The SPARKLING Twilight Commentary!
by Follow Those Owls
Summary: Hello, Twi-hards and haters! I present you you MY review and commentary of the story about a whiny girl named Bella and sparkling stalker named Edward! Read and review, maybe!
1. Preface and Chapter 1, Part 1

**Hello , Twi-hards and haters! After doing a commentary on the notoriously horrible Harry Potter fanfiction, ****_My Immortal, _****I discovered my love for commentaries and I decided to take on a big project: a commentary/review of ****_Twilight! _****Don't get me wrong – upon first reading, I thought it was okay (although I think the fanfictions of it I've read are ****_much_**** better), but now… Anyway, because the chapters are so long, each chapter will be in two parts.**

**It's not going to be a word-for-word commentary throughout. I'll be summarizing, adding my own comments, and when there's a part that's particularly, er, unbelievable, I'll copy it word for word and put my thoughts after. Also, if you have a different opinion, that's fine! Just don't be hatin'!**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm a hobo and own nothing.**

Let's starts without even opening the book: the front and back covers.

The front cover is pretty attractive. Weird, but attractive.

Then, you flip it over and get reviews like this:

_An Amazon "Best Book of the Decade….so far." _(Oh, really?)

_A Publisher's Weekly Best Book of the Year (_We'll see.)

_"Propelled by suspense and romance in equal parts, [this story] will keep readers madly flipping the pages of Meyer's tantalizing debut." – Publisher's Weekly _(I disagree.)

_"In the tradition of Anne Rice…this dark romance is gripping." – Booklist (_Anne Rice would be upset to be compared to…this.)

But here's the part that makes NO SENSE.

The entire first half of the book is about the mystery of what Edward and the other Cullens are, right? So which GEINUS thought it would be a good idea to slap THIS on the back cover:

_"About three things I was absolutely positive._

_First, Edward was a vampire._

_Second, there was a part of him – and I didn't know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for my blood._

_And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."_

BRILLIANT.

Now we not only know what Edward is, but that he is also crazy about Bella's blood, and that Bella loves him anyway, and we haven't even opened the book yet.

Dear lord.

So, anyway, after opening the book, I see that there are TWENTY FIVE CHAPTERS. Oooh, lucky me.

After skipping that totally random genesis quote (Don't bring God into this mess!), there's a preface. It opens with Bella talking about death. WHOOP WHOOP, THIS GON BE FUN.

She's rambling on about how she'd never "**given much thought to how [she'd ] die." **

Um, who does?

She goes on to say that she would not have **"imagined it like this."**

Here's the problem: WE HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE OR WHY THE HELL YOU'RE DYING. We could skip this and lose NOTHING.

Now we learn that it's a **"hunter" **who's killing Bella (what is she, a deer?), and he's apparently looking at her pleasantly.

Sadistic, much?

Then she says this:

"_Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of someone I loved. Noble, even. That ought to count for something. I knew that if I'd never gone to Forks, I wouldn't be facing death now. But, as terrified as I was, I couldn't bring myself to regret the decision. When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end."_

*bangs head into keyboard.*

Look, I'm already dumbfounded and we haven't even gotten into the story yet.

I'm going to cheat here – I already know you're a teenager. You're like, 17, right? Wouldn't a 17 year old be thinking something more along these lines, if they were in this situation (although we have no clue what's going on):

OMFG GOTTA GET OUT THE GUY'S GONNA KILL ME HELP HELP HELP I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE LOOK A WINDOW MAYBE I CAN GET OUT THAT WINDOW OMFG I'M GONNA DIE etc.

Moving along, the hunter apparently smiles in **"a friendly way as he sauntered forward to kill [her]."**

By the end of this story, we're all going to wish she just died in the preface, I guarantee.

**Chapter 1 – First Sight**

Oh, you know a book is going to be bad when its first real chapter starts with this sentence:

"_My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down."_

Exciting.

The first sentence should pull you in! And why are we informed that she has the windows rolled down? So your mom's car has no air conditioning. Big whoop-de-doo.

Then we are told about the weather and the sky. It's "**seventy-five degrees in Pheonix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue."**

Thanks for that useless bit of information. I was totally wondering what the weather was like.

She then says that's she's wearing her favorite shirt and goes on to describe it – HOLD THE FLIPPIN PHONE, RIGHT THERE.

MEYER! WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE WEATHER, BELLA'S SHIRT, AND CAR WINDOWS. She sounds like an old person trying to make small talk with a teenager. Next thing we know, she's going to talk about school. GET ON WITH IT.

Guess what? More crap about Bella's outfit! She is wearing her shirt as a **"farewell gesture" **and her carry-on item is a parka.

YAY. We get to learn about your carry-on item, too! Killing two birds with one stone! I was just SO curious, you know?

Anyway, then we get some random information about Forks. It rains a lot there. Of course, Meyer has to use adjectives like "**inconsequential", "gloomy", **and "**omnipresent" **to tell us this. I don't want 106 words about how much Forks sucks. Get on with it.

Is this a bad attempt at a character flaw, having her hate everything and complain?

We then learn that it was from Forks that her mom "**escaped" **with Bella when she was a baby. Okay? She also mentions that she had been **"compelled" **to spend a month here every summer, until she was 14. Um, why?

Then she says this:

_"That was the year I finally put my foot down; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed with me in California for two weeks instead."_

Congrats, Bella, I already dislike you.

You sound like a SPOILED BRAT. You forced your father to leave his home for 2 weeks, pay for food, transportation, hotels, and other things for both of you in one of the most expensive states in the country, not to mention cut his time with you in half, all so you wouldn't have to endure a little rain.

YOU SOUND DELIGHTFUL.

Anyway, she has **"exiled" **herself to Forks, which she was looking forward to with **"great horror" **because she "**detested" **Forks.

She goes on to say a few things that she loves about Pheonix – Wow, she likes something. It'll be a while before we see THAT again.

Then, her mom tells her ("**the last of a thousand times") **that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

WELL, after the above paragraphs where you detailed how much you despise Forks, I'd expect you to be all, HELL YES! I'M NOT GOIN'!

Instead of answering, Meyer gives us this sentence:

_"My mom looks like me, with short hair and laugh lines."_

Thanks for sharing. However, we have NO CLUE what _you _look like. Meyer even said she purposely left out a description so anyone could "project" themselves onto Bella. What the hell, right?

We do, however, know that you don't have laugh lines, probably because you NEVER smile. The movies back me up on this.

Bella says that she doesn't know how she could leave her **"loving, erratic, hare-brained mother to fend for herself." **She survived a long time without you, you moron. She can figure out how to feed herself, she's not a dog.

Bella then says that her mom had "Phil" now so the bills would get paid, there would be gas in her car, etc., but who is this "Phil" character? Where the hell did he come from?

Bella lies that she _wants _to go, and has apparently become good at lying. Useful skill, you got there, Bella.

Annnnd we're completely ignoring that we don't know who this "Phil" is. Alright.

Take a look at the awkward conversation that follows:

_"Tell Charlie I said hi."_

_"I will."_

Why does Bella's mom want to say "hi" to Charlie? Better question, why do we care? That was just Meyer bumping up her word count.

Apparently Bella can **"see the sacrifice" **in her mom's eyes. I don't get why – you sound annoying to me. I'd be like, YAY BELLA'S LEAVING! *disco ball drops out of ceiling and "Everybody Dance Now" plays.

Then Meyer spends a paragraph telling us all about how Bella's going to get to Forks. She has to take a four hour flight to Seattle, another hour on a different plane to Port Angeles, then an hour drive with Charlie back to Forks.

BUT GUESS WHAT?!

Bella doesn't care about the planes! It's the hour of light small talk with her dad that has her worried!

Look out, here comes another direct quote:

_"Charlie had been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence. He'd already registered me for high school and was going to help me get a car._

_But it was sure awkward with Charlie. Neither of us is what anyone would call verbose, and I didn't know what there was to say regardless. I knew he was more than a little confused by my decision – like my mother before me, I hadn't made a secret of my distaste for Forks."_

Well, I have a whole LIST.

1.) He's your father. Of course he wants you to live with him (although after dealing with your personality, he might not.)

2.) You used "**verbose**" wrong, Meyer. Fail.

3.) Why don't you ramble on about the weather and your parka to Charlie?

So she landed in Port Angeles, and it was - LE GASP - raining. Did you know there are about 131 sunny/partly cloudy days in Forks per year? So, doing simple math, 365 – 131 = 243. And it's usually only overcast on those days. Really, it would've been more likely for it to be overcast, not raining. It took me literally less than a minute to Google that. Honestly, I don't think Meyer did _any _research.

But anyone, Bella doesn't think it's an **"omen"** because she's **"already said [her] goodbyes to the sun."**

Apparently Bella doesn't know how to use Google either.

Charlie was waiting for her with **"the cruiser" **- he doesn't own a car besides a police car? – And we are told he's the Police Chief (Bella refers to the Forks citizens as **"the good people of Forks." **However, later on, she does nothing but take jabs at them at every turn.)

Then this happens:

_"Charlie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled off the plane. _

_"It's good to see you, Bells," he said, smiling as he automatically caught and steadied me. "You haven't changed much. How's Renee?"_

_"Mom's fine. It's good to see you, too, Dad." I wasn't allowed to call him Charlie to his face._

Ooh, we've been introduced to the LOLCLUMSY-ness.

Also, you have to give Charlie credit – Bella's practically forcing herself to speak to him, and isn't even trying to cover it up, and he takes it with a smile.

THIS MAN DESERVES FLIPPING _APPLAUSE._

Then we start talking about her luggage – and she says that most of her "**Arizona clothes" **are too "**permeable for Washington."**

2 words in one page used horribly wrong. New record.

And then he goes on to say that he's found a good car for Bella already, and it's cheap, too!

But does Bella show ANY GRATITUDE?

NO. NONE AT ALL.

She immediately gets suspicious of the fact that Charlie says "**a good car for you" **instead of just "**a good car."**

OH. MY. GOD.

So Charlie tells Bella that it was once Billy Black's. She doesn't remember him, because she's **"good at blocking painful, unnecessary memories."**

Because fishing is just TORTURE.

This paragraph is horrifying:

_"He's in a wheelchair now," Charlie continued when I didn't respond, "so he can't drive anymore, and he offered to sell me his truck cheap."_

"What year is it?" I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn't ask.

"Well, Billy's done a lot of work on the engine — it's only a few years old, really."

I hoped he didn't think so little of me as to believe I would give up that easily.

"When did he buy it?"

"He bought it in 1984, I think."

"Did he buy it new?"

"Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties — or late fifties at the earliest," he admitted sheepishly.

"Ch — Dad, I don't really know anything about cars. I wouldn't be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn't afford a mechanic…"

"Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don't build them like that anymore."

_The thing__, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least._

"How cheap is cheap?" After all, that was the part I couldn't compromise on.

"Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming gift." Charlie peeked sideways at me with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free.

"You didn't need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car."

"I don't mind. I want you to be happy here." He was looking ahead at the road when he said this. Charlie wasn't comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited that from him. So I was looking straight ahead as I responded"

Summary:

Bella's all **"What year is it?" **which honestly confused me for a moment. In this world, it's 2005, Bella, get with the program.

OH. You mean the car!

LOL, it's from the early sixties!

Then, guess what?

Charlie bought it for Bella!

How nice is he?

Of course, Bella's only reaction is **"Wow. Free." **She then half-heartedly thanks him.

You know who this emotionless, un-grateful character is reminding me of?

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, better known as Enoby, the girl from My Immortal!

I'm going to start a count.

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 1**

Anyway, then we get THIS abomination at us:

_"No need to add that my being happy in Forks was an impossibility."_

B*tch, you've only been here on vacation. And that was 3 years ago. Things can change, give it a flipping chance.

Then Charlie gets randomly embarrassed for no reason.

Who does that sound like?

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 2**

Then, as predicted, Bella and Charlie start awkwardly yammering about the weather. This is already predictable and we're only 8 pages in.

Guess what?

Bella thinks Forks is pretty! She likes the trees and the grass and stuff!

But then it all gets flushed down the toilet by saying it was **"too green – an alien planet."**

Then we're given a long description of Charlie's house, his once marriage with Renee, and Bella's new car.

Which, to her **"intense surprise," **she loves.

OMFG BELLA LOVES SOMETHING.

But then the novelty of Bella actually liking something wears off when she says this:

_"Now my horrific day tomorrow would be less dreadful. I wouldn't be faced with the choice of either walking 2 miles to school in the rain or accepting a ride in the Chief's cruiser."_

List time!

1.) These adjectives are not your friends, Meyer.

2.) Can you predict the future or some chizz, Bella? How the heck do you know it's going to rain tomorrow?

3.) Accepting a ride to school with someone! The horror!

4.) Who the hell is the Chief? Your dad? Why is he suddenly the "Chief"?

Then we get a long, unnecessary description of Bella's room. I'll spare you.

But do you know who else puts in ridiculously long descriptions that no one cares about?

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 3**

Why doesn't Meyer describe her characters instead of the curtains?

What is _with _these time-skips? We're already in Forks and it's been only about 1,000 words.

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 4**

Bella's computer is EXTREMELY out of date. I get the story was written nearly 8 years ago, but most people didn't have their computers attached the phone, even then, unless they lived in the middle of nowhere. And Bella doesn't.

Then Bella has to calm herself down because she has to share a bathroom with her dad. I honestly don't think Charlie is going to be a huge bathroom hog. And guess what, Bella? I share a bathroom with my dad, my brother, and my mom. So if you're looking for sympathy, you're not getting any for being a spoiled brat.

Also, apparently Bella thinks one of the best things about Charlie is that **"he doesn't hover", **leaving Bella to "**stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape**"

THE ANGST.

Bella goes on to complain about how there are less than 400 students. Once again, no sympathy. I would love it if my school had that few students – imagine all the attention you'd get in the places where you struggle! However, Bella thinks this is** "frightening" **and then insults every person living in a small town ever with this:

_"I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak"._

They are not small-town country bumpkins. They live a few hours away from Seattle – they will not be fascinated by your city-slicker ways. People move from big cities to small and unknown towns all the time, and no one is ever wowed, or very curious about them, because they know big cities to exist and go visit them. Thank you for insulting the intelligence of everyone from a small town.

Dear lord, look at this:

"_Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I'd never fit in anywhere. I __should__ be tan, sporty, blond — a volleyball player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun._

Instead, I was ivory-skinned, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn't have the necessary hand-eye coordination to play sports without humiliating myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking — but it all depended on color. I had no color here."

1.) Not everyone from Phoenix is tan and blonde. Way to be offensive, again.

2.) I have very pale skin too, and no, I don't have blue eyes or red hair. I'm Irish and I can't tan – I just burn. What's your excuse?

3.) I see the LOLCLUMSY-ness has returned.

4.) If your skin is clear, you need to see a doctor. What're you going to do next, cry tears of blood?

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 5**

5.) Ha, look at Meyer's attempt to prove Bella isn't the giant Mary Sue she is. See? She's not tan and sporty! She's not a blonde cheerleader! But this just makes Bella an even bigger Sue. She lives I an extremely sunny environment and has no skin conditions or ethnic things stopping her from tanning at least a little, and yet she's remained pale. Meyer is pretty much yelling "EVERYONE FROM PHOENIX IS BLONDE, TAN, A CHEERLEADER, AND SPORTY. Bella isn't, so she's special."

By the way, I've seen pictures of Stephanie Meyer, and it's pretty obvious Bella's appearance is based on her own.

6.) Who wants to bet there's going to be a blonde villain?

Then Bella is trying to get sympathy yet again by saying she's never fit in anywhere and never can relate to people, and worries there's a **"glitch in her brain."**

Cry me a river, Meyer. You just gave Bella a warped mental disorder.

Random time skip happens right about here.

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 6**

Apparently the rain and wind kept Bella up. Rain I get, but wind? You can hear wind?

Anyway Bella starts the day right: complaining.

Once again, it's about the weather. It's cloudy, so Bella says **"you could never see the sky here; it was like a cage." **Where I live, early in the morning (i.e, when I get up for school), it's usually cloudy. I'm not sure why, but the sun is usually out by 9:00 . So cram it.

The angst continues:

_"Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me. Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family. After he left, I sat at the old square oak table in one of the three unmatching chairs and examined his small kitchen, with its dark paneled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor. Nothing was changed. My mother had painted the cabinets eighteen years ago in an attempt to bring some sunshine into the house. Over the small fireplace in the adjoining handkerchief-sized family room was a row of pictures. First a wedding picture of Charlie and my mom in Las Vegas, then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of my school pictures up to last year's. Those were embarrassing to look at — I would have to see what I could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while I was living here._

It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom. It made me uncomfortable."

*smacks head into keyboard*

1.) Can you at least give the school a chance before you decide you hate it?

2.) "Unmatching" is not a word. Microsoft word says so.

3.) "Hanker-chief sized family room"? Really?

4.) Look how sweet. Bella's dad has had his house the way he wants it for years and Bella's already trying to get him to change it.

5.) I think it's nice that Charlie has all her school pictures out. In fact, Charlie seems really nice. I hate you more, Bella.

Bella finally gets out of the house, making a big show of describing how she locks the door and her keys. I seriously don't care. Anyway, Bella moves on to say that "**the sloshing of [her] new waterproof boots was unnerving**", and that she misses "**the normal crunch of gravel as [she] walked**". What, does gravel not exist in Forks? Dirt roads? Is a horse and buggy going to come rolling down the road at any second?

So Bella gets in the car, complains about how loud the engine is, find the school quickly, complains about that, and then wonders this:

_"Where was the feel of the institution? I wondered nostalgically. Where were the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?" _

Don't only dangerous schools have metal detectors? And anyway, what's so bad about going to a school that doesn't resemble a prison?

She goes to the main office, complaining about the cold and then the heat a second later.

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 7**

She sneers at everything from the carpet to the plants to the bulletin board. Dear lord. She goes to talk to the secretary and is recognized, which produces this: "**I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief's flighty ex-wife, come home at last.**"

First of all, they probably told the secretary a new student was coming that day. And unless there was more than one in a day, chances are the secretary would be able to put two and two together and figure it out.

Second of all, the rest of the town probably doesn't know who you are or care. They have lives outside of you, you egotistical maniac.

The secretary tells Bella to have a nice day, which she complains about. She heads into the parking lot, rudely saying that most of the students had older cars and snootily reminds us that in the better town of Phoenix, it was "**a common thing to see a new Mercedes or a Porsche in the student lot**". Way to be a jerk and be a huge hypocrite, considering you yourself have a car from over 40 years ago.

She makes a big deal about a Volvo, and I bet we all can guess who's in it. That was Meyer's attempt at foreshadowing, and it failed. Big time.

As Bella gets out of the car, she reminds herself that **"No one was going to bite [her]."**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 2**

Yeah, I started another count.

Bella mentions that **[her] plain black jacket didn't stand out." **In what high school _would _a plain black jacket stand out? Seriously, that was ridiculous.

Bella finally goes inside and complains about how small the classroom is. What did you expect? They only have about 350 students; they don't need a huge school. Bella also has no idea how to do anything for herself and has to watch other students to figure out how to do even simple actions like hanging up her coat. She also rambles on that everyone else there is pale, too. Well, in Meyer's mind, the sun does not exist in Forks. So they wouldn't be tan.

The teacher makes a big deal about Bella's name for no reason. Seriously, I wouldn't complain if my name meant "Beautiful Swan" so you're getting no sympathy. Again.

She sits in th back of the room and claims that the reading list which included Brontë, Shakespeare, Chaucer, and Faulkner was **"fairly basic" **and brags about how she had **"already read everything," **so she thinks that gives her an excuse to COMPLETELY IGNORE THE TEACHER. What the hell?

Oh, look. This next part is just charming.

_"When the bell rang, a nasal buzzing sound, a gangly boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick leaned across the aisle to talk to me._

"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?" He looked like the overly helpful, chess club type.

"Bella," I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius turned to look at me.

"Where's your next class?" he asked.

I had to check in my bag. "Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six."

There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes.

"I'm headed toward building four, I could show you the way…" Definitely overhelpful. "I'm Eric," he added.

I smiled tentatively. "Thanks."

We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop. I hoped I wasn't getting paranoid."

1.) Hello, Throw-Away Character #1. You job is to be there when Bella needs something to whine about.

2.) Bella out right calls him nerdy and pimply. Nice.

3.) Why must Throw-Away Character #1 (AKA Eric) fawn over Bella and why does everyone find everything she says interesting? This is just getting crazy.

4.) Am I actually supposed to like Bella?

5.) Overhelpful is not a word.

Bella patronizes him all the way to the next class, being rude at every turn, even though he's just trying to be friendly. Then Eric actually expresses confusion over a place that is sunny.

What is he, a mole person?

Eric mentions that she isn't tan, and Bella makes an extremely unfunny joke about her mom being part albino, and when Eric doesn't laugh, she rudely thinks this: "**It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix. A few months of this and I'd forget how to use sarcasm.**" Or maybe IT WASN'T FUNNY, B*TCH.

By the way, it takes them less than 200 words to get to the next class, even though it's on the other side of the school. Did they enter a wormhole or something? How did they get there so fast?

**_TWILIGHT _****= My Immortal: 8**

Bella doesn't stop there. She decides she hates her Trigonometry teacher because he makes her introduce herself. She whines about how all the students are trying to be helpful and nice, but she thinks they're all idiots anyway. It hits an all time low when she describes a girl who was in two of her classes.

_"One girl sat next to me in both Trig and Spanish, and she walked with me to the cafeteria for lunch. She was tiny, several inches shorter than my five feet four inches, but her wildly curly dark hair made up a lot of the difference between our heights. I couldn't remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled about teachers and classes. I didn't try to keep up."_

1.) Hi there, Throw-Away Character #2.

2.) She's being extremely nice, like everyone else. Show some goddamn gratitude.

3.) Way to subtly tell me your height.

4.) I have very curly hair, naturally, and unless she's got an afro, it's not going to be coming INCHES off her head. That was a huge exaggeration.

5.) You rudely said she "prattled" and didn't even TRY to listen. I seriously hate you. I really do.

**Well, folks, I'm going to stop there because this is already almost 5,000 words. Please review, and have sparkling (no pun intended) day!**

**Love and skittles,**

**See You Next Thursday**


	2. Preface and Chapter 1, Part 2

**Hello, my interweb friends! I'm really surprised that I got TEN reviews! That's a lot (for me) for a new story! So, this chapter is dedicated to: Dragonfire202, Amledo, J.C. Jackals, Rulebreaker, NikitaNightfall, TheDreamer006, OhSnapItzLara, Woamn Aren't Human (you're right, I was thinking the exact same thing, it DOES have potential), HPPJOTHG3, and Angel419! Isn't it nice how we can all come together to make fun of ****_Twilight_****?** **We're a special group, I tell ya.**

**DISCLAIMER: I (THANK GOD!) don't own ****_Twilight._**

We left off with Bella bashing Throw Away Character #2, whose name she couldn't even remember, yes?

Alright.

But anyway, who the hell cares about Throw Away Character #2 when there's _them _to be gawked at!

_"They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them. They weren't gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention._

_They didn't look anything alike. Of the three boys, one was big — muscled like a serious weight lifter, with dark, curly hair. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular, and honey blond. The last was lanky, less bulky, with untidy, bronze-colored hair. He was more boyish than the others, who looked like they could be in college, or even teachers here rather than students._

_The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. The short girl was pixielike, thin in the extreme, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped short and pointing in every direction._

_And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky pale, the palest of all the students living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair tones. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish, bruiselike shadows. As if they were all suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose. Though their noses, all their features, were straight, perfect, angular._

_But all this is not why I couldn't look away._

_I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful. They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful — maybe the perfect blond girl, or the bronze-haired boy._

_They were all looking away — away from each other, away from the other students, away from anything in particular as far as I could tell. As I watched, the small girl rose with her tray — unopened soda, unbitten apple — and walked away with a quick, graceful lope that belonged on a runway. I watched, amazed at her lithe dancer's step, till she dumped her tray and glided through the back door, faster than I would have thought possible. My eyes darted back to the others, who sat unchanging."_

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 3**

**Adjective Overkill: 2**

New count! And THAT mess up there gets two, because I gave up counting once I hit 40 adjectives. There are less than 500 words there. That's ridiculous.

And…

MEYER. "**Pixielike**" and "**bruiselike**" are _not _words. LEARN! ENGLISH!

They want to go unnoticed right? So why are they doing everything weird? For example, they bought lunches, but none of them are eating them. I SMELL AN EATING DISORDER! Not to mention that they're staring at walls instead of doing something that REGULAR PEOPLE do at lunch, like TALKING or EATING.

Now I'm mad.

Oh, God. Look at this.

_"As she looked up to see who I meant — though already knowing, probably, from my tone — suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps. He looked at my neighbor for just a fraction of a second, and then his dark eyes flickered to mine._

_He looked away quickly, more quickly than I could, though in a flush of embarrassment I dropped my eyes at once. In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest — it was as if she had called his name, and he'd looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer."_

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 4**

Honestly, what the hell was that? Meyer's horrible attempt at a red herring? Does she know what a red herring is? It's when an author places SUBTLE hints about what's really going on, but masks them well, so when all is revealed you realize all the evidence was right there but you just didn't see it.

This was not a red herring. This was more like a dead herring.

We know Edward (who I'm now going to sometimes refer to as Wardo) can read minds.

This is the first chapter.

DEAR LORD.

Anyway, Throw Away Character #2 (who is still nameless, by the way) tells Bella their names are Edward, Alice, and Emmett Cullen, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale.

Bella says they have **"strange, unpopular names." **But they DON'T. I know 4 Edwards. They just all go by something else (3 Eddys and an Ed.) And since when is "Emmett" an unpopular name?

UNLESS *le gasp* THEY WERE FROM ANOTHER TIME!

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 5**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 9 **(there was time travel in My Immortal, but don't get me started on THAT.)

And while Bella is pondering their names like an idiot, she remembers that Throw Away Character #2's name is Jessica, which she then says is **"perfectly common." **Well, excuse me; we can't all be named Beautiful Swan.

Bella comments that "**they are… very nice-looking**". Jessica agrees, but says they're all _together, _Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice.

BUT NOT EDWARD!

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 6**

Bella immediately goes into hypocrite mode, claiming that "**Her [Jessica's] voice held all the shock and condemnation of the small town."**

Never mind that if they weren't so OMGZHAWT, you'd be putting them into one of your little stereotyped categories.

Jessica goes on to say that the young (and OMGZHAWT) Doctor Cullen, who is in **"his late twenties or early thirties"**, adopted all the Cullens and that Jasper and Rosalie have been with them since they were about eight because Mrs. Cullen is like, their aunt.

WAIT.

If they were human, which we are apparently supposed to believe right now, they would've been foster parents to Rosalie and Jasper since they were about 17. Which is ILLEGAL. Does Meyer know that?

But all is well, because the people in Forks are stupid and buy it.

Bella thinks it's just WONDERFUL that they took on all those kids as such a young age (*singsong-y voice* too young to adopt…) When Jessica doesn't immediately kiss the Cullen's butts, Bella does this:

_"I got the impression that she didn't like the doctor and his wife for some reason. With the glances she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume the reason was jealousy." _

Because EVERYONE wants to be an angst-y, sparkly vampire.

When Jessica mentions that they adopt because Mrs. Cullen can't have kids, Bella claims she says it as if it "**lessened their kindness**".

What, does Jessica exist solely to make Bella look good?

My suspicion is confirmed when she is rude to Bella for no reason when she asks if they've always lived in Forks. However, I'm totally rooting for her, because Bella has been a little b*tch since day one and it's seriously getting on my nerves.

Apparently they moved there two years ago from Alaska and Bella feels some actual emotion!

_"I felt a surge of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief that I wasn't the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard."_

First of all, least in my school, when there are new students, they aren't alienated unless they all blatantly ignore everybody and act like huge snobs. WHICH THE CULLENS ARE DOING. No sympathy.

UNLESS *another le gasp* THEY WERE LIKE THAT SPECIFICALLY SO BELLA WOULD FIT IN WITH THEM!

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 7**

Secondly, Bella is coming off unbelievably shallow. Just because they're OMGZHAWT doesn't mean that they're going to be flocked. They have to be MEHNORMALMEH, like you, Miss Beautiful Swan.

Anyway, Bella telepathically senses that Wardo is the youngest one (since there's no other way she'd have known, no one told her) and Wardo is literally just staring at her with "**evident curiosity**" and then **"a slightly frustrated expression."**

Bella isn't going into her usual b*tch mode because he's staring at her. What, is it not classified as **"gawking" **because he's OMGZHAWT?

Bella asks Doormat (AKA Jessica) who he is, and she's told.

_"That's Edward. He's gorgeous, of course, but don't waste your time. He doesn't date. Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him." She sniffed, a clear case of sour grapes. I wondered when he'd turned her down._

_I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted, as if he were smiling, too."_

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 8**

It's obvious he can either read minds or has supersonic hearing. Meyer seems unaware that this is the first chapter and that she shouldn't be telling us all of this yet.

Now, the list:

1.) Who uses the expression "sour grapes" anymore?

2.) Does Wardo think it's _funny _that he turned Jessica down? Probably, because he's a pompous jerk.

3.) No wonder people think Edward's gay! He's got practically every girl fawning over him and yet he turns them down!

Moving on, Bella whines that she has to sit with Doormat and her dumb friends for a few minutes longer than she wanted and then walks to her next class with someone named Angela "**who considerately reminded [Bella what] her name was." **You seriously can't be bothered to remember ANYONE'S name, can you?

Except, of course, the Cullens. She'll remember who's who and their full names.

Oh, and can you decide if you want them to be welcoming and nice or not? You whine when they are and you whine when they aren't.

So they go to Biology II and there's Wardo, with **"his unusual hair" **– Robert Pattinson was _meant _to play him, wasn't he? – and guess what?! THE ONLY SEAT IN THE WHOLE DANG CLASS IS NEXT TO HIM.

WHOOP WHOOP, THIS GON BE FUN.

Bella tries to introduce herself and Wardo acts like a huge snob and completely ignores her. So she sits down, and even though she's sitting several feet away from him andis looking at him out of the corner of her eye, this happens: "**I'd noticed that his eyes were black — coal black.**"

Okay, I know what I'm going to ask Meyer if I ever get her alone: "What color were that guy's eyes? You know, that one that just walked by."

Bella WOULDN'T have noticed that.

Also, people don't have black eyes. Even if they did, most people would think they were dark brown.

Oh, and since you made a scene over his eye color, Meyer:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 9**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 10**

Bella completely ignores the teacher "**bewildered by the antagonistic stare [Edward had] given [her]**."

Has Bella paid attention in class at all today? It's her first day there, too – this will not end well.

She spends the ENTIRE CLASS ogling Edward! She already knows everything yet again, because she's obviously more advanced than these small town bumpkins. She mentions he's sitting unusually stiff. I'm not wondering why; if the back cover hadn't told me he was a vampire, I'd be assuming the chair was uncomfortable or he was hungrier than usual today. NOT that Bella smelled so OMGZYUMMY.

It actually reads like he's pissed that he has to share his lab table now, and if that were the case, I wouldn't be surprised.

Bella is desperate to know why he's looking at her with "**revulsion**" – okay, NOW I think she smells bad. I can't figure out if Meyer doesn't know what "revulsion" means or if Wardo is honestly THAT mad about sharing the table.

Oh, and I forgot – we skipped HUGE spans of time to get here. It's obvious Meyer wanted to get the Cullens in this chapter, but it makes me think Bella found a warp speed portal or something.

New count!

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 1**

So the bell rings – wait, didn't class just start?

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 2**

Anyway, the bell rings and Wardo practically jumps out of his seat, probably knocking over several people in his pursuit.

Bella's reaction is priceless:

_"I sat frozen in my seat, staring blankly after him. He was so mean. It wasn't fair. I began gathering up my things slowly, trying to block the anger that filled me, for fear my eyes would tear up. For some reason, my temper was hardwired to my tear ducts. I usually cried when I was angry, a humiliating tendency."_

1.) HE was mean?! You've done nothing but snark and sneer at everybody all day!

2.) LOL, she's gonna cry because ONE person out of 300 wasn't bending over backwards to welcome her?

OH GOD. HERE COMES MIKE.

Mike is this boy who is not only Throw Away Character #3, but he's already madly in love with Bella.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 11**

Bella says he's "**the nicest person [she had] met today**" but, as we all know, she falls in love with everyone's favorite pompous butthead, Edward. Bella immediately turns the conversation to Edward and why he was so weird today, and Mike says "**He's a weird guy… If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have talked to you.**"

NEWSFLASH! Teenage boys don't talk like that, Meyer. I know this is supposed to be your fantasy high school where everyone bends over backwards to appease your Sue, but that was just ridiculous.

Bella decides he's not as big a peasant as the other losers here because he's **"clearly admiring."**

Well, he has VERY poor judgment, indeed.

Anyway, Bella starts whining because she has gym next and then we are officially introduced to Bella's "character flaw" – the infamous LOLCLUMSY. I say "character flaw" because it really isn't one; it's when the Sue's creator makes them have a stupid flaw just to prove they aren't perfect, but give them one that has little impact on their character development. They're too loving or caring, are too selfless, too modest, or are LOLCLUMSY are good examples. So you fail, Meyer, when you say this:

_"I watched four volleyball games running simultaneously. Remembering how many injuries I had sustained — and inflicted — playing volleyball, I felt faintly nauseated."_

Dear lord, this is more like LMAOCLUMSY.

Then the school day is over two seconds later.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 3**

Bella goes to the main office to turn in her paperwork, and then – speak of the devil – it's Wardo! He's trying to switch classes out of - *le gasp again* - BIOLOGY II!

Then Bella has the nerve to whine that it isn't fair that Edward doesn't like her. Honestly, am I really supposed to relate to her? Meyer then throws about 12 adjectives at us about Wardo's Velvety Voice of Doom™.

**Adjective Overkill: 3**

Anyway, Wardo can't switch classes so he flounces out of the office. Bella is convinced it's because of her – which is beyond egotistical – and practically has a meltdown because of it.

I am not looking forward to the rest of this book.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 11**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 9**

**Adjective Overkill: 3**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 3**


	3. Chapter 2

**Hi guys! We're at chapter two! I've decided only the very long chapters (like Chapter 1) will be split into two. Shorter ones can be their own chapter! Anywhoodles, thanks to the wonderfully sweet reviewers: HPPJOTHG3, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, Woman Aren't Human (I'm considering it. Let's get through this book first!), Ayesha3Bobo, HeapsofHorses, Amledo, OhSnapItzLara, Guest, and Restin Peece!**

**Sorry if I get out of hand with writing word like OHSOSMART or OHSOSASSY. I do it in real life….weird, I know.**

Chapter 2 – Open Book

It's immediately the next day, which Bella says is **"better…and worse."**

Wow, the angst begins!

WHOOP WHOOP.

Anyway, she calls it better because Throw Away Character #3, dubbed Mike, is making Eric, who Bella is rudely referring to as **"Chess Club Eric"**,jealous. She finds this "**flattering"**, which I guess it is, but there's a problem. In many PDF versions of the book, it says "nattering" there. These editors need help.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 12**

Bella's good things list comes quickly to an end, and the worse things list starts…and goes on much longer. Bella seems to think every single thing is the town of Fork's fault – starting at her being tired.

_"I still couldn't sleep because the wind was echoing around the house."_

Hold on.

I just Googled it – and Phoenix and Forks have the same average wind speed, six to seven MPH. It took me like, 5 seconds to Google that and I own The Slowest Computer on the Planet.

Bella also complains that she got a question in Trig wrong and she smacked someone in the head with a volleyball. That seems more like a problem for the person she HIT, Meyer. But of course, since Bella is The Sue and almighty, the situation is _obviously_ worse on her end.

However, the worst thing of all is, you guessed it –

_"Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all."_

She's known Wardo for what, one day? And they didn't talk at all! Not one word and she's already losing sleep over him. It's obviously not because of his personality, it's because he's OMGZHAWT.

Way to make Bella shallow.

UNLESS SHE'S UPSET BECAUSE THEY WERE MEANT TO BE AND SHE HAS A SPECIAL CONNECTION TO HIM!

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 10**

Bella whines that she was going to **"confront" **him about his recent spaz attack and demand to know his problem.

Anyway, Bella is invited, once again, to sit with the same people at lunch, but she completely ignores them and looks around the cafeteria for the entire lunch, enraged that the other Cullens are there, but not Edward.

WAIT.

We're supposed to still be assuming that Edward's human – you'd have to be stupid to assume so at this point, but still – and humans get sick. There's a chance that Edward got sick and none of his siblings did, which is the probable answer, NOT that he was avoiding Bella. Then Meyer gives us all a good laugh with this one: **"I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came… He didn't come…"**

You wanted him to come so he could ignore you?

This is a twisted universe.

On another note, the Mike situation is getting worse.

_"I held my breath at the door, but Edward Cullen wasn't there, either. I exhaled and went to my seat. Mike followed, talking about an upcoming trip to the beach. He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys."_

1.) Bella's first reaction to the girl Mike sits next to? That she's got crooked teeth and ugly hair. No one likes having braces. Why don't you read _Smile_ for proof? Oh, and I have naturally curly hair. If I don't brush it one day, are you going to call it **"a bad perm"**?

2.) It's a good thing Bella knows she has no diplomacy. She's got ANYTHING but.

3.) Bella hasn't been to Forks in THREE YEARS, and yet she makes a giant generalization about the people there. That's like me claiming everyone from England is a pompous, pale jerk who drinks nothing but tea all day (sounds like Wardo…) and that everyone from Chicago is a mobster who's obsessed with pizza. Oh, and everyone from Tennessee's white trash. Not to mention that everyone from Florida's a pirate. I digress.

I'm sorry, but this totally random: wouldn't it be funny if there was a character with a New York accent thrown in here and Meyer tried to write in an accent and screwed it up so horribly that people from New York thought she was making fun of them and attacked?

I'm originally from New York. Most of my family and family friend's on my Mom's side are. It would be kind of funny, actually, because then I bet there would be at least one angry New Yorkian.

That is me making a generalization about a place I've LIVED IN AND BEEN TO MANY TIMES. Even if I'm wrong, it's probably more accurate than Meyer's mess up there.

Whatever.

So Bella immediately forgets about Mike and starts fangirling over Edward. Again. Kill me.

She suspects that Wardo might not be in school for some undisclosed OHSOSUSPICIOUS reason. However, she immediately dismisses the thought because IT COULDN'T BE THAT, AND IF YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE STUPID, SO DON'T.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 11**

Oh, and why is Bella fangirling over some guy who supposedly made her upset, anyway?

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 13**

What follows is the worst transition so far.

And then the school day's over? What the hell?

Bella is too busy talking about her clothes and avoiding Dog-Boy (AKA Mike) to tell us what's going on. Then we're in a flashback, and then she gets in her truck, and then has another flashback. Is getting in her truck a flashback or the present? This is just horrible. I can't figure out even _where_ she is. Is she getting her truck now, or did she get home at the speed of light and is actually arriving yesterday?

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 5 **

That gets two for being RIDICULOUS.

Okay, I guess the truck was in the present, because Bella whines about not having any students to bash. So, of course, she moves on to talking smack about her dad, claiming he couldn't cook to save his life and then wondering how he even survived without her around.

STOP THE PRESSES (TROLOLOL I have to use that more often).

He's a freaking grown man with a JOB. If he seriously couldn't cook ANYTHING, he could just order pizza or takeout or something. And are you implying he can't use a microwave?

Oh, wait. Charlie has NO food in the house. Like, NONE.

What? What the hell kind of logic is that?

So anyway, Bella got food money last night – and now she's pulling out of the parking lot. I thought she already did that. I had wrongfully assumed Bella was actually _driving _and not just sitting in her car pondering things and having flashbacks. Silly me.

Beware! Here come the Cullens!

_"As I waited, trying to pretend that the earsplitting rumble was coming from someone else's car, I saw the two Cullens and the Hale twins getting into their car. It was the shiny new Volvo. Of course. I hadn't noticed their clothes before — I'd been too mesmerized by their faces. Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dishrags and pulled it off. It seemed excessive for them to have both looks and money. But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn't look as if it bought them any acceptance here._

No, I didn't fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn't imagine any door that wouldn't be opened by that degree of beauty."

1.) Looks can't buy you everything. I mean, honestly, I've known that for years, and I'm a good 4 years younger than Bella, not to mention Meyer.

2.) For some reason, the Forksian people are somewhat poor in Meyer's world. So the Cullens flaunting their wealth is reeking of obnoxiousness.

3.) We're on chapter 2 and I don't see the Cullens making any effort whatsoever to blend in. Fail.

4.) Not everybody will agree that they're OMGZHAWT. Not everyone agrees with Bella, and she can't declare that everybody has to think they're OMGZHAWT. You should hear my best friend and I argue over guys. She says she has no qualms about singing "You Married An Ugly Guy" at my wedding if she sees it to be fit.

I'm literally sitting her slack-jawed after reading this.

_"The Thriftway was not far from the school, just a few streets south, off the highway. It was nice to be inside the supermarket; it felt normal. I did the shopping at home, and I fell into the pattern of the familiar task gladly. The store was big enough inside that I couldn't hear the tapping of the rain on the roof to remind me where I was._

When I got home, I unloaded all the groceries, stuffing them in wherever I could find an open space. I hoped Charlie wouldn't mind. I wrapped potatoes in foil and stuck them in the oven to bake, covered a steak in marinade and balanced it on top of a carton of eggs in the fridge.

When I was finished with that, I took my book bag upstairs. Before starting my homework, I changed into a pair of dry sweats, pulled my damp hair up into a pony-tail, and checked my e-mail for the first time. I had three messages."

Can you guess what's wrong with that?

There isn't any **WORMHOLE TRAVEL.**

No **Adjective Overkill.**

No **FORESHADOWING FAILS.**

No nothing.

Exactly.

THERE'S _NOTHING._

IT'S A GODDAMN LAUNDRY LIST. IT'S ONE HUNDRED SIXTY-SEVEN WORDS OF PURE _NOTHING. _THAT'S FILLER. NOTHING BUT GODDAMN _FILLER. _YOU COULD TAKE IT OUT AND LOSE _NOTHING. _NO IMPACT IS MADE. THE BOOK IS LONG ENOUGH ALONE. THERE'S NO REASON TO JUST HAVE OVER 100 WORDS OF UNNECESSARY CRAP.

I apologize for my little spaz attack up there, but DEAR GOD.

And anyway I thought Charlie and the town and everybody was OHSOPOOR. Steaks aren't cheap. Way to throw logic out the window.

Moving on.

Bella's three messages are all from her Mom, each one getting more and more annoyed that Bella hasn't contacted her since she left Phoenix.

_What?_

She just moved over a thousand miles, and doesn't even bother to call her Mom – her **"best friend" – **and then she has the audacity to complain that Renee dare bother her.

*mashes head into keyboard violently*

Bella sends her a short email first –much shorter than her recent Laundry List of Doom™ - insisting that she doesn't do anything **"rash." **Like – le gasp – CALL.

THE HORROR.

Then Bella says that **"of course it's raining" **and where Renee's missing blouse is. She also mentions that she didn't write earlier since she was "**was waiting for something to write about**." You didn't have anything to say, how about "I got here safely, and I love you"? Is that not worth taking five seconds out of your OHSOBUSY schedule to write?

Bella also says that she now has a truck and randomly reminds us about her clumsiness.

By the way, we have no idea if Bella even sent the email. It goes right from her signing her name to her reading _Wuthering Heights._

_"I had decided to read __Wuthering Heights__ — the novel we were currently studying in English — yet again for the fun of it, and that's what I was doing when Charlie came home. I'd lost track of the time, and I hurried downstairs to take the potatoes out and put the steak in to broil."_

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 6**

What kind of transition was that?

(The non-existent kind)

Oh, and I'm not impressed you read the classics, Bella. So do the characters in _The Mother-Daughter Book Club _series. And they do it without being total Mary-Sues.

Bella immediately patronizes Charlie for calling her name when he gets home – **"who else would it be?" – **and he hangs up his gun belt. Then Meyer gets totally sidetracked: "**As far as I was aware, he'd never shot the gun on the job. But he kept it ready. When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.**"

Wow, some characterization. Too bad it's entirely out of place.

Charlie asks Bella what she made for dinner, and before she can answer, she mentions Renee sucks at cooking too. Meh.

So anyway, Charlie goes into the living room, watches TV for half a second, and then the food is ready. A millisecond later, he's on seconds.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 7**

Charlie asks how school is, and Bella says she's sort of made friends – which is hilarious, no you haven't Bella, nice try – and then she says everybody's great, "**with one outstanding exception."**

And the conversation is suddenly about Wardo. Again.

Charlie says **"Dr. Cullen's a great man", **and when Bella mentions that the Cullens are OHSOSNOBBY and nobody likes them (alright, she worded it nicer. But we were all thinkin' it!) Charlie has an OOC fit and goes on for a paragraph about how the Cullens are awesome, have always been awesome, are preemptively awesome at things that haven't been invented yet, are the greatest thing that's ever happened to Forks, and if you don't agree, you suck, so don't.

Bella defends herself by saying "**they seem nice enough to [her]**" and that **"they're all very attractive".**

First of all, I would've retaliated at Charlie, saying they rudely ignored everybody at school, they are _not _the best thing ever, and that no one likes them because they are, as before mentioned, OHSOSNOBBY.

And anyway, they _don't _seem very nice to me. They haven't interacted with anybody – being OMGZHAWT does _NOT _make someone a good person.

Then Charlie immediately blows our minds again with this line:

_"It's a good thing [Carlisle is] happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around."_

Are NONE of these nurses dating or married? I mean, are they that shallow, like Bella? Do they believe that being OMGZHAWT qualifies you for everything? I mean, let's say he is OMGZHAWT. I seriously doubt _ANYONE _is OMGZHAWT enough to distract **"a lot of the nurses"**, and they should really concentrate better, they're NURSES. If they're too busy concentrating on an OMGZHAWT guy, they shouldn't be in the medical career.

Whatever.

Dinner's over a nanosecond later and Charlie goes to watch TV again, and Bella does the dishes, whining all the way because there's no dishwasher. She goes upstairs to do math homework and then she's in bed about a minute later.

Did I get a junk copy or something that's missing some paragraphs or pages or something?

Oh god, it gets WORSE.

The ENTIRE week of Wardo's absence is in a 310 word paragraph – only a little longer than our little laundry list a while back - and is mostly Bella obsession over why he isn't there and where he could be, with one small break for Bella to talk about how much the beaches suck, and how she doesn't want to go, but Mike invited her, so she's going just to be gracious.

She also takes time to complain about the library, the rain, her mom, the rain, her truck, the rain, Mike, the rain, her boredom, the rain, Forks in general, and the rain.

Did I mention the rain?

And now it's Monday.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 8**

Bella boasts about the quiz on _Wuthering Heights _and how easy it was –

And I have a problem.

Meyer, I am not impressed because Bella knew everything and that she didn't study. I usually forget about quizzes and am forced to wing them. Lots of people do.

Second, it's a quiz on book. As long as you read it, or even skimmed it, you should be able to figure it out. Or you could've watched movie if you're that anti-reading. Actually, I think movies are harder. Last year in Chorus my class watched _Newsies _and had to take a quiz on it. Not only did I not know who 80% of the characters it was acting about were (They seriously named a guy _Crutchy. _Am I actually supposed to know that's not a joke?) but I hadn't actually known we were getting quizzed. And I couldn't just make crap up because apparently it's based on true story (_Sure,_ Disney.)

So STOP trying to impress me and other teenagers everywhere.

Class ends after two seconds.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 9**

Class ends after two seconds, and when they go outside, it's snowing. Instead of being excited or even a little happy for a change, Bella declares her entire day is ruined, and when Mike asks why, Bella patronizes him.

_"No. That means it's too cold for rain." Obviously. "Besides, I thought it was supposed to come down in flakes — you know, each one unique and all that. These just look like the ends of Q-tips."_

"Haven't you ever seen snow fall before?" he asked incredulously.

_"Sure I have." I paused. "On TV."_

The snow is offending her? Are you kidding me?

And Bella was just being all condescending because the people of Forks (for some bizarre reason) had no idea what dry weather and sunshine was, and yet it's okay for her not to know what snow is?

The scene is interrupting by Eric throwing a snowball at Mike, and when he leaves, Bella (of course) whines. Why? Are you upset there's no one to bad-talk?

A snowball fight breaks out, and Bella runs for the hills, not wanting to get involved. Even though everyone is happy about the snow, Bella never shuts up about how much it sucks, why it sucks, and if you don't think it sucks, you suck, so don't.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 14**

Tara had way of making "Enoby" think only her opinion mattered, and if you didn't agree, you sucked, mostly using this as an excuse to randomly bash an OC "prep" named Brittany.

Somehow the entire school is involved in the snowball fight, even though they have about 4 minutes to get to class and probably don't have time to organize all this, and Bella glares at all of them so no one ambushes her, which somehow works. If that'd me, she'd be a target. Oh, well.

And then it's lunch.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 10**

Everyone gets their food and sits down, and Bella glances over to the Cullen's table **"out of habit." **I'd make a comment, but, le gasp,

WARDO HAS RETURNED.

Wow, we spent a whole twelve pages without him. However, only about 3 of those pages do not mention him.

I think he was gone about a week and half, but the absurd time skips make it seem like he was only gone for a day or so. Fail.

Bella has a spaz attack and flips out, getting sick to her stomach and considering skipping Biology to avoid him.

WHAT?

Was the only one under the impression that she _wanted_ him to come back? I mean, she didn't shut up about him until he came back, and now that he's here, she wants nothing to do with him?

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 15**

Anywhoodly-doodles, she looks at the Cullen table, and – HOLY CHIPOTLE – they're smiling!

They're having fun and laughing!

WHEN DID WE ENTER THE TWILIGHT ZONE?!

Oh.

Wait.

Never mind….

And then our journey into the other side is interrupted by Bella.

_"But, aside from the laughter and playfulness, there was something different, and I couldn't quite pinpoint what that difference was. I examined Edward the most carefully. His skin was less pale, I decided — flushed from the snow fight maybe — the circles under his eyes much less noticeable. But there was something more. I pondered, staring, trying to isolate the change."_

Why is Bella constantly talking about skin color and eye color? What the hell kind of obsession is that?

Then Meyer beats us over the head by having Jessica ask what Bella's staring at, and having Wardo look over. Again

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 13**

And then she does it _again. _

_"He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way"._

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 14**

We know three things about Wardo already:

- He can either read minds or has supersonic hearing.

- He can't hear Bella for some reason.

- He is OHSOFRUSTRATED by this fact.

Jessica says Edward's staring at Bella and he doesn't look to have any intention of stopping. Bella says she doesn't think Wardo likes her, but Jessica insists that "**the Cullens don't like anybody**", and having read _Midnight Sun, _I'd say that's pretty accurate.

Bella demands that Jessica stop staring, "**contemplating violence if she resisted**".

Since Wardo's back and is free to be gawked at, Bella seems to think it's alright to completely ignore everybody at the table again. She decides she will go to Biology after all, even though she feels sick and is terrified.

WHY?

**WHY?**

Bella is officially a wuss.

Or maybe she's a walrus.

I don't like walruses.

After lunch, it stops snowing and starts raining, making everybody upset except for Bella who's just over the moon because now everyone else can feel her **ANGST.**

Bella walks to Bio with Mike, but completely ignores him. Even if you're a big daydreamer (I am) it's still rude. Then she sits down and waits for Wardo to waltz in, also ignoring Mike this entire time.

And then – POW! – there he is!

Wardo apparently says hell in **"a quiet, musical voice." ** This isn't _High School Musical. _If he sings everything he says, I get why they don't like him.

Even though Wardo still thinks he's on a Disney movie set, Bella goes on and on and on about how gorgeous he is and how is voice is so SMEXY and how his face is just –

Oh lord.

**"Dazzling."**

Folks, we've been officially **"dazzled."**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****1**

Edward acts like he wasn't the biggest jerk on the planet a week ago and says that she **"must be Bella Swan."**

Okay, she's not a flipping movie star. Not everybody knows who she is.

Of course, Bella demands to know why he called her "Bella" because everyone seem to know her as "Isabella."

You know, Bella really doesn't seem like an "Isabella" to me. More of an "Isoballa" or "Izebela" or an equally annoying spelling.

Be prepared for me to randomly call her obnoxious spellings of Isabella.

And to answer Isoilbealla's question, maybe he know your name because you've been there a week and are apparently world-famous in this universe.

GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

Anyway, Edward feels the need to get totally OHSOSYMBOLIC.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 14**

Then we get sidetracked because the teacher walks in and the following sentences don't make sense together:

_"Thankfully, Mr. Banner started class at that moment. I tried to concentrate as he explained the lab we would be doing today. The slides in the box were out of order."_

I like Nutella. The grass is green.

Wardo says **"ladies first**" and gives her the microscope, and I wish Bella would've given it right back and been like "Yep, ladies first!"

Unfortunately, Meyer has no sense of humor and Bella just stares at him: "**[he was]** **smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that [she] could only stare at him like an idiot**".

**CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 1**

The lab is on cell mitosis, using onion root cells. Something about the four phases. And guess what, in yet another plot twist, BELLA'S ALREADY DONE THE LAB BECAUSE SHE'S OHSOADVANCED.

Bella immediately labels the cell, and when Edward wants a look, this abomination is thrown at us:

_"His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked. His fingers were ice-cold, like he'd been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn't why I jerked my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us."_

Look at Meyer's take on this:

**_Q._**_ Why did Bella get that electric shock or whatever from Edward when they were in biology?_

_**A.**__ Physical chemistry. The jolt you get when you brush fingers with the hottest guy you've ever seen… sigh…Edward… Ha ha._

The other day in Chorus I dropped my music and when the guy sitting next to me handed it to me, my hand got shocked. And NO, Meyer, it was not "physical chemistry". It was STATIC. And guess what shocked Bella's hand?

STATIC.

Moving on.

Oh, and the cold? He _did _have his hands in the snow, remember? He was playing in it! I'd give it a **FORESHADOWING FAIL, **but that was more of Bella being a huge moron.

It takes Wardo about half a second to examine the slide, which Bella gushes over, and then they're done with the lab a second later.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 11**

Bella spends the next paragraph talking about Edward's handwriting and how much hers sucks compared to his and also that everyone else in the class are big idiots because they can't figure it out.

I'm not impressed.

I haven't done that lab yet, but I've heard it's an easier one. And unless everyone in the class has horrible eyesight and forgot their glasses, there are going to people done just as fast. Plus, you're both cheaters. Bella's done it before, and Wardo has done it about a billion times, plus he has better eyesight, not to mention he can read the teacher's mind.

Bella looks over at him and he makes a big show out of being frustrated again. Then Bella figures out what The Big Difference was back at lunch.

_"Did you get contacts?" I blurted out unthinkingly._

He seemed puzzled by my unexpected question. "No."

"Oh," I mumbled. "I thought there was something different about your eyes."

He shrugged, and looked away.

In fact, I was sure there was something different. I vividly remembered the flat black color of his eyes the last time he'd glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his auburn hair. Today, his eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher, darker than butterscotch, but with the same golden tone. I didn't understand how that could be, unless he was lying for some reason about the contacts. Or maybe Forks was making me crazy in the literal sense of the word."

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 15**

How the _hell _could Bella notice a change in his eye color from quick glances ACROSS A HUGE ROOM?

Mr. Banner saunters over, and immediately assumes Wardo did the whole lab, and voices his opinion, which I doubt any teacher would ever do. When Edward says Bella actually did most of it, Mr. Banner is instantly OHSOSKEPTICAL. Why is he a teacher? Then he asks and learns that Bella's already done the lab before wandering off again.

Well, THAT was genius.

Wardo pretty much forces himself to make small talk, and asks Bella about the snow. Bella says she's just PLEASED AS PUNCH that it's stopped, and Edward immediately assumes she hates all things cold, and he is somehow correct. I thought he COULDN'T read her mind….

Bella also mentions she doesn't like the wet. Wardo wonders why she came to Forks in the first place, and he says it "**must be a difficult place for [her] to live**", to which she replies, "**You have no idea.**" Why not? You get to whine all the time, and whining seems to be your only and favorite hobby.

Then Wardo **"demands" **to know why she moved to Forks. I'm officially creeped out, and we're only on the second chapter. Not good. Bella says it's **"complicated", **which it isn't, and then Wardo keeps pressuring her into telling him…so she does.

What follows is a long and vague description of the first chapter, with Wardo throwing in wild assumption every five seconds and Bella making herself seem selfless. Wardo mentions the move mad her upset, and Bella goes completely faux-martyr and says her unhappiness isn't important.

Then STOP complaining.

Edward's response is baffling:

"_His gaze became appraising."You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."_

Um, no. She's spoiled brat who doesn't appreciate what she has.

Bella allows Wardo to be smug and think he's right, and orders him to tell her why he cares.

Wardo says he doesn't know and then randomly asks if he's **"annoying" **her. Maybe not, you're annoying ME. He also sounds **"amused." **Oh, this is good. He's pleased at the thought of agitating her.

Then Bella looks over at him and his Dazzling Face of Dazzling Stuff dazzles her into telling he truth.

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****2**

Bella assures him he's not annoying her (much to his disappointment) and says she's "**more annoyed at [herself]. [Her] face is so easy to read — [her] mother always calls [her] an open book.**"

Wow, we got the chapter title thrown in there. I think that's the only reason why this sentence exists – it doesn't belong here.

Wardo is pleased with himself for being That Awesome and then class is over. Wardo flounces away and – look out – here comes Mike.

_"Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail."_

That wasn't just rude –that was downright mean.

Mike also assumes Edward did the whole lab, which I have to admit, would make me upset, but Bella's not exactly winning Miss OHSONICE. Bella gets pissy about it but then is instantly regretful. Mike mention that Wardo was **"nice enough" **today and then it's gym again. This should be good.

_"Mike was on my team today. He chivalrously covered my position as well as his own, so my woolgathering was only interrupted when it was my turn to serve; my team ducked warily out of the way every time I was up."_

Am I the only one wondering why she's not after Mike? He seem MUCH nicer than Mr. Congeniality over here.

Then it goes into yet another laundry list of her leaving, followed by Wardo laughing because Bella almost hits another car on the way out of the parking lot.

I REPEAT:

WARDO IS FINDING IT OPENLY FUNNY THAT BELLA ALMOST TOTALED SOMEONE ELSE'S CAR AND IF SHE HAD, MOST LIKELY, SOMEONE WOULD'VE BEEN INJURED.

Things are _not _looking up for the rest of this book.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 15**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 15**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 11**

**Adjective Overkill: 2**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****2**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOM: 1**


	4. Chapter 3, Part 1

**Hey guys! This chapter is dedicated to Angel419, HPHJOTHG3, professa-dorkbrain, Restin Peace (We're ****_all_**** more of a man than Edward XD), HeapsofHorses, Woman Aren't Human, OhSnapItzLara, and LovesToWriteForever!**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own ****_Twilight_****, or ****_Harry Potter_****, or ****_A Christmas Story_****, or ****_Scream,_**** or Transformers, or ****_Telletubbies_**, **or anything else I mention that's copyrighted by anyone other than MOI.**

**Chapter 3 - Phenomenon**

Okay, we're about 50 pages in. Time to recap the action!

_(No data available. Nothing has happened.)_

Precisely. Moving on.

Bella wakes up and has a smidge of emotion – it's not foggy! But then she immediately falls into a deep, dark pit of depression when she realizes IT SNOWED!

Oh god, I can just tell, half this chapter is going to do nothing but showcase the LOLCLUMSY.

Okay, Bella does gets a little credit – snow means ice, and although ice can be pretty, it can be horrifying for anyone driving, especially for someone like Bella with no experience with it. But the credit is limited, since Bella isn't worried about driving, it's the fact that she's LOLCLUMSY and the ice is going to make it even worse.

My suspicions have been confirmed.

Actually, Bella really hasn't shown us much LOLCLUMSY. She's talked about it, but being bad at sports doesn't equal LOLCLUMSY. I suck at sports, but I'm not clumsy. Hasn't Meyer ever heard the "show, don't tell" rule?

By the time Bella gets downstairs, Charlie's long gone, which she is extremely excited about because "**living with Charlie was like having [her] own place**". That line pisses me off, because I've read this book. And as time goes on, she starts treating it like it actually _is_ her own place. And I DON'T like it. But that's a story for later.

Bella is not just delighted about Charlie being gone – she's "**reveling**" in his absence. Dear god, this is just so unappreciative.

Then we get this sentence: **"[she]** **threw down a quick bowl of cereal and some orange juice from the carton**". The phrase is "tossed down", Meyer. It sounds like she threw it on the floor.

Then we get an update on Bella's feelings about school:

_"I felt excited to go to school, and that scared me. I knew it wasn't the stimulating learning environment I was anticipating, or seeing my new set of friends. If I was being honest with myself, I knew I was eager to get to school because I would see Edward Cullen. And that was very, very stupid."_

You're right Bella. It _is_ stupid. Wardo has been nothing but a condescending, pompous, stuck up, obnoxious, snobby little b*tch since he first came into this story. Oh, and watch out; calling her own thoughts and actions stupid (or dumb, or idiotic, or bad, or wrong, you get the picture) happens many times throughout the book. For someone who thinks she's so high and mighty, Bella has awfully low self-esteem.

Then Bella wants to know WHY HE WOULD LIE ABOUT HIS EYES FOR NO REASON THAT'S OHSOSUSPICIOUS, except it _isn't_. Maybe you're just a MORON. Then Bella says that she "**was well aware that [her] league and his league were spheres that did not touch**".

As most of us are well aware, this is just a self-insert on Meyer's part and Meyer's dream is to date the hottest and sexiest guy IN DA HISTORY OF EVAR. Therefore, it's pretty goddamn obvious that Bella's gonna date him.

Oh, and both of those?

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 17**

One for each of them.

And here it comes – the big LOLCLUMSY showcase:

_"It took every ounce of my concentration to make it down the icy brick driveway alive. I almost lost my balance when I finally got to the truck, but I managed to cling to the side mirror and save myself. Clearly, today was going to be nightmarish."_

Yes, indeed, it _will_ be nightmarish - for anyone trying to read this crap, at least.

1.) You're hanging on to the side mirror? The side mirror is the only thing supporting your weight? I don't care how slim and fit you are, that thing is going to come clean off and you're going to fall anyway.

2.) In some places (like Oklahoma), brick is cheap and easy to get. However, in other places, brick is less common because it's A,) more expensive there, and B.) Needs constant repair. Plus, it being very wet in Forks would make the situation worse. So the Swan house having a brick driveway doesn't make sense.

I know it's a small detail, and in a good book, I wouldn't care. But this is not a good book. So the errors jump out so much more.

Oh, look, my idea that Bella has low self-esteem is quickly trumped:

_"Driving to school, I distracted myself from my fear of falling and my unwanted speculations about Edward Cullen by thinking about Mike and Eric, and the obvious difference in how teenage boys responded to me here. I was sure I looked exactly the same as I had in Phoenix. Maybe it was just that the boys back home had watched me pass slowly through all the awkward phases of adolescence and still thought of me that way. Perhaps it was because I was a novelty here, where novelties were few and far between. Possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing rather than pathetic, casting me as a damsel in distress. Whatever the reason, Mike's puppy dog behavior and Eric's apparent rivalry with him were disconcerting. I wasn't sure if I didn't prefer being ignored."_

Or, perhaps, it's because you're The Sue and Meyer's making them love you.

I mean, there's no reason why they all have crushes on her. She's revoltingly rude. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind obnoxious or mean characters. I love Draco in _Harry Potter, _one of my favorite characters in _A Christmas Story _is that bully kid who had nothing better to do than wear a raccoon hat and pin kids' arms behind their backs until they cried, hell, my favorite character in _Scream? _One of the killers.

I love a good villain. Someone mean and rotten, the worse the better.

However, there is a reason why most characters who have awful personalities work in other books and movies.

**BECAUSE IT WAS ****_INTENTIONAL._**

**YOU AREN'T_ SUPPOSED _TO LIKE THEM.**

If Bella was _supposed _to be the character you loved to hate (or just loved, if you like villains for some reason like yours truly), it would be AWESOME. This complete psycho who think she's tortured when she has no problems.

As is, it's not working.

Also, does Bella think being LOLCLUMSY is the equivalent to having a life threatening disease? The way it's written, it sure looks that way. There are people who have diseases like ALS and physically cannot walk. There are people who've been in wheel chairs since they were toddlers. I don't know who she thinks she's getting sympathy from.

Then, by some miracle, Bella has an easy time DRIVING OVER BLACK ICE, which is near impossible. When she gets to school and out of the truck, she notices the reason she had a easy time driving was not because of her OHSOAMAZING driving skills, but because Charlie has put snow chains on the wheels! "**My throat suddenly felt tight. I wasn't used to being taken care of, and Charlie's unspoken concern caught me by surprise.**"

Why? He's your father! Despite how ungrateful you are, he loves you and doesn't want you to crash into a tree (even though we all wish you would.)

So Bella's busy having an OHSOEMOTIONAL moment for no reason, and also focusing on the fact that EDWARD CULLEN IS STANDING 4 CARS AWAY LOOKING TERRIFIED AND HE STANDS OUT FROM EVERYBODY ELSE WITH THE EXACT SAME EXPRESSIOM ON THEIR FACES FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Oh, yeah – and there's a van coming speeding towards her, skidding out of control, with a "**high-pitched screech.**" And what's strange is even though Bella insists the van is more important, Wardo not only is mentioned first, but also in much more detail.

And there are problems with that:

1.) Yet another issue of poor research. According to LE INTERNET, when you have spun out on black ice, your tires have lost contact with the pavement and there's no friction. Therefore, there wouldn't be _any _sound.

2.) Let's say, for sake of argument, Bella CAN hear the van. SHE **KNOWS** A VAN IS GOING OT KILL HER ANY SECOND NOW, AND YET SHE HAS TIME TO NOTICE WARDO'S EXPRESSION, POSTION, PLACE, COORDINATES, HAIRSTYLE, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE. Does Meyer think we're…intrigued by this? Like we're going to act like she's just dangled a carrot in front of us and ripped it away by focusing on the van instead? Really?

3.) WHY IS BELLA DOING _NOTHING? _I know Meyer is trying to act like it's one of those situations that happens so fast that no one can do anything and making it more impressive when Wardo saves her (which we all know he will), but it doesn't make sense that Bella's like "WARDO WARDO WARDO oh look a van WARDO WARDO."

4.) There isn't time to get out of the way, but there is time for Bella to notice the van's sound, turn around, describe Wardo, describe the people around Wardo, describe the van, describe at what angle the van was going to hit her, and about how long it was going to be before it hit her.

It just doesn't add up.

And then it shifts over to what Edward's doing.

He seems to want to put himself into the most confusing car accident that has ever happened. I understand that Meyer wanted it to be confusing so we can clearly see just how crazy this accident is, but she's doing it wrong. It should be confusing for the _characters, _not the readers.

Well, as far as I can tell, this is what happened:

The van folds around Bella's truck, Wardo jumps in and stops it from hitting Bella, he smacks her against the ground a few times for no reason, the van magically unfolds itself and the driver is so angry he tries to run over Bella _again_, I cheer him on, but Edward's like "Nice try LOLZ," and smashes his hands into the van which somehow ruins it completely, but then it reveals that it is really a TRANSFORMER and tries to jump on Bella, Wardo smacks her on the ground a few more times just because he can, and then he picks up the van over his head and throws it on the ground. Meanwhile, Bella lies on the ground and does nothing.

And so was the epic battle of WARDO VS TRANSFORMER.

**TWILIGHT= My Immortal: 16**

Then, Bella finally gets up and notice that Edward's hands fit "**providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van's body**".

**"Providently"**? Are you trying to say it's _lucky _that his hands fit in there? Are you trying to imply that the dent is not new, and that's coincidental that his hands fit there?

Seriously?

Then she insists "**his hands moved so fast they blurred**". Try waving your hand around in front of your face quickly. If it blurs, you're apparently a vampire.

Oh, this is hilarious: she claims Wardo **"utters a low oath". **He said "damn", if you're wondering. Most people don't consider "hell" and "damn" and things like that swear words anymore. Also, Bella's a 17 year old girl in the 21st century. I understand "he swore" or "he cursed", but **"a low oath"**? Not buying it.

Also, what speed was the Transformer going? It's a parking lot! However, he caused such a big accident I have to believe he was going at least 60 MPH, which is extremely dangerous.

Oh, and does Meyer not understand how car crashes work? Unless the van _is_ a Transformer, and Optimus Prime is going to come in here any second, what happened wouldn't have. The damage would not be as serious as Meyer depcts it to be. It would be entertaining, though. Maybe a telletubbie could wander in here and make this story complete. I like the purple one.

Guys, Bella almost _died_ and I'm talking about _Telletubbies._

Fail, yet again, Meyer.

Now, to tally up all the ridiculous foreshadowing that just ensued:

For claiming there's no time to move, yet have Wardo transport himself from 4 cars away –

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 18**

For making a huge deal over his BLURRING HANDS OF MYSTERY –

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 19**

For having Wardo apparently pick up and throw the van –

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 20**

And for assuming we actually think he's still human?

**_YOU'RE AN IDIOT, MEYER._**

Moving on.

Bella tries to get up, but Wardo has her pinned down like they're wrestling and mentions she hit her head (because you smacked her against the ground, Einstein), which Bella did not realize until he pointed it out.

_"Ow," I said, surprised._

"That's what I thought." His voice, amazingly, sounded like he was suppressing laughter.

That's a sadist if I've ever seen one.

So Bella finally gets up (and the way it's written, it seems like he's giving her permission to do so) and Bella's only question? "**How did you get over here so fast?**"

DUDE. He just threw a van and that's your first question. Real realistic. EDWARD IS THE FLASH, GODDANMIT. I mean, are you really that slow?

Wardo's response? **"[He] was standing right next to [her]".**

And then he promptly DAZZLES her.

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****3**

However, there is no time to be dazzled, as the onlookers have arrived, and they're _crying. _

Not because they're worried about the driver, who defiantly suffered more damage.

They're worried about _Bella._

OH MY GOD.

THIS ISN'T LIKE IT'S YOUR BEST FRIEND THAT ALMOST DIED. IT'S A GIRL YOU MET _A WEEK AGO._

Bella ignores the crying onlookers because she insists Wardo WAS TOO over there, and Wardo's like WAS NOT, and Bella's like WAS TOO, and this pretty much lasts an entire page until he "**he unleashed the full, devastating power of his eyes on [her]**".

God.

Bella continues this kindergartener act, still completely ignoring that fact that he picked up the van and threw it with ONE HAND.

This just gets worse.

**Stay tuned for the other half of this chapter and review!**


	5. Chapter 3, Part 2

**Hello, my sweet angel friends! Did you hear about the shooting at Sandy Hook school? I live in the same county and it's horrifying. I heard 27 people died and 18 were kids. I mean…that's just terrible.**

***moment of silence***

**Anywho, this chapter is dedicated to Phantomhawk-writer, Gammija, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, HPPJOTHG3, XxNekoHentaixX, Restin Peece, OhSnapItzLara, PerfectlyImperfectGirl, Writer and Bookworm, and Angel419, for being epic.**

**Onto the chapter!**

**Chapter 3 – Phenomenon (part 2)**

We left off with Bella being idiotically dazzled and the onlookers of the epic battle of Wardo vs Transformer.

The counts were as followed:

**_Do I Dazzle You?: 3_**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 20**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 16**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 11**

**Adjective Overkill: 2**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 1**

Okay, let's get into the story!

Bella finally acknowledges the van – "**it took six EMTS and two teachers – Mr. Varner and Coach Clapp – to shift van far enough away from [them] to bring in the stretchers. **

Is Bella having a brain fart?

IT TOOK EIGHT PEOPLE TO MOVE THE VAN THAT EDWARD PICKED UP WITH ONE HAND.

USE YOUR THOUGHTS, BELLA, USE YOUR THOUGHTS.

There's something wrong here.

Didn't anyone else _see _Wardo teleport over there and start smacking this van all over kingdom come? And, if Meyer actually thinks that it was SO confusing that no one knew what was going on, that means BELLA wouldn't know what happened either. Which means Bella saw something a little weird and jumped to wild conclusions. What next, Meyer? Does Bella assume that elves sprinkle the dew on the grass every morning? How 'bout the weather? Is it a machine in the sky operated by a wizard?

Wardo insists he'll explain what happened later (LOL he doesn't) and then the story just gets unbelievable.

_It took six EMTs and two teachers — Mr. Varner and Coach Clapp — to shift the van far enough away from us to bring the stretchers in. Edward vehemently refused his, and I tried to do the same, but the traitor told them I'd hit my head and probably had a concussion. I almost died of humiliation when they put on the neck brace. It looked like the entire school was there, watching soberly as they loaded me in the back of the ambulance. Edward got to ride in the front. It was maddening._

To make matters worse, Chief Swan arrived before they could get me safely away.

"Bella!" he yelled in panic when he recognized me on the stretcher.

"I'm completely fine, Char — Dad," I sighed. "There's nothing wrong with me."

He turned to the closest EMT for a second opinion. I tuned him out to consider the jumble of inexplicable images churning chaotically in my head. When they'd lifted me away from the car, I had seen the deep dent in the tan car's bumper — a very distinct dent that fit the contours of Edward's shoulders… as if he had braced himself against the car with enough force to damage the metal frame…

And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother's safety.

I tried to think of a logical solution that could explain what I had just seen — a solution that excluded the assumption that I was insane.

Naturally, the ambulance got a police escort to the county hospital. I felt ridiculous the whole time they were unloading me. What made it worse was that Edward simply glided through the hospital doors under his own power. I ground my teeth together.

1.) Yeah, Wardo's family is totally trying to blend in by looking ANGRY instead of worried for their brother. Honestly, this is just dumb.

2.) So Bella just danced the tango with Death – but she didn't die! – therefore everyone should just ignore it and move on. Let's gawk at Wardo. No human would react like that.

3.) OH THE MELODRAMA. A NECK BRACE.

4.) 4 pages ago, Bella was having a moment by her tires because of Charlie putting snow tires on her truck. And yet, when he shows up, extremely concerned for her, she goes from zero to b*tch in half a second.

5.) Bella was just thrown around like a rag doll, but since she is obviously smarter than the EMTs, she can decide if she's okay or not. Sure. Do you know how many people have died because they told everyone they were fine after an accident?

Oh great, the shallowness with the neck brace is thorough. As soon as Bella gets to the hospital and the nurse leaves, SHE TAKES OFF THE NECK BRACE AND THROWS IT UNDER THE BED.'

Why?

Because she doesn't want to look ugly in front of Wardo.

KILL ME NOW.

Here comes Tyler Crowley, the mastermind behind the Transformer. His face has been slashed for some reason. I blame Wardo.

Tyler is understandably panicked because he almost killed someone, but Bella completely ignores him, and then pretends to sleep because GOD, CAN'T SHE JUST OBSESS IN PEACE, HE WON'T STOP APOLOGIZING, _GOD. _

Once again, I'm wondering whether or not I'm actually supposed to like Bella. In fact –

**WE ALL HATE HER: 1**

Bella gets an x-ray - "**I told them there was nothing wrong, and I was right. Not even a concussion.**"

Who cares about medical degrees?

Oh, look, here comes Wardo. Last time I checked, random pedestrians aren't allowed to roam the halls of the ER. I guess being the doctor's son gives you special privileges. He's also singing everything again. Kill me.

Bella hears Wardo talking and immediately wakes up to see him smirking at her. Am I really supposed to like _him _as well?

Tyler interrupts SPARKLING TWITS: THE MUSICAL by apologizing to Wardo. Wardo snippily tells him he's fine and goes back to patronizing Bella.

Bella wants to know why Wardo's allowed to frolic and prance around the ER under his own power, and he answers pretty much that he has connections. Are you trying to tell me that the EMTs really said "Hold on, that's Edward Cullen. His dad's a doctor, so he obviously isn't hurt." USE YOUR BRAIN WORDS, MEYER.

This doesn't even make sense. Wardo dazzles the EMTs into not giving him a stretcher, is apparently allowed to wander the hospital and is nosing into other people's injuries. I bet he goes into random hospital rooms and watches heart monitors for fun.

Here comes Dr. Cullen! Bella's reaction? HE HAS DARK CIRCLES UNDER HIS EYES AND IS PALE WELL ISN'T THAT SOMETHING.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 21**

I see where Wardo gets his habit of singing his lines – Dr. Feelgood over here does it too. Anyway, he touches a tender spot, Bella cringes, but when he asks if it hurt, she insists it doesn't.

WHY?

Oh, this makes sense: Dr. Cullen says she can go home and that her dad is in the waiting room. Why is Edward allowed to come in her room, but her own father isn't? Bella asks if she can go to school instead because spending time with her father is OHSOPAINFUL. Dr. Cullen suggests rest instead, and then – oh GOD.

_"I glanced at Edward."Does __he__ get to go to school?"_

"Someone has to spread the good news that we survived," Edward said smugly.

"Actually," Dr. Cullen corrected, "most of the school seems to be in the waiting room."

I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'm not going to –

MOST OF THE SCHOOL DECIDED TO DITCH TO SEE IF BELLA SWAN, THE GIRL THEY'VE KNOWN A _WEEK, _WAS OKAY, NOT TO MENTION THAT THE TEAHCERS AND THE PRINCIPLE AND ALL THE ADULTS IN CHARGE _LET THEM._

**DEAR. LORD.**

Sorry for that.

Oh, and I almost forgot –

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 17**

Bella stands up and is immediately LOLCLUMSY. She then very loudly rambles about how lucky it is that Wardo was standing next to her, to which Dr. Feelgood replies "**Oh, well, yes.**" And then he wanders away.

"**My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it.**"

*stares blankly at screen*

Really, Meyer?

_My _"intuition flickered" long ago. He has dark circles under his eyes, he's pale, his the Cullens' "dad", Wardo's frolicking around the hospital even though he was in a serious accident, and yet Meyer feels the need to inform us that the doctor's in on it.

_A DUNCE CAP FOR YOU, MEYER._

Dr. Cullen has a breakthrough moment and remembers there are patients who are actually injured. Why he decided to fuss over the one who wasn't actually hurt is beyond me.

Now Bella's onto Wardo. He throws a tantrum and prances out of the room while Bella jogs after him. He stops short, turns on her, and gives her _a look, _which renders her helpless. I wish I could do that.

Bella whines about Wardo being mean, but eventually reminds him he said he'dexplain everything. Wardo says "No way, Jose," and claims since he saved her life, he doesn't owe her anything.

The following goes something like this:

**Bella: **(whining) But you _promised!_

**Wardo: **(laughs condescendingly) You hit your head, you have no clue what's going on, run along.

**Bella:** (temper-tantrum mode) There's nothing wrong with my head! Waaah!

**Wardo:** WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! (What Do You Want From Me by Adam Lambert plays in background.)

**Bella:** I MUST KNOW THE TRUTH!

Wardo's reply is "**What do you ****_think_**** happened?**", and Bella brings up our favorite song-and-dance routine: "You were over there!". Oh, and, for the first time, she mentions he picked up the van and crumpled it up like a bag of chips.

_He was staring at me incredulously. But his face was tense, defensive._

"You think I lifted a van off you?" His tone questioned my sanity, but it only made me more suspicious. It was like a perfectly delivered line by a skilled actor.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 22**

How no one has figured Wardo out yet is beyond me – if you can tell it's acting, it's not good acting.

Bella says she isn't going to tell anyone, and Wardo goes into shock-mode for reasons unknown. He wants to know why she cares, and Bella's reply is "**I don't like to lie — so there'd better be a good reason why I'm doing it.**"

Considering how much you've lied already, and how much you lie in the future, I really don't believe that.

They bicker for a minute, but then Bella gets "**distracted by his livid, glorious face**".

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****4**

Bella glares at him, but then renders it pointless because "**it was like trying to stare down a destroying angel**".

Go ahead and type in "destroying angel" into Google Images. I'll wait.

…It's fungi.

I think you meant _avenging _angel. If you type that into Google Images, what you get is probably closer to what she was going for.

Smooth, Meyer.

Bella wants to know why Wardo even saved her in the first place. "**He paused, and for a brief moment his stunning face was unexpectedly vulnerable." **Yeah, he has no idea why. Literally, he tells her he doesn't know.

Maybe because he knew he could and it was the right thing to do?

LOL no, he has no clue.

Bella is pissed and stomps out of the hospital room into the waiting room, where she wines about how the entire school is there to gawk at her.

Yeah, I still don't get it.

She pretty much tells Charlie to talk to the hand, and ignores the paparazzi as they get into the cruiser and drive home, and Bella ignores Charlie the whole way there.

When they get home, Charlie tells Bella he told Renee about the accident, and she slams the car door, yells at him, and gives him the silent treatment for the rest of the day.

And we're still supposed to like her.

**WE ALL HATE HER: 2**

Bella calls her mom.

_"My mom was in hysterics, of course. I had to tell her I felt fine at least thirty times before she would calm down. She begged me to come home — forgetting the fact that home was empty at the moment — but her pleas were easier to resist than I would have thought. I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn't as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be."_

I see the running theme of insulting yourself has returned.

Oh, and way to insult Forks. No one would ever want to live there, it sucks, and because Bella Swan has declared it sucks, it does, and if you have a different opinion, you're wrong, so don't.

In the end, Bella complains about Charlie, takes some Tylenol, and goes to sleep.

"**That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.**"

Congrats, Meyer, there is no mystery left in your story and we still have 23 chapters to go.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 11**

**Adjective Overkill: 2**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 1**

**WE ALL HATE HER: 2**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****4**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 22**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 17**


	6. Beyond Twilight: Twihard Stupidity

**Guys, this isn't a regular chapter, but it HAD to be done. I was surfing the 'net today and came across a list of reasons why "Twilight is better than Harry Potter" and since I love Harry Potter, as I am assuming a few of you do, I had to read it. I assumed it would be all people's opinions, and a few were, but most were actually…wrong. Not their opinions, but their reasons literally were not correct. And since we all hate Twilight, I decided to a little chapter called BEYOND TWILIGHT: Twihard Stupidity. I think you'll enjoy it, even if you don't like Harry Potter.**

**Dedications: Women Aren't Human, HPPHOTHG3, 11, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, ineverhadapony, OhSnapItzLara, Restin Peece, and cammieXzachxx!**

**DISCLAIMER: I only own my commentary on the reasons (which are from various Twihards in their very own words). I do not own the list, Harry Potter, or Twilight.**

**1. Robert Pattinson, can you say HOT? And he's totally sexy when he sparkles!**

This has nothing to do with why it's better. Robert Pattinson has nothing to do with the books.

**2. Taylor Lautner, I mean, have you SEEN those muscles?**

Ditto.

**3. Kristen Stewart. An extremely talented and beautiful actress, with loads of potential.**

Ditto, and Kristen Stewart has all the personality of a potato.

**4. The Volturi. REALISTIC villains, instead of insane freaks in cloaks, like Voldemort and the Death Eaters.**

Are you telling me the Volturi _aren't _insane freaks in cloaks?

**5. Because its just common sence to like twilight! Haha. Romance means everything. Bella and Edward are like, MENT 4 each other, and everything is just...PERFECT! In Harry potter, u would that that harry and harmonie would like...fall in love or something...and then u watch people die in freaky ways, and then there are creepy things...GAHH! but yea. (:**

I'm dying of laughter over here. "It's just common sense (spelled correctly) to like twilight!" and Bella and Edward "are like, MEANT (spelled correctly) 4 each other". This person just showed us that she isn't exactly the brightest bulb in pack, considering she misspelled "sense" and "meant", so… I'll just let THAT one speak for itself.

**6. Because it's one of the greatest love stories ever! Harry Potter is good too, but Twilight has way more romance and more hot guys...EDWARD, JASPER, EMMETT, CARLISLE! Need I say more!**

1.) One of the greatest love stories ever? Oh my GOD…

2.) Once again with the hot guys argument. WE CANNOT PHYSICALLY SEE EDWARD, JASPER, EMMETT, OR CARLISLE. You can picture them however you want, but how _I _picture them isn't going to look the same as _you _picture them. (And I can play this card too – Draco Malfoy's hot, don't listen to anyone who tells you different).

**7. Yes, we all know that Harry Potter and Twilight are both fiction, but Twilight is clearly better. When I read a book, I like to imagine myself in the plot or relate to the story somewhat. Aside from the vampire theme, Twilight actually takes place in a REAL town with up to date things. ex) cars, school, etc. I'm sorry but I just can't picture myself on a flying train, eating chocolate covered frogs, headed to a non existent magical school. In my opinion, Twilight is obviously better.**

Even though I don't AGREE, this person stated that this is their OPINION and gave solid reasons why. I guess not all Twihards are as bad as we thought.

**8. OMGGG Harry POtter is messed up. Like seriusly, he needs to grow up and stop being so boring cuz edward is like waaaaaaay more AMAZINNNG. therees no love in hary potter and nobodies hot who wants to read a book without hot peeps?**

The twihard intelligence just went down again. Ignoring that they misspelled "seriously" and "there's", Wardo is a pompous, condescending, patronizing, creepy, stalker. And Harry DOES grow up. He's 11 in the first book, and he's 17 in the last! And in the epilogue, he's in his 30's. AND there is love in Harry Potter. Ron and Hermione, Harry and Ginny, Luna and Neville, the list goes on and on. AND here's the hot guy argument AGAIN.

IT'S NOT A SOLID REASON. STOP IT.

(And, as I said before, Draco Malfoy is very hot).

**9. Each book in the twilight series has a different story line. It is mainly about Bella's Lovestory but in the 1st book it was about how Edward had to save Bella and in each book the story changes. The main reason of the book is for Bella To become A vampire. Then after that it is the story with Renesmee. In Harry Potter it takes 7 or 8 books to get to the point. Killing the one who must not be named. it drags on and on and becomes boring.**

You obviously didn't _read _the books because you don't know how many there are, and yes, the MAIN plot is killing Voldemort, but how 'bout book one? It's about Harry's adventures now that he knows he's a wizard. Book two? Opening the chamber of secrets. Book three? Sirious Black. Book four? The Tri-Wizard Tournament. Need I saw more?

**10. Twilight has a more reasonable plot than HarryPotter. Look at Harry and you'll see he's more angsty than Bella. And all the Harry Potter books are like Harry being "My life sucks" and then Voldemort shows up and he's like "I'm going to kill you" and Harry's all like "No way" and then Harry wins in the end. It's way obvious, especially when the author already tells you how many books there's going to be. I mean, why can't we live in total suspense on what's going to happen next? Twilight gives that suspense that something amazing is going to happen that Harry Potter never gave us. Plus, Harry Potter is a wizard and wizards are demonic creatures. Who would want to root for a demon as the good guys? In twilight, everyone's a vampire, and vampires aren't Satan's spawn.**

I'm DYING again. Harry's more angst-y than Bella? Dear lord.

Also, it's not like J.K.R released them all at once. The books were released over the course of a decade. So your argument doesn't work.

Also, there is NO suspense in Twilight. I predicted a vampire-baby immediately after reading the first one. And, whaddaya know, I was right. Plus, who's Buffy the Vampire Slayer after?

Demons and vampires.

You find a wizard slayer, you can come and find me.

**11. In harry potter all they do is fly around on brooms and kill people with magic sticks (wands) I mean, really?**

Well, in Twilight, they don't do _anything._

**12. Edward wasn't a dork. Yeah, sometimes, dorks are cute. However, Harry was a bit too dorky and I can't see why girls even liked him. **

Because he's brave, and nice, and noble, and not a pompous, condescending, patronizing butthead. Quite honestly, I can't see why girls liked _Wardo._

**13. Harry Potter is for virgin nerds. Twilight is for cool and mature people.**

I read it when I was 11. Most of the fan base is teenage girls, whereas Harry Potter had fans of all ages.

**14. Hermione is a week character. Unline Bella, who struggles every day. Hermione has no problems, the only things she has are self-created. She follows Harry into his troubles. Big whoop. Even if she is teased about being a mud blood or whatever its called, she has a choice. She could quit Hogwarts or something. Bella has no choice, she is in love.**

Bella could break up with Wardo. Bella could go back and live with her mom. Bella could refuse to marry him. C'mon, guys, really?

** 15. Twilight was a best selling novel, and has a bigger fan base than Harry Potter.**

Take a look at the archive in the books section.

Harry Potter has roughly 400,000 more stories.

Plus, Harry Potter was a bestselling novel, too. It won a ton of awards, check the back of the books. Plus, the only time you ever really hear about Twilight anymore is right when the movies come out. That's really the only time the books are ever out of the library where I live. HOWEVER, when I was reading Harry Potter from the library (5 years after the last book came out and a year and a half after the last movie), several were missing.

Nice try.

**16. Stephenie Meyer writes that the only thing that can kill a vampire is another vampire or a werewolf. Since Edward is a vampire created by Meyer, we can use her written characteristics and apply them to Harry Potter. Since Harry Potter is neither vampire nor wolf, this means that Harry Potter could not kill Edward and Edward would win.**

For the love of god, _I _could kill Edward!

**17. Twilight led to many other supernatural romances in books and tv shows.**

Um, Twilight wasn't the first to have vampires and humans date.

**18. Unlike Harry, nobody's thoughts are actually that deep or intellectual. I bet if any of us published our thoughts into a book, none would be great English lit; Bella's thoughts are more realistic.**

Because I think the word "omnipresent" all the time. Totally.

**19. at least all of them dosent a scar of a lightning bolt.**

Since you can't even string a coherent sentence together (read the reason out loud), I'll ignore you.

**20. no witchcraft (practicing witchcraft is bad).**

And decapitating people isn't? Edward decapitated Victoria in Eclipse.

**21. At least they talk about reliegon even 4 a short while.**

I read all the books, and I can confidently say, Twilight NEVER spoke of religion.

**22. Twilight goes more in depth with the emotions. You can feel Bella's pain when Edward leaves her. You can feel her confusion between Edward and Jacob. You can feel her love for Renesmee.**

Most of Bella's emotions are faked….

**23. Twilight is a modern-day Romeo and Juliet in its themes of everlasting but forbidden love; to be compared to such a classic is an honor.**

OH MY GOD.

I CAN'T EVEN WITH THIS ONE.

I JUST CAN'T.

**24. We like the time setting of Twilight. It is modern day.**

So is Harry Potter.

**25. Vampires stay with their partners will death. If you mess with their partners, you'll get what's coming. Even after their partner is dead, they will remain loyal to them, till their time comes.**

And this doesn't happen in Harry Potter? Did I miss a novel called "Hermione becomes a prostitute" or something?

**26. We like and appreciate the fact that the vampires and werewolves in Twilight aren't anything like the one's from us before. To us, it's nice to take on the vampire and werewolf concept. **

Sparkling: because spontaneous combustion is _so _passé.

**27. You can read Twilight over and over again.**

…And you can't with Harry Potter?

**28. It is the rare vampire novel that isn't about sex on some level, and the Twilight books are no exception. What makes Meyer's books so distinctive is that they're about the erotics of abstinence. Their tension comes from prolonged, superhuman acts of self-restraint. There's a scene midway through Twilight, in which, for the first time, Edward leans in close and sniffs the aroma of Bella's exposed neck. "Just because I'm resisting the wine doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet," he says. "You have a very floral smell, like lavender...or freesia." He barely touches her, but there's more sex in that one paragraph than in all the snogging in Harry Potter.**

OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA . I'M DYING…okay, I'm good now, let's move on – HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAH.

**29. The characters change throughout the Twilight series as well. they may not be growing up like the Harry Potter Characters did, but they did change. The characters become more brave, stronger, loving, forgiving, etc. Each character changed in the Twilight books. Harry Potter characters changed as well, but they kept some of their bad traits with them.**

Wardo was still a jerk in the last book. Bella was still annoying and whiny in the last book. Alice was still annoying, Jasper was still SCARY (honestly, I find Jasper frightening), Rosalie was still a different person eveyr time she was featured…

**30. IT has a graphic novel.**

IT? The Steven King novel?

**31. has more female fans.**

Correction: has _only _female fans.

**32. Harry Potter was mainly focused on children. We are into the more mature books. That have mature elements in them.**

BELLA ISN'T MATURE. SHE JUMPS OFF A CLIFF BECAUSE HER BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH HER. You know who's more mature than Bella? EVERYONE,

**33. Who wouldn't want two guys fighting over you? :D That just makes a good story. Am I right?**

No.

**34. Bella Swan is a strong character. SHe is brave, caring, forgiving, accepting, and just plain awesome :) She has risked her life many times to save someone she loves, such as Charlie, Renee, Edward, Jacob, The Cullens, Nessie, etc. She went through weeks of pain to save her daughter. SHe was willing to die so her baby could live. She has also formed a huge army and was prepared to fight till the death to protect her child and family. So yes, Bella is a role model. And No, she is not dependent on Edward.**

HAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA. Bella's whiny, obnoxious, self-centered, needy, rude, mean, and just plain HORRIBLE. And Harry SACRIFICED this life in the last book, to save the entire wizarding WORLD.

And, YES, she IS dependent on Edward, and Jacob, too.

**35. Twilight totally had a better, richer, more complex plot line than Harry Potter. **

You make me laugh.

**36. Alice Cullen. She is just awesome! She would probably be considered as the "Luna" in Twilight. Am I right? Alice would be the perfect sister. She would make anyone smile if they had a bad day.**

I have no idea why, but I HATE Alice. And the fact that she's in love with Jasper, who is scary, makes me dislike her more because of how much I dislike HIM.

**37. All four Twilight books made us teary eyed. As for Harry Potter, some parts made us sad and a little teary, but Twilight was the one that really made us teary.**

I didn't get teary eyed reading any of the Twilight books, or any of the Harry Potter books, EXCEPT THE LAST ONE. I finished it on a public bus. Not a good place for that.

**38. The Twilight books were so amazing! We just could not put them down at all! For Harry Potter, some of the books we could not put down, but others made us a bit sleepy.**

*spit takes and laughs*

**39. Daniel Radcliffe is doing pornografic musicals on Broadway and Robert Pattinson is singing and acting in other movies...who exactly got the better end of the deal?**

Um, this has nothing to do with the books, but if you must…

Would you rather be on Broadway, having people pay hundreds of dollars to see you perform every night, or in movies?

**40. Sirius Black can turn into a great, black dog, Peter Pettigrew can turn into a rat, James Potter can turn into a stag, Remus Lupin a werewolf Rita Skeeter can turn into a beetle and Minerva Mcgonagall can turn into a cat. How scary is that? Not at all. A Twilight shapeshifter would OWN them all :)**

Please, I could OWN Jacob.

**41. The HP books are all depressing. Lots of good characters die, which isn't cool. And they're just full of violance, and ridiculous plans.**

James and Victoria die. I liked them.

**42. Stephenie Meyer did her resarch and found a place like Forks so the vampires could be outside. JK just made one up.**

Stephanie Meyer didn't research a THING. She chose the name of a real place and made it completely different from how it actually is.

**43. The sparkles are so unique and creative. They're not stupid.**

HA.

**44. harry potter is too hard for a young child to read.**

I first read it when I was 12, and most of the kids in my classes had already read it before me. If that's not young, I don't know what is.

**45. Twilight is better because the books are written better and the characters bring more to the table for the readers.**

Sure.

**46. It's set in America.**

J.K.R's British. Sue her for making her books set in her own country.

**That's it! I have no idea how this chapter will be received, but I hope you like it! Chapter 7 (Chapter 4 of the book) is on the way!**


	7. Chapter 4, Part 1

**Happy 2013! New chapter! It's dedicated to HPPJOTHG3 (Okay, Pigfarts? LOL, WHAT?), Guest, Woman Aren't Human, TheDreamer006, DemiGoddess2012, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, Bree-WolfGirl, Crossroader32, ineverhadapony, Restin Peece, 11, cammieXzachxx, WhenEverAfterWasMine7, thefabulouskatie, and OhSnapItzLara!**

**Chapter 4 – Invitations**

We left off with Bella dreaming about Wardo.

OH GOD. Here's her dream:

_"In my dream it was very dark, and what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward's skin. I couldn't see his face, just his back as he walked away from me, leaving me in the blackness. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn't catch up to him; no matter how loud I called, he never turned. Troubled, I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep again for what seemed like a very long time. After that, he was in my dreams nearly every night, but always on the periphery, never within reach."_

Are we actually supposed to believe that Bella's subconscious SYMBOLICALLY worked out that Wardo sparkles? How dumb does Meyer think we are? I'm actually kind of offended.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 23**

MEYER HAS ALL THE SUBTLY OF _RALPH HERDMAN._

(That isn't a compliment, by the way.)

I've never had a symbolic dream that predicted the future. One time I had a dream that I had a purple laser gun that could turn people invisible, and then this guy from my math class dumped a bunch of Nickelodeon slime on my head. If that ever happens, not only will it be extremely cool, it means that MY SUBCONSCIOUS CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.

Except it _won't._

So fail.

Dreams are usually surreal and have so many qualities that make them strange, not to mention how out-of-character people tend to get.

You might be wondering why I'm getting so worked up over this, considering this is a fantasy book. But it's supposed to be showing you that there's a secret world hidden inside the very one you and I know. It's supposed to be "real". And it isn't.

Moving on.

And then it's a month later.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 12**

We get a basic rundown of a few events, but basically, it's just Meyer skimming over everything.

Why?

Because Wardo's ignoring Bella.

And if it isn't pure Wardo-Bella fluff, Meyer isn't interested in writing it.

That's awful writing.

I'll summarize the summary of that month:

Tyler, Eric, and Mike are following Bella like sheep. Tyler's "**obsessed with making amends**" because he almost killed her. This causes Bella to "**worry that [she'd] gained another unwelcome fan**". Well, rejoice in the fact that I HATE you.

Bella is upset that everyone else isn't obsessing over Wardo, and she keeps telling them that he's the real hero, but they'd rather talk about how Bella is That Awesome.

I thought Bella told Wardo that she wasn't going to tell anybody?

What I'm noticing is that NO ONE cares about Tyler, who was actually injured and they've known him for years.

Ha, this is funny. Bella says "**no one else was as aware of Edward as [she] always was. No one else watched him the way [she] did. How pitiful.**"

Isn't it funny that I can tell exactly what Meyer was trying to do here? She's saying that Bella is aware of Edward because THEY WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER IN HEAVEN AND ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER AND HAVE A SPECIAL CONNECTION AND CAN'T HELP BUT OBSESS OVER EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY ARE THAT IN LUUUV.

I don't buy it.

Then, "**With chagrin, I realized the probable cause.**"

OOOH, MY VERY FIRST **CHAGRIN!**

Aww, Meyer used it correctly there. Shame. At least I know that she's just getting started!

Bella whines about Wardo ignoring her, and then she has A SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH!

_"He wished he hadn't pulled me from the path of Tyler's van — there was no other conclusion I could come to."_

Um, what?

HE'S MAD BECAUSE YOU SAW HIM DO ALL THESE SUPERNATURAL THINGS AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT. **HOW. DUMB. CAN. YOU. GET?**

Sorry for my spaz attack.

The entire month he ignores her, Bella is trapped in a Deep Pit of Agonizing Despair because the guy she's spoke to twice (and he did little but condescend and patronize her during both of their conversations) is ignoring her. OH THE HORROR.

Why does Meyer consider Bella mature? Enlighten me, Twihards.

At the very least, someone's happy – Mike's pleased as punch that Wardo's ignoring Bella. "**I could see he'd been worried that Edward's daring rescue might have impressed me, and he was relieved that it seemed to have the opposite effect.**" Well, good for him, but he's wrong. Bella's practically falling apart at the seams because Wardo's ignoring her.

After that, we're in March.

Whatever happened to February?

Well, folks, it appears Meyer's rewriting the calendar!

March is only mentioned because Jessica phones Bella because the "**girls' choice spring dance**" is coming up (What? Are they too cool for Sadie Hawkins?) and she wants to "**ask [Bella's] permission to invite Mike**".

WHAT?

_WHAT?_

WHY DOES JESSICA NEED TO ASK BELLA FOR _PERMISSION _TO ASK MIKE TO THE DANCE? BELLA HAS DONE NOTHING BUT IGNORE HIM AND CALL HIM A DOG SINCE HIS FIRST APPEARANCE!

Bella says she isn't going to the dance (due to the LOLCLUMSY) and then this happens:

_"It will be really fun." Her attempt to convince me was halfhearted. I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company."_

I can't even.

_I CAN'T EVEN._

I've flipped out enough in this chapter.

Just…moving on.

The next day, when Jessica isn't "**her usual gushing self**" and won't talk to Bella or Mike, instead of asking what's wrong like a friend would do, Bella's too busy concentrating on Wardo. Then, in Biology, Bella goes crazy obsessive! OH NOES!

"**As always, I was electrically aware of Edward sitting close enough to touch, as distant as if he were merely an invention of my imagination.**"

Mike says that Jessica asked him to the dance, Bella fakes happiness about it, and he says he didn't tell her yes or no and Bella "lets disapproval color [her] tone. What is up with you and faking your emotions? It's driving me mad, and there's no point to it, and just –

**WE ALL HATE HER: 3**

Mike says he wanted Bella to ask him, and Bella _says _she feels guilty about it, but she doesn't show it in any way, shape, or form. She's barley even paying attention to the conversation, and pretty much just answering so Mike'll go away and she can obsess in peace. Anyway, Bella plays Cupid and convinces Mike to ask Jessica to the dance for no reason. There's no reason to it because A.) It doesn't serve the plot, B.) It involves characters that we know little to nothing about, and C.) YOU COULD REMOVE IT AND LOSE NOTHING.

Mike wants to know if Bella's already asked someone to the dance. "**Did Edward notice how Mike's eyes flickered in his direction?**" No, he didn't, because he's too busy imagining murdering Mike in his head. I've read _Midnight Sun_, Meyer, you can't one-up me.

Oh, and why would Bella ask Wardo? What gives Mike this impression? THEY'VE SPOKEN TWICE.

And it gets _dumber._

Bella says she's not attending the dance at all, and when Mike asks why, instead of simply telling him that she doesn't want to go, she makes up this bogus excuse that she's going to Seattle. "**I needed to get out of town anyway — it was suddenly the perfect time to go.**" Okay, sure. But do you really find it necessary to go _four hours _out of town? Don't you find that a little excessive? And since it's four hours both ways, she'll be spending eight hours on the road. Not to mention how expensive gas is, and the fact that she'll be in a truck she's just beginning to familiarize herself with, and the fact that she won't have a cell phone, _and _the fact that she's never been to Seattle before?

I could go on forever.

Then Bella tells Mike it's rude to make Jessica wait – because, you know, Bella's got _great _manners – and tells him to scram. He mopes back to his seat, obviously sinking into The Deepest Depths of Torturous Rejection because The Sue won't accompany him to a dance. Bella "**closed [her] eyes and pressed [her] fingers to [her] temples**". Why? Did having a conversation with someone who isn't OMGZHAWT give you a headache? Bella insists she's "**trying to push the guilt and sympathy out of [her] head**", but it doesn't seem like it. What, did Meyer hear my cry for showing, not telling? Well, you've succeeded in showing, not telling for once, Meyer. BUT what you're showing doesn't match what you're telling!

And then it's back to the same old song and dance – Wardo's staring at Bella.

Of course, this is Wardo, so it is not called "gawking" or something. It's staring "**with probing intensity**".

This is interrupted by the teacher calling on Wardo. He immediately shows off by not even looking at the teacher when he answers, and I actually think we're supposed to impressed. But, um, no. Wardo can read minds, remember? That's like being proud of yourself because you passed a test with all the answers in front of you.

Bella hides behind her hair, and YET AGAIN, pays no attention in class, opting to obsess over Wardo. "**I couldn't allow him to have this level of influence over me. It was pathetic. More than pathetic, it was unhealthy.**"

Well, she got _something_ right, at least.

ANNND our favorite old theme of insulting herself is back!

YAY FOR SELF-LOATHING.

But seriously, Bella manages to hate herself while simultaneously thinking she's flawless. It's astounding.

Class ends about a second later, and then it occurs to me there's ANOTHER running theme here. We never hear about any of the classes, save Biology, unless it's convenient. Remember back when Bella said she took Spanish, Trig, and Government? Why don't we ever hear about these classes?

That reminds me of a certain "author"!

**TWILIGHT= My Immortal: 18**

Bella's gathering up her stuff at the speed of a snail and then – pause for dramatic effect – WARDO SAYS BELLA'S NAME! "**I turned slowly, unwillingly. I didn't want to feel what I knew I ****_would_**** feel when I looked at his too-perfect face.**"

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****5**

The conversation that follows is just…just…I'll let you see it for yourself:

_"What? Are you speaking to me again?" I finally asked, an unintentional note of petulance in my voice._

His lips twitched, fighting a smile. "No, not really," he admitted.

I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly through my nose, aware that I was gritting my teeth. He waited.

"Then what do you want, Edward?" I asked, keeping my eyes closed; it was easier to talk to him coherently that way.

"I'm sorry." He sounded sincere. "I'm being very rude, I know. But it's better this way, really."

I opened my eyes. His face was very serious.

"I don't know what you mean," I said, my voice guarded.

"It's better if we're not friends," he explained. "Trust me."

My eyes narrowed. I'd heard _that__ before._

"It's too bad you didn't figure that out earlier," I hissed through my teeth. "You could have saved yourself all this regret."

"Regret?" The word, and my tone, obviously caught him off guard. "Regret for what?"

"For not just letting that stupid van squish me."

He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.

When he finally spoke, he almost sounded mad. "You think I regret saving your life?"

"I _know__ you do," I snapped._

"You don't know anything." He was definitely mad.

1.) How has Wardo managed to avoid Bella for this long? They are lab partners. Biology tends to have quite a few labs, and almost all of them are shared.

2.) "Talking again"? You haven't talked _at all! _

3.) So you _know _you're rude, Edward, but you do absolutely nothing about it!

4.) Speaking of Edward, is he even living on the same planet as the readers? I mean, what does Meyer want us to do, play a twisted game of "Where's Wardo?" You and Bella have never BEEN friends, and furthermore, show no interest in BEING friends.

5.) If you DON'T want to be her friend, _why_ are you talking to her?

I will say, though, I love that Wardo says Bella doesn't know anything. Mostly because it's beyond accurate.

Wardo and Bella continue to b*tch at each other, and Wardo looks at Bella with his "**eyes narrowed**" when she does appropriately thank him for picking up her books. Jesus.

Anyway, Bella drags her feet to gym, which is "**brutal**" (oh, cry me a river), and Bella spends the entire basketball game falling down and taking everything and everyone within a five-foot radius down with her. This is no longer LOLCLUMSY – this is a BLANTANT disregard for your own surroundings. I mean, COME ON.

Horrifying, Brutal Gym of Torture™ is over in 3 sentences.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 13**

Bella goes running off to her truck to avoid everyone. Hey, you know why you don't relate to anyone? BECAUSE YOU AVOID THEM.

Throw Away Character #1/Eric is leaning against her truck because he apparently cannot tell when somebody DOES. NOT. LIKE. HIM and once Bella accesses that he isn't Wardo, she completely brushes him off.

**WE ALL HATE HER: 4**

Then – OH GOD.

ERIC ASKS BELLA TO ASK HIM TO THE DANCE.

Apparently, there's a line to ask Bella to the dance, because HE IS THE SECOND BOY TO ASK HER TO THE DANCE IN _ONE CHAPTER. _

Anyway, Bella's inner monologue is just about what a pimply, dorky, loser he is and then she's falsely polite and feeds him the infamous "going out of town" story and he wanders away again.

GOTTA LOVE THE POINTLESSNESS.

Enter Wardo, stage right. He's literally dying of laughter because of her situation. That's real nice, Meyer. Edward's the PERFECT GENTLEMEN. OF COURSE.

Bella jumps into her truck and tries to get out of the parking lot, but Wardo goes and DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS and ends up in his car with and in front of her before she can even move. And then he pulls the ultimate jerk move and just sits there. He literally just sits there, blocking EVERYBODY trying to get out, supposedly waiting for his family.

I seriously hate Wardo.

Bella mentions that she "**considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo**".

Whatever sinks your ship, Meyer.

Honestly, right now I'm considering rounding up a bunch of My Little Ponies and having them trample Wardo to death so we don't have to endure the rest of the book.

Bella tells Tyler (who has appeared out of nowhere) that she's sorry but it's all Wardo's fault - "**obviously the holdup wasn't [her] fault**". I don't care if she's right, I STILL HATE HER. Why must you word everything to make Bella seem like the biggest b*tch to ever watch the planet, Meyer?

AND THEN TYLER BECOME **_THE THIRD. FLIPPING. BOY. _**TO ASK BELLA TO ASK HIM TO THE DANCE.

**JUST OH. MY. GOD.**

We are no longer living in reality (not that we ever were). We have officially entered Meyer's sick fantasy world.

Bella doesn't bother being polite this time, just saying she's going out of town and actually blaming MIKE AND ERIC for "**[using] up [her] quota of patience for the day**".

Meyer? Did you forget that _Wardo_ was supposed to be the one who's been making Bella mad this whole time?

Tyler says he already knew that, but he **was hoping [she was] just letting [Mike] down easy**". Normally, I'd be mad at Tyler. But he's _right. _So why Bella gets all offended by this assumption, I have no idea.

_"I looked forward to see Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper all sliding into the Volvo. In his rearview mirror, Edward's eyes were on me. He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he'd heard every word Tyler had said. My foot itched toward the gas pedal… one little bump wouldn't hurt any of them, just that glossy silver paint job. I revved the engine._

But they were all in, and Edward was speeding away. I drove home slowly, carefully, muttering to myself the whole way."

Okay. It's official.

**I HATE. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. YOU.**

When I first decided to read Twilight, I was told the usual – Edward sparkles and it's dumb, it's horrible writing, it has no plot, the characters have no personality. It appears I've been lied to. Bella and Wardo _do _have personalities.

THEY'RE JACKASSES.

And THAT'S that.


	8. Chapter 4, Part 2

**Hello, my lovely readers! Here's to 8 chapters gone undetected (or, even better, ignored!) by obsessive Twilight fans who will flame me so bad it'll be like they're attempting to give me a sunburn through the screen!**

**(Did I ever tell you about my secret wish to go up against a Twihard? I'm not proud of it.)**

**Anyway, the dedications: LovesToWriteForever, Lee Kyle, XxRunningWithScissorsxX, Woman Aren't Human, cammieXzachxx, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, DemiGoddess2012, HPPJOTHG3, It'sme33, ineverhadapony, TheDreamer006, thefabulouskatie, Mermaid Mania, Crossroader32, and OhSnapItzLara!**

So, we left off with my (appropriately) calling our leading ladies (and yes, I do mean ladies, because _I'm _more of a man than Wardo. And I'm a girl) jackasses. I will now elaborate.

Bella Swan is a jackass, because, as I mentioned before, she is supposed to be our heroine, our relatable character, the character we root for. And SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.

Which sometimes works – take _Phantom of the Opera. _The Phantom is literally crazy, and yet, every person I went to see the show with (and I went with my grade – we're talking roughly 180 people or so) wanted him to get Christine and be happy.

However, Meyer is no Gaston Leroux, and there is no totally awesome Andrew Lloyd Webber music to make Bella's egotistical insanity a likable trait.

And lest us forget Wardo, the teen heartthrob, who is as pleasant as Heinz E-Z Squeeze ketchup. (It was purple ketchup that resembled puke. It's discontinued now). He's a very long list of adjectives - pompous, condescending, obnoxious, smug, rude, sadistic, insufferable, pretentious, snobby, arrogant, ostentatious, and boorish a few good ones. But he's OMGZHAWT, and in Bella's eyes (and therefore Meyer's eyes as well), that excuses everything, including being Barf Ketchup.

And if I can barely stand them four chapters in, who knows how much I'll hate them when I get to the end.

I'm revising one of my counts:

**WE ALL HATE ****_THEM: _****5**

Moving on.

Bella gets home and starts making some enchiladas purely to drive up the word count, and then the book abruptly switches to present tense when the phone rings. Are you saying that the entire book up to this point has been a flashback, or is this just bad editing?

I'm guessing it's door 2, but I'll give Meyer the benefit of the doubt.

So, anyway, the phone rang, and Bell said she "**was almost afraid to answer it**". Honey, this isn't _When a Stranger Calls. _Calm down.

I think we were _supposed _to know why Bella was afraid to answer it, but she hasn't had enough (or any, really) characterization for me to figure out why she's doing what she's doing. Explain.

Anyway, it's Jessica on the phone, and – OMGZ – Mike accepted her invite to the dance.

_"I celebrated with her briefly while I stirred. She had to go, she wanted to call Angela and Lauren to tell them. I suggested — with casual innocence — that maybe Angela, the shy girl who had Biology with me, could ask Eric. And Lauren, a standoffish girl who had always ignored me at the lunch table, could ask Tyler; I'd heard he was still available. Jess thought that was a great idea. Now that she was sure of Mike, she actually sounded sincere when she said she wished I would go to the dance. I gave her my Seattle excuse."_

1.) Who the hell is Lauren? Has she been mentioned before? I don't think so. This is a literal repeat of the "Phil" episode – and I'm still not sure who he is, anyway.

2.) Lauren appears to be the only one with common sense. _I_ would ignore you.

3.) WHY is unacceptable for ANYONE to be single in this book?

I'm sorry for springing another quote on you so fast, but this is unbelievable:

_After I hung up, I tried to concentrate on dinner — dicing the chicken especially; I didn't want to take another trip to the emergency room. But my head was spinning, trying to analyze every word Edward had spoken today. What did he mean, it was better if we weren't friends?_

My stomach twisted as I realized what he must have meant. He must see how absorbed I was by him; he must not want to lead me on… so we couldn't even be friends… because he wasn't interested in me at all.

Of course he wasn't interested in me, I thought angrily, my eyes stinging — a delayed reaction to the onions. I wasn't _interesting__. And he was. Interesting… and brilliant… and mysterious… and perfect… and beautiful… and possibly able to lift full-sized vans with one hand._

Well, that was fine. I could leave him alone. I _would__ leave him alone. I would get through my self-imposed sentence here in purgatory, and then hopefully some school in the Southwest, or possibly Hawaii, would offer me a scholarship._

I focused my thoughts on sunny beaches and palm trees as I finished the enchiladas and put them in the oven.

Well, first things first:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 24**

That count is dangerously high already. I bet you anything we hit 100.

**Adjective Overkill: 3**

This one kind of went into retirement for a while, BUT NOW IT'S BACK! *Zing*

(And, before anyone calls me a hypocrite for my long list of adjectives I used to describe Wardo, that was me explaining why I dislike him. I'm not sure what the one up there is doing, but I disagree.)

And now, the beloved list:

1.) THE LOLCLUMSY. Just…Just…STAHP.

2.) Um, Bella? I wouldn't want to be your friend. Not because of the horrible person you are (see above), but because you're creepy. You practically stalk Wardo. You obsess over him. You analyze his every word. Your life revolves around him. However, since Wardo's doing pretty much the same thing to you, I'm wondering why you two _aren't _friends by now.

3.) Is that what Meyer thinks crushes are like?

That's disturbing.

4.) Are you planning on _earning_ your scholarship, Bella? By the looks of it, you seem to think that they'll just hand it to you.

God, I hate this book.

Charlie gets home, and they eat their entire meal in half a second.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 13**

Bella tells Charlie that's she's going to Seattle the weekend of the dance, and adds in "if that's okay" as an afterthought. "**I didn't want to ask permission — it set a bad precedent — but I felt rude, so I tacked it on at the end.**"

HE'S YOUR FATHER. CHILDREN – and yes, as "mature" as you think you are, you are still a child – ASK THEIR PARENTS PERMISSION WHEN THEY WANT TO TAKE FOUR HOUR TRIPS OUT OF TOWN. ALONE. WITHOUT A CELL PHONE. IN A CAR YOU JUST GOT. TO A TOWN YOU'VE _NEVER BEEN TO._

I digress.

Charlie is surprised, "**as if he were unable to imagine something Forks couldn't offer**". Um, maybe he's a little shocked that you want to take a trip involving two ferries that will translate to eight hours there and back. Bella insists she wants to buy some clothes and books, even though Port Angeles, which has books and clothes, is much closer. Once again, EXCESSIVE (or poor research on Meyer's part). Charlie says that's it's going to cost her a lot of money for gas, and Bella tells him all the places she's planning to stop for gas –Olympia, Montesano, and Tacoma.

THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

Now Bella's taking an even _longer _route, driving _around _the lakes I thought she was going to be taking the ferry across. Now the four hour trip is more like 5 hours, which translates to TEN hours altogether. Plus, the cost for gas is going to be about $100, and adding in the money for clothes, books, and food, this trip is going to cost somewhere in the $200 - $300 range.

And this is day trip for _one person._

What makes me mad is that Meyer obviously researched the names of the towns around Forks – BUT DIDN'T RESEACH HOW FAR AWAY THEY WERE.

She really should've just made up her own place.

When Charlie says that's she a dumb idiot and that the trip is not a smart idea (only in a nicer way), Bella rudely tells him "**Phoenix is five times the size of Seattle**".

Actually, Meyer's right.

**PHOENIX:** 516.7 sq miles (1,338 km)

**SEATTLE:** 142.5 sq miles (369.2 km)

SHE ACTUALLY DID SOME RESEARCH! PRAISE THE LORD!

Charlie offers to come with her because he apparently also has no idea how far away Seattle is, but Bella is filled with "**horror**" at the thought. God. Does Meyer have daddy issues or something? Bella insists she's going to "**be in dressing rooms all day**", which completely ignores the part where she said she wanted books.

No continuity?

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 19**

Charlie immediately says "fine" at that, and only wants to know if she'll **"be back in time for the dance". **Bella's inner monologue? "**Grrr. Only in a town this small would a ****_father_**** know when the high school dances were.**"

_DID YOU ACTUALLY JUST WRITE "GRR"? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WILL THIS CHAPTER OF STUPID, IDIOTIC, FILLER __**EVER **__END?_

*headesks repeatedly*

Bella insists that she doesn't dance (this reeks of _High School Musical_) and then says "**didn't get [her] balance problems from [her] mother**".

_Charlie _isn't the one falling over everything and hitting people with basketballs ("by accident"). _Charlie _isn't accidentally gunning people down on the job. _Charlie _isn't whining about HIS LOLCLUMSY.

Don't blame your own idiocy on your father.

I think of it as literary karma.

Actually, I think Bella's LOLCLUMSY is a cry for ATTENTION. She's been throwing herself onto the ground so people will notice her.

(Deny it all you want, Twihards – but New Moon backs me up here SO WELL. Gotta love it.)

AND THEN, IT WAS MORNING.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 14**

What the hell? There wasn't even a TRANSITION!

Bella drops her keys in the parking lot *cough cough* ATTENTION SEEKER *cough cough*, and Wardo somehow DASHES MAJESTICALLY ACROSS THE PARKING LOT IN TWO SECONDS to pick them up for her.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 25**

Once again, YOU. ARE. NOT. BLENDING. IN.

Bella yells at him for spontaneously turning into The Flash, and Wardo snippily replies "**Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.**"

However, it _is _your fault if you keep playing Superman in public. Stop.

Bella demands to know why he held up everyone in the parking lot "**last night**". 3 PM is night in this book? What? Anyway, Wardo tells her that he did it solely to watch her reject Tyler.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 6**

There is literally nothing likeable Edward. There really isn't.

Bella is randomly furious, and then this abomination happens:

_"And I'm not pretending you don't exist," he continued._

"So you _are__ trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler's van didn't do the job?"_

Anger flashed in his tawny eyes. His lips pressed into a hard line, all signs of humor gone.

"Bella, you are utterly absurd," he said, his low voice cold.

My palms tingled — I wanted so badly to hit something. I was surprised at myself. I was usually a nonviolent person. I turned my back and started to walk away.

"Wait," he called. I kept walking, sloshing angrily through the rain. But he was next to me, easily keeping pace.

"I'm sorry, that was rude," he said as we walked. I ignored him. "I'm not saying it isn't true," he continued, "but it was rude to say it, anyway."

"Why won't you leave me alone?" I grumbled.

"I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me," he chuckled. He seemed to have recovered his good humor.

Does Wardo have Multiple Personality Disorder? Why do thousands of women think he's a knight in shining armor? Why does Meyer think he's better than her own husband? Why is Meyer married, anyway?

WHY.

WHY.

**WHY.**

And then, via on really long, dumb conversation where Wardo basically calls Bella stupid and a huge idiot, he asks if he can drive her to Seattle.

WHAT. THE. HELL.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?

Bella, instead of telling him they barely know each other, or that he's a butthead, she wants to know why he wants to do that. Wardo suddenly becomes a Car Enthusiast Extraordinaire and says that her truck is terrible and will obviously need a lot of gas, and that "**the wasting of finite resources is everyone's business**".

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 7**

Go to hell, Edward.

I don't understand why Meyer's always comparing Wardo to characters like Romeo or Mr. Darcy, like they're simply different sides of the same coin. I could compare _Sesame Street _to _Les Miserables_, but that doesn't make them similar.

Anyway, the brainless gas conversation is followed by Bella saying yesterday Wardo said they shouldn't be friends, but now says they should, and THIS HORRIFYING SENTENCE IS THROWN AT THE HELPLESS AUDIENCE:

_"Oh, thanks, now that's __all__ cleared up." Heavy sarcasm._

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOUR AUDIENCE IS SO STUPID THAT THEY NEED YOU TO TELL YOU THAT BELLA IS BEING SARCASTIC, MEYER?

You can go to hell, too.

Bella says she "**realized [she] had stopped walking again**". See? You aren't LOLCLUMSY, you're just ridiculously unaware of your surroundings.

Bella throws some more trash about Wardo's face at us, Wardo spouts some more symbolic crap, and then this conversation happens:

_"It would be more… __prudent__ for you not to be my friend," he explained. "But I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."_

His eyes were gloriously intense as he uttered that last sentence, his voice smoldering. I couldn't remember how to breathe.

"Will you go with me to Seattle?" he asked, still intense.

I couldn't speak yet, so I just nodded.

He smiled briefly, and then his face became serious.

"You really _should__ stay away from me," he warned. "I'll see you in class."_

He turned abruptly and walked back the way we'd come.

AND IT ENDS. RIGHT. THERE.

Just one thing –

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****9**

I bumped it up by 5 because Wardo just dazzled you into going 4 hours out of town with him, and you barely know him, and he's creepy as hell.

I hope he murders you and throws your body in a dumpster.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 7**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****9**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 25**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 19**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 14**

**Adjective Overkill: 3**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 1**


	9. Chapter 5, part 1

**Hello, my wonderful friends! Today's chapter is dedicated to skittlesgirl99, HPPJOTHG3, DemiGoddess2012, TheAmaryllisBlossom, ineverhadapony, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, It'sme33, cammieXzachxx, ObSsEvIvE bOoKwOrM, and OhSnapItzLara!**

**Chapter 5 - Blood Type**

The chapter starts with Bella being late to English.

The filler continues, I see…

Anyway, Bella's late to English, the teacher isn't happy with her, she sits down, and class ends.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 15**

No, she was not _that _late.

(Meyer, Bella doesn't have a time machine or a tardis, and Warp Zone islands like in the Mario games don't exist. Stop it.)

Mike and Eric spend the entire class ignoring Bella (hats off to them), but then meet her by the door anyway. Since they do, Bella figures **"[she] wasn't totally unforgiven."**

If the entire chapter follows this example, I'm throwing the book out the window.

So anyway, Mike apparently loses the cold shoulder act in about 5 seconds (You really suck, Mike.) and tells Bella there's supposed to be a **"minor break" **from the rain. Mike's happy about this, because then maybe this beach trip he wanted to do (IN MARCH. IN WASHINGTON. Who would go to the _beach _at that time of year in a place like that?) would be possible. **"I tried to sound eager, to make up for disappointing him yesterday."**

Why are all Bella's emotions faked? What the hell?

The weather's supposed to be in the high forties, which sounds glorious to me, since according to Meyer, Forks is a land of rain ALL THE TIME. Of course, for Bella, this break is not good enough.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 8**

**"The rest of the morning passed in a blur." = **Wardo's not in any of Bella's morning classes, so Meyer's not writing about it. Bella moons over Wardo's eyes some more (as if we haven't had enough of already) and then she is suddenly scared to enter the cafeteria. This is so discombobulated it isn't even funny. Then, when Wardo's not at the usual table with the other Sullens - er, _Cullens_, Bella's disappointed, even though she just said she was scared to face him.

What are you, pregnant? What is _up _with the mood swings?

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 20**

The My Immortal flashbacks I'm getting aren't pretty, guys. Next thing we know, Headache Dumbledore or Shakespeare Voldie are going to make an appearance.

Jessica's talking to Bella while they're in the lunch line (she calls it **"babbling". **You really are a charmer, Bella), but Bella completely ignores her because she is **"crushed."**

Bella buys nothing but lemonade and it literally says she's going to spend the rest of lunch sulking and ignoring everyone. No, really – **"I just wanted to go sit down and sulk."**

But, all is saved, because (unfortunately for us), Wardo has decided to grace us with his presence. He's sitting alone, and once he realizes Bella's looking at him, Meyer uses 15 words to tell us he beckoned her: **"He raised one hand and motioned with his index finger for me to join him."**

Count 'em. FIFTEEN.

WHEN. WILL. WE. EVER. GET. TO. THE. _POINT?_

So Bella grabs her lemonade and wanders over.

_When I reached his table, I stood behind the chair across from him, unsure._

"Why don't you sit with me today?" he asked, smiling.

I sat down automatically, watching him with caution. He was still smiling. It was hard to believe that someone so beautiful could be real. I was afraid that he might disappear in a sudden puff of smoke, and I would wake up.

He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

1.) We didn't need the random stuff about how OMGZHAWT Wardo is. We get it.

2.) I have some options for what you could say: "No, you're a jerk," or "I'd rather not, you aren't nice," or, my favorite, "Back off, you jackass."

3.) She's not going to any of that and I can already tell.

Bella's magnificent response? **"This is different."**

Can we just kill her, already?

Wardo says something about how he's going to hell anyway, so who cares, he'll do what he wants.

Good, go to hell, Wardo. You'll have plenty of company with every other book character like you. I'll chill up here with the enjoyable ones._  
_

There's some unbelievably boring dialogue where Wardo's like "Your friends are now incapable of enjoying lunch because you, the Sue, are not there," and Bella replies by saying **"They'll survive."**

And then one of the most atrocious exchanges to date happens:

_"I may not give you back, though," he said with a wicked glint in his eyes. I gulped._

He laughed. "You look worried."

"No," I said, but, ridiculously, my voice broke. "Surprised, actually… what brought all this on?"

"I told you — I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up." He was still smiling, but his ocher eyes were serious.

"Giving up?" I repeated in confusion.

"Yes — giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may." His smile faded as he explained, and a hard edge crept into his voice.

Meyer, I know you think you're OHSOSYMBOLIC, but for lord's sake, STAHP.

Bella says she's confused, and then, OH GOD:

**"The breathtaking crooked smile reappeared." **

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOOOM: 2**

We all knew this day was coming.

There's some more dialogue that makes me want to stick Meyer's head into a freezer about how they shouldn't be friends but Edward _wants _to friends and yada yada yada.

They come to this conclusion after literally more than half a page of this nonsense:

_He grinned. "Well, we can try, I suppose. But I'm warning you now that I'm not a good friend for you." Behind his smile, the warning was real._

_"You say that a lot," I noted, trying to ignore the sudden trembling in my stomach and keep my voice even._

_"Yes, because you're not listening to me. I'm still waiting for you to believe it. If you're smart, you'll avoid me."_

_"I think you've made your opinion on the subject of my intellect clear, too." My eyes narrowed._

_He smiled apologetically._

_"So, as long as I'm being… not smart, we'll try to be friends?" I struggled to sum up the confusing exchange._

_"That sounds about right."_

Let's just go kill them both, agreed?

I mean, it's this same crap EVERY TIME THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER. It's always this:

**Wardo: **We shouldn't be friends.

**Bella: **Kay.

**Wardo: **Now I want to be friends.

**Bella: **Kay.

CAN WE GET TO THE POINT ALREADY?

Then there's that goddamn stupid conversation about Bella's theories. Wardo wants to know what her theories are, but Bella won't tell him. **"I had been vacillating during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker. There was no way I was going to own up to that."**

1.) Remember the Twihard from the Harry Potter list who said that Bella's thoughts are realistic? Well, the next time they actually use the word "vacillating" while thinking, they can come find me.

2.) Bruce Wayne didn't have superpowers. He was a millionaire with a lot of cool gadgets. Wouldn't Clark Kent be a more obvious choice here?

3.) I can just tell this conversation is somehow going to lead into Wardo being all "But what if I'm the villain and not the hero?" or whatever. And I'm not happy about it.

Bella refuses to tell him her theories, and he tell her it's really frustrating, so Bella gets all snippy:

_"No," I disagreed quickly, my eyes narrowing, "I can't __imagine__why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean… now, why would that be frustrating?"_

_He grimaced._

_"Or better," I continued, the pent-up annoyance flowing freely now, "say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things — from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a pariah the next, and he never explained any of that, either, even after he promised. That, also, would be __very __non-frustrating."_

_"You've got a bit of a temper, don't you?"_

_"I don't like double standards."_

I really hate you, Bella.

(And, really? **"Non-frustrating"**?)

And then we jump completely off that subject.

"_Your boyfriend seems to think I'm being unpleasant to you – he's debating whether or not to come break up our fight." He snickered again._

_"I don't know what you're talking about," I said frostily. "But you're probably wrong, anyway."_

Oh, Wardo. You're _always _unpleasant.

Then we're back to Bella's theories. The jumps from topic to topic don't even make sense.

Bella insists she won't, but Wardo promptly dazzles her: **"He looked down, then glanced up at me through his long black lashes, ocher eyes scorching. "Please?" breathed, leaning closer to me."**

AND BELLA'S MIND GOES _ENTIRELY BLANK._

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****10**

Bella's crappy theory is that he was bitten by a radioactive spider. Wardo is upset that she's not more creative.

She doesn't have a personality. What did you expect?

(**My theory:** Wardo and the Cullens are all secretly sheep who are angry at humans for shaving their wool off and are now getting revenge.)

And then the scene that we all knew was coming:

_"What if I'm not a superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?" He smiled playfully, but his eyes were impenetrable._

_"Oh," I said, as several things he'd hinted fell suddenly into place. "I see."_

_"Do you?" His face was abruptly severe, as if he were afraid that he'd accidentally said too much._

_"You're dangerous?" I guessed, my pulse quickening as I intuitively realized the truth of my own words. He __was __dangerous. He'd been trying to tell me that all along._

_He just looked at me, eyes full of some emotion I couldn't comprehend._

_"But not bad," I whispered, shaking my head. "No, I don't believe that you're bad."_

_"You're wrong." His voice was almost inaudible. He looked down, stealing my bottle lid and then spinning it on its side between his fingers. I stared at him, wondering why I didn't feel afraid. He meant what he was saying — that was obvious. But I just felt anxious, on edge… and, more than anything else, fascinated. The same way I always felt when I was near him._

Just…just kill me.

Let's do in the counts first.

For the stupid superhero/villain thing I predicted:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 26**

For Wardo thinking he's dangerous (even though he's about as dangerous as a milkshake):

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 27**

For Bella being nervous/scared/intrigued even though HE ISN'T INTERESTING:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 28**

And because I hate these characters so much:

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 8**

I mean, this book is so predictable it isn't even funny. It's pathetic.

They apparently didn't realize that lunch ended and are now alone in the cafeteria. Wardo says he's going to blow off class (because he thinks ditching is **"healthy"**), and Bella actually considers going with him, but then decides to head to class anyway.

She barely makes it to biology, but somehow beats Mr. Banner, who walks in with some small boxes. Max starts passing them out, and Mr. Banner says to take **"one piece from each box**", not bothering to explain what the pieces _are. _Then he says to wait until he gets over to you and correctly uses the water dropper, picks up Mike's finger, and stabs him with the lancet. Then he starts squeezing Mike's blood all over the applicator card. He holds up the "**dripping red card**" for all to see. It is only after he finishes with Mike does he announce that they're doing blood typing.

1.) I actually had to Google it to see if they even still did that lab. No one I know has ever had to. Apparently, they do. Sorry, can't fault Meyer there.

2.) It is even _legal _to just, without warning, jam a needle into a kid's finger? If it is, it's certainly inappropriate. Why is the teacher such a moron?

3.) However, I can fault her on the fact that HE DIDN'T TELL THEM THIS WAS COMING. You'd think he'd send home permission slips or at least tell them beforehand that they were going to be doing blood typing! You usually don't just spring that kind of lab on people

4.) There should be a way that you can refuse to do the blood typing lab, because there's a reason why they don't do it much anymore. It involves 2 of the most commonly feared things: blood and needles. Once when I was in health class, we were going to be talking a lot about blood. My teacher excused anyone who was squeamish, and that was just for TALKING about it. You'd think he'd excuse people who get sick if they're WORKING with it.

5.) YOU CAN'T FORCE THEM TO DO IT.

6.) Why on earth Mr. Banner is so concerned about the water dropper, but allows the students to stab themselves with the lancet? Shouldn't _he _prick their finger so they don't totally screw it up?

7.) Actually, if he squirted out enough of Mike's blood for the card to be _dripping_, then he wouldn't have pricked Mike's finger – he would've practically sliced it open. Maybe he shouldn't be pricking the students' fingers for them.

8.) Why are they even DOING a blood typing lab? It has NOTHING to do with cell mitosis, which is what they were studying.

9.) How did Wardo know this was coming? Do they do it on the same day every year or something? He obviously ditched because he doesn't have blood.

Bella collapses on the table, only to perk right up when Mr. Banner comes over.

A lot of people don't understand why I find this scene as creepy as I do. Wanna know why?

THIS:

**_Q:_**_Edward once said that there was a list of people who like Bella more than she thinks and she'd be surprised who's on it. Who are those people on the list?_

_**A:**__ Most of the boys at school, of course you know about Mike and Tyler and that, and uhm, the one that is on the list that she would be surprised about was the one that was kind of inappropriate, and that was the biology teacher Mr. Banner. Very bad._

Meyer actually said that, basically, Mr. Banner is a pedophile.

I hate this book so much.


	10. Beyond Twilight: More Twihard Stupidity

**It's officially happened. The Twihards have found me. I would like to make something clear: I do not think all Twihards are stupid. Some of the most brilliant people I know are Twihards. I'm not talking about the ones who it is their favorite book and maybe they go signings. We all have our obsessions, and it's okay. If you like Twilight, that's your opinion, and I respect it. HOWEVER, the Twihards ****_I'm _****talking about are the ones who have tried to kill people because they said they don't like it (and yes, this has happened), insult others' taste for not liking Twilight, or how about the ones who chased Robert Pattinson out of a bookstore and he almost got hit by a taxi?**

**_Those_**** Twihards.**

**(And if you're still offended, it's simple – don't read this.)**

**And now, the dedications. And yes, this chapter is even dedicated to the angry Twihards: skittlesgirl99, TheAmaryllisBlossom, Crossroader32, OhSnapItzLara, ObSeSsIvE bOoKwOrM, ineverhadapony, cammieXzachxx, Twihard1234, Bookworm (I ****_know _****people like Twilight. Everyone knows that), and OnceInABlueMoon (If it annoys you, why on earth did you click on this story? Did you think I was going to be complimenting Meyer?)**

**Is it too soon for another Twihard Stupidity? Because I found another: 50 Edward Cullen Characteristics Every Guy Should Have. This one's all over the web…get out your popcorn, folks.**

**Beyond Twilight: Twihard Stupidity 2**

Ok. so I found this as a group on facebook and totally agree... I mean who wouldn't want a guy, or *vampire* like Edawrd? So here's the list.

**EDAWRD: Wardo's derpy cousin. **

**And ****_I _****wouldn't want a guy like Wardo. Most people wouldn't. Lesbians wouldn't. Nor heterosexual men. Oh, and most homosexual men, too.**

**Basically anyone who doesn't like dating pompous idiots.**

1. Be inhumanly attractive  
**Ignoring how shallow this one is, I would rather date one of my own species, wouldn't you?**

2. Drive 200 km/h  
**Isn't that illegal?**

3. Save you from death  
**"Darling? I'm about to go walk in the middle of a highway during rush hour. It's a test to see if you really love me."**

4. Have an amazing body  
**Is the girl matching all this? If any guy said this, he'd be called a pig, yes?**

5. Be incredibly wealthy  
**Woooow. Way to show how much you care about the person inside.**

6. Be too much of a gentlemen  
**But Wardo ISN'T A GENTLEMAN. HE'S A JACKASS. WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.**

7. Have an elegant way of walking  
**Date a ballerina, then.**

8. Be inhumanly strong  
**Once again, I'm pretty sure dating outside of your own kind is frowned upon.**

9. Crooked smile  
**Ah, yes. The Crooked Smile of Doooooooom. We've met.**

10. Have an extended an sophisticated vocabulary  
**He also has to be able to correctly spell "and".**

11. Be really smart  
***cackles* Wardo! Smart! Ha!**

12. Good taste in music  
**I have to agree to a point. If a guy listens to Justin Bieber, then I have no interest in him. Sorry.**

13. Smell extraordinarily nice  
**…Edward smells nice?**

14. Suddenly appear out of nowhere and kiss you passionatley  
***Passionately. Once again – the guy also has to be able to correctly spell things.**

15. To tell you that you ARE beautiful, not that you look beautiful  
**FIRST: I'd rather be told so many things before beautiful. Smart, or vivacious, or funny, or bubbly. Those are things I actually think I am to a degree.**

**Also, who on earth is this person to talk? Are we forgetting about the "inhumanly beautiful" and "amazing body" things? **

16. To be able to enter your room without anyone noticing  
**…So he can mug you? I don't get this one. Please explain.**

17. To be willing to sacrifice his life for yours  
**If he is, I better be willing to do the same. **

18. Have eyes only for you, even if he is surrounded by attractive girls  
**This one is just dumb. As long as he's loyal, he can look at whoever he wants, and I expect him to let me do the same. If we're both committed to each other, it doesn't matter.**

19. To be ale to read minds except for yours  
**OH, COME ON.**

20. Quote Romeo ( Shakespear )

**What if he doesn't like Romeo and Juliet? And I'll be honest – I've never read it. I wouldn't understand that he was quoting Romeo at all. And since this genius is unable to correctly spell "Shakespeare" correctly, I'm doubting she would, either.**

21. Stand in front of you in a protective way when you arein danger  
**Um, okay? Why do I want ****_him _****getting hurt?**

22. Give you his jacket when you are cold  
**No. He shouldn't have to freeze because I forgot my jacket like an idiot.**

23. To stay young, gorgeous and sexy forever  
**Let's ignore the fact that this is superficial and impossible. Let's pretend it's possible. I'd rather, when I'm a old lady, that he be an old man, too. I would look like his grandmother, for lord's sake!**

24. Have morals  
**Wardo decapitated someone, guys.**

**He ****_obviously_**** has morals.**

25. Love you for what you are inside, not for how you look  
***cackles harder than last time* Look at reasons 1, 4, 7, 8, 9, and 23. **

26. Be charming  
**I do have to admit, I would like it if he was charming.**

**(But this is a list of Wardo's traits.**

**Wardo isn't charming.)**

27. Be jealous of your guys friends ( Jacob, Mike, etc... )  
**Why on earth would I want my boyfriend to be jealous of my guy friends? People actually find that attractive?**

28. Sparkle in the sunlight  
**How much body glitter do you want him to wear?! My gosh!**

29. Write you a song  
**I like to write. I'd like it better if he wrote me a story, if he's going to be writing anything – which shouldn't be a requirement. **

30. Wait for the ideal girl to come along  
**Everyone waits for their ideal person to come along. What kind of a reason is this?**

31. Be a virgin  
**This is important how?**

32. Whisper nice things in your ear  
**"Why are you always whispering?! We're alone, for Christ's sake!"**

33. Be able to make you beautiful and immortal  
**Are you implying that I'm ugly?**

**Are you implying everybody's ugly?**

34. Tell you that the outside world hols no interest for him without you  
**I'd be a bit creeped out if he had no interests outside of me. That's not healthy.**

35. Be comprehensive  
**Do you even know what that means?**

36. Have a nice family  
**Nobody can choose their family. This shouldn't be a factor – you aren't dating his family.**

**(Oh, and you consider a family member who tries to kill you when you get a paper cut ****_nice_****?**

37. Play the piano  
**…But I like the violin better. **

38. Kiss you in the middle of a fight  
**WHY? WE'RE ****_ARGUING._**

39. Always pay everything  
***stabs arm with pen repeatedly***

40. Hug you behind your back  
**That sounds like he's doing it without you knowing about it, like talking behind your back or something.**

41. Have been pretty much single since 1901  
**Um, I'd rather have a guy who's from my generation, thank you.**

42. Hold your face while he kisses you  
**What the hell? **

43. Doesn't sleep at night, stays by your side taking care of you  
**I'm ****_sleeping_****! He doesn't need to monitor!**

44. Speaks no lies  
**Yes, because Wardo ****_never _****lies. EVAR. **

45. Have a good taste in clothes  
***rolls eyes***

46. Have beautiful and expressive eyes  
**I don't want to have to start a count because of your shallowness. **

47. Own amazing cars  
**What does this have to do with ****_anything?_**

48. Be able to carry you with no effort  
**I was blessed with working legs, he doesn't need to carry me.**

49. Tell you that you are the closest to heaven that he will ever get  
**Because apparently, he's going to hell, from what this implies.**

50. Be willing to spend eternity by your side  
**PEOPLE DON'T LIVE FOREVER.**  
Don't don't lie and say that's not what you all want! Oh, my favorites are 9, 28, 38, 43, 49. Omg, so romantic! 333

**Ugggh.**

Bella and Edward FOREVER!

(**These are textbook examples of the Twihards I'm talking about, guys.**)

Until next time!


	11. Chapter 5, Part 2

**Sorry for the wait, but I'm here now to insult Twilight once more! This chapter is dedicated to the lovely LiquidGoldRose, lil lulu jackson, Sikanda, Akari-Chan'96, Guest, bobblestheninja (um…no…you can't choose your own genetics), OwlStar of RiverClan, Just Veia, XxRunningWithScissorsxX, skittlesgirl99, Phoenix NightStar, another guest, Marie, OmenProphecy, DemiGoddess, TheChesireGrellSutcliff, HPPJOTHG3, ineverhadapony, leiagreenleafsnape, ObSsEsIvE bOoKwOrM, yet another guest, It'sme33, loveinfinity, WolfieGal96, QuickerThanAF'ingMongoose7, Lady Firewing, another guest, i. spy. a. thief. xo, and Crossroader32!**

**(You guys are FAR too nice to me.)**

Okay, where were we? Creepy Mr. Banner and his pedophile ways?

Yeah, let's get off that subject.

Bella is half-dead on the table when Mr. Banner arrives and after they have an awkward conversation about Bella already knowing her blood type, Mr. Banner asks if anyone can take her to the nurse.

That's a little weird.

I mean, they're juniors in high school. The last time I saw a teacher ask anyone to bring anyone else to the nurse's office was back when I was in the third grade.

OF COURSE, Mike volunteers, because that wasn't completely obvious.

Have any of you ever seen the 1963 film _Bye Bye Birdie? _Remember the song where all the kids tie up the phone line, and there are random interjections with a boy named Harvey Johnson desperately trying to get a date for Saturday night, and even though every girl he calls either doesn't pick up or rejects him, he won't give up?

Mike Newton = Modern Day Harvey Johnson.

Mr. Banner wants to know if Bella can walk (why wouldn't she be able to?) and Bella thinks that she would crawl to escape this room full of horrifying blood. Mike, however, is totally **"eager" **because he gets to put his arm around Bella's shoulders. Excitement.

(Are we just not going to talk about how, a month earlier, she was in the hospital in the next bed over from Tyler, who was covered in blood? She was not the least bit repulsed there, just annoyed.)

They hobble away outside, just far enough from the biology building and Bella insists she needs to lay down…on the sidewalk.

(_THE FILLER THE FILLER STAHP_)

Then because he had a break of about 700 words not mentioning Edward and that's far too long for Meyer, here he comes Bella immediately starts flailing around on the sidewalk because OH GOD WHAT IF SHE'S NOT PRESENTABLE FOR THROWING UP IN FRONT OF HIM.

Wardo asks how she is, firstly seeming worried, but when she groans at him to go away, he laughs at her.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 9**

(True love, huh, Meyer?)

Mike tells Wardo that he was taking her to the nurse when she started feeling really sick and couldn't really move around or she'd throw up. He actually seems genuinely concerned about her. Tell me again, Meyer, _why_ is Mike always painted as the bad guy?

Wardo tells Mike to piss off and proceeds to **"scoop" **Bella up off the sidewalk, "**as easily as if [she] weighed ten pounds instead of a hundred and ten**".

Dude, you're supposed to be about to hurl. This is no time to brag about how slim and lithe you are.

(Oh, and slipping in crap about your appearance?

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 21**)

Bella insists that Wardo put her down, he doesn't listen because that's what he does, Mike yells ta Wardo to put her down because that's what she wants, Wardo doesn't listen because, as I stated before, THAT'S JUST WHAT HE DOES.

Wardo also tells Bella she looks like crap:

"_You look awful," he told me, grinning._

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 10**

I have a feeling that count is going to get dangerously high.

Bella tries to get him to put her down again. Shocker, he doesn't. Wardo is reminding me of a puppy who hasn't been trained yet and will do whatever the hell he wants.

(Enjoy the mental image of Wardo peeing on your couch.)

Bella feels the need to tell us that he was "**supporting all of [her] weight with just his arms — it didn't seem to bother him**".

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 29**

He couldn't be SUPER STRONG, could he?

Edward is just having so much fun with the idea that Bella isn't feeling well:

"_So you faint at the sight of blood?" he asked. This seemed to entertain him._

_I didn't answer. I closed my eyes again and fought the nausea with all my strength, clawing my lips together._

"_And not even your own blood," he continued, enjoying himself._

It'd be ironic if he was a vampire, huh?

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 30**

Wardo thinks this whole situation is a barrel of monkeys, apparently.

They somehow end up in the office, even though there's no way Wardo would be able to open the door because he's carrying Bella (Even Bella doesn't know how: "**I don't know how he opened the door while carrying [her]."**)

Mrs. Cope flips out upon learning that Bella **"fainted" **even though she just out sick to her stomach, and it becomes clear that Mrs. Cope is another person who thinks Bella is the best thing since sliced bread and Wardo is OMGZHAWT. However, the thing that is getting described the most is the fact that Wardo is holding Bella, which means one of 3 things:

A.) Wardo is immensely enjoying parading around whilst carrying Bella because he gets to show off how strong he is and how weak Bella is,

B.) Bella is immensely enjoying being paraded around by Wardo because this male dependant theme that is emerging is going to be a huge deal,

Or C.) Meyer is immensely enjoying the thought of being paraded around in some guy's arms and is living vicariously through Bella.

The nurse is "**astonished**" for some reason, even though she's a school nurse and people get sea sick all the time at school. Wardo flops Bella onto one of the cots and goes into the corner on the other side of the room to stare at her. "**His eyes were bright, excited.**"

(This is not romance, Meyer. This is just creepy.)

Bella's sickness is now passing. Wasn't it gut-wrenching a moment ago? The nurse asks if this happens frequently, and when Bella says "**sometimes**", Wardo gets a kick out of it and starts laughing at her again.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 11**

Wardo becomes a bigger jackass than already was:

_"You can go back to class now," she told him._

"I'm supposed to stay with her." He said this with such assured authority that — even though she pursed her lips — the nurse didn't argue it further.

"I'll go get you some ice for your forehead, dear," she said to me, and then bustled out of the room.

"You were right," I moaned, letting my eyes close.

"I usually am — but about what in particular this time?"

"Ditching_is__healthy." I practiced breathing evenly._

1.) Why the hell is the nurse listening to Wardo? He does not have authority. If Wardo spoke to me the way he does to other people, I wouldn't be intimidated by his nonexistent **"authority".**

2.) Wardo, please. You are not as good a liar as you think you are. This is not primary school, you are not supposed to stay with her, and you know damn well know it. Plus, most kids would stay crap like that to get out of class, and the nurses know it. Everyone who can read this book has attended a school, Meyer; you're not fooling anybody.

3.) Here's a fun experiment you can try at home. Take any Stephanie Meyer book, open to any page, and look for a dash. There will be at least 2.

4.) How can Wardo just ditch? There are only about 300 people attending his school; I'm pretty sure they'd notice he was there before and now he's not, especially if the Cullens are the center of attention the way Meyer says they are. Plus, a lot of teachers call the office if they know someone came to school that day and now they're not there to see if they went home. If they didn't, the school tries to find them in case of an emergency. They'd track Wardo down, especially if he was staying on school property, which he obviously was, because how else would he have seen Bella lying on the sidewalk, anyway?

Wardo muses about how Bella "**scared**" him when he saw her on the sidewalk, and "**his tone made it sound like he was confessing a humiliating weakness**". Oh the horror, he expressed an emotion other than mildly amused. Better break out the hobo bindle, his family's certainly not gonna want him after _that._ He also mentions that he thought she was dead and assumed Mike was going to bury her body out in the woods. That actually would've been funny, but I've read _Midnight Sun. _He's being dead serious.

Bella's nausea has returned. Apparently it comes and goes. Meanwhile, Wardo continues to be giant jerks:

_"Poor Mike. I'll bet he's mad."_

"He absolutely loathes me," Edward said cheerfully.

"You can't know that," I argued, but then I wondered suddenly if he could.

"I saw his face — I could tell."

Poor, poor Mike. Deprived of Bella's presence.

Oh, and I'm not gonna let that foreshadowing go:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 31**

Meyer? We all know Wardo can read minds at this point. There's no reason to foreshadow it.

Then Bella asks the million dollar question: how the hell he'd even seen her if he was supposedly ditching.

Edward says he was in his car, listening to music. So…he was just sitting in the parking lot for the whole period? How did no one catch him before Bella and Mike came along?

(Told you he was still on school property.)

For some strange reason, this "**normal response**" blows Bella's mind, which immediately makes me wonder what exactly she thought he was doing.

The nurse finally returns with an ice pack, but Bella throws it back at her when Mrs. Cope arrives with another sick student. This time, it's Lee Stephens, who I would feel bad for but have no idea who the hell he is. Edward orders Bell out of the office, and Bella immediately listens, quickly "**darting" **out of the nurse's office. Meanwhile, Edward is "**stunned**" that she "**actually listened to [him]**". Wardo just gets creepier every passing sentence.

Then we get the most horrifying paragraph to date:

_"I smelled the blood," I said, wrinkling my nose. Lee wasn't sick from watching other people, like me._

"People can't smell blood," he contradicted.

"Well, I can — that's what makes me sick. It smells like rust… and salt."

He was staring at me with an unfathomable expression.

"What?" I asked.

"It's nothing."

It's official. I'm a vampire. I can make my hands blur and I can smell blood.

_DOES MEYER ACTUALLY THINK THAT PEOPLE "CAN'T" SMELL BLOOD? WHAT, DOES IT NOT HAVE A SCENT? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE DESCRIBED BLOOD AS SMELLING LIKE METAL OR LIKE RUST? _

_**HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK **__**WE ARE?**_

Alright, I'm calmed down now.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 32**

First, you are not the only person who gets sick at the smell of blood. Second, you were sick way before the teacher even stabbed Mike with the lancet.

THE SCENT OF A FEW DROPS _ACROSS THE ROOM_ WOULDN'T HAVE MADE YOU SICK, ANYWAY!

Mike pops up again, shooting Wardo an Epic Glare of Fiery Death and looking all "**glum**" at Bella. He can apparently execute both these looks simultaneously. After a few moments where Mike tells Bella she looks better in an accusatory tone, he asks if she's coming to the beach this weekend. When she confirms she is, "**[trying] to sound as friendly as possible**", he tells her where they'll be meeting. "**His eyes flickered to Edward again, wondering if he was giving out too much information. His body language made it clear that it wasn't an open invitation.**"

Then Mike slumps away from that pointless conversation. "**A swell of sympathy washed over me.**" THIS you're sympathetic about? You didn't just grab Edward and start getting it on with him in front of Mike. Calm down.

Then the reason Bella's trying to get out of class becomes clear: up next is the horrifying gym class. Please, we do not need another round of LOLCLUMSY. We've gotten enough filler already. This explains why she was able to sprint out of the office, dancing around two people without even breaking stride, all while she was supposed to be sick and LOLCLUMSY; it's so she can skip class.

Bella immediately starts wailing obnoxiously loud about gym in the hope of attention, and Wardo tells her to go sit down and "**look pale**". Bella reminds us that she will be able to do this with flying colors because she "**was always pale**". Yes, we know you are beautifully pale and not one of those tanned b*tches that made fun of Meyer in school.

Wardo saunters over to Mrs. Cope and makes me want to rip this book apart completely, which I'll probably do when I finally finish this commentary:

_I heard Edward speaking softly at the counter.___

_"Ms. Cope?"___

_"Yes?" I hadn't heard her return to her desk.___

_"Bella has Gym next hour, and I don't think she feels well enough. Actually, I was thinking I should take her home now. Do you think you could excuse her from class?" His voice was like melting honey. I could imagine how much more overwhelming his eyes would be.___

_"Do you need to be excused, too, Edward?" Ms. Cope fluttered. Why couldn't I do that?___

_"No, I have Mrs. Goff, she won't mind."___

_"Okay, it's all taken care of. You feel better, Bella," she called to me. I nodded weakly, hamming it up just a bit._

WELL, FIRST OFF:

_**Do I Dazzle You?: **_**11**

Really, Meyer? Dazzling a middle-aged woman?

Here's all the things that went wrong in that paragraph (also known as "How to Throw logic Out the Window in Under 200 Words):

1.) You need a note from your parent or guardian to skip class.

2.) You need the teacher's approval to skip class. Just because Wardo says his teacher doesn't mind doesn't mean it's true. He's already thrown out enough blatant lies in this chapter, Meyer. Quit while you're ahead.

3.) Secretaries have heard every excuse in a book. I once got told off by a secretary for using the office's phone so I could call my mom to ask for permission to go to my friend's house after school when I was in sixth grade. Does Meyer really think the secretary would just let Wardo ditch?

4.) Either Bella's father would be called to come get her or she would just sit out in gym. Wardo would not be allowed to drive her home.

5.) Mrs. Cope just saw Bella energetically salsa out of the office and leap around two people, but when it's time for her to attend a class we all know she hates, she's suddenly sick. No one's gonna buy it.

6.) It's actually illegal for Mrs. Cope to let them jet off like that.

Do you know what would happen if a high-schooler really tried to pull off this stunt? Mrs. Cope probably would've given Edward detention and sent him back to class, and given a Bella a note to sit out in gym. Under no circumstances would that ridiculous scenario above play out.

And speaking of unrealistic scenarios –

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 22**

The pair head outside and, for some reason, Bella suddenly likes the rain. You've only complained about it multiple times in every chapter. Bella thanks Wardo for getting her out of gym, which she apparently could not do herself. Dude, people ham up injuries to get out of gym all the time. Once, when we were playing a game called Mat Ball that my friend hated, she accidentally slipped on a mat. She wasn't really hurt, but she pretended she was and got to sit out the rest of class.

Moral? Ham up your own injuries, Bella. You certainly exaggerate well enough to do so.

I'm sorry for all the block quoting in this chapter, but this is just stupid:

_"So are you going? This Saturday, I mean?" I was hoping he would, though it seemed unlikely. I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world. But just hoping that he might gave me the first twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt for the outing.___

_"Where are you all going, exactly?" He was still looking ahead, expressionless.___

_"Down to La Push, to First Beach." I studied his face, trying to read it. His eyes seemed to narrow infinitesimally.___

_He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye, smiling wryly. "I really don't think I was invited."___

_I sighed. "I just invited you."___

_"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap." His eyes danced; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.___

_"Mike-schmike." I muttered, preoccupied by the way he'd said "you and I." I liked it more than__I__should._

Firstly, you can't invite whoever you want to Mike's party. He made it very clear Wardo wasn't invited, so you can't invite him yourself, Bella. Second, a few pages ago, you were feeling so guilty about being mean to Mike. Now you're just walking all over his feelings.

I really hate to drop another big quote on you so soon, but you have to see this:

_We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck. Something caught my jacket, yanking me back._

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

I was confused. "I'm going home."

"Didn't you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?" His voice was still indignant.

"What condition? And what about my truck?" I complained.

"I'll have Alice drop it off after school." He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did.

"Let go!" I insisted. He ignored me. I staggered along sideways across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo. Then he finally freed me — I stumbled against the passenger door.

"You are so_pushy__!" I grumbled._

"It's open," was all he responded. He got in the driver's side.

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!" I stood by the car, fuming. It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my hair was dripping down my back.

He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat. "Get in, Bella."

I didn't answer. I was mentally calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me. I had to admit, they weren't good.

"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.

I tried to maintain what dignity I could as I got into his car. I wasn't very successful — I looked like a half-drowned cat and my boots squeaked.

"This is completely unnecessary," I said stiffly.

Did you catch it?

First Wardo drags her across the parking lot, practically throws her down onto the pavement, orders her to get in the car, and then threatens to _chase her down and drag her back _if she tries to run? Meaning she actually _wanted_ to run from him?

_**HOW THE HELL IS THIS ROMANTIC? **_

Before Bella can give him the silent treatment or some crap for being **"pushy"** (nice way to describe it), she hears his CD player playing. It's Clair de Lune" by Debussy. Both of them are stunned that the other knows the song. Oh, you know, it's only a very popular and well-know classical song.

Bella mentions that the car is going really fast, but because Volvos are magical, she doesn't even feel the speed. Wardo is equally random and asks about Bella's mother. "**She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier… I have too much Charlie in me. She's more outgoing than I am, and braver. She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend.**"

I learned some about your mother, but the one I really learned about was YOU.

YOU ARE A _LIAR._

You are awful to your mother! You constantly patronize and belittle her behind her back! You never even think of her unless someone else brings her up! SHE IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND!

(This is also supposed to demonstrate how humble and modest Bella is. Not buying it for a nanosecond.)

Also, I'm sure Charlie appreciates being called ugly.

Wardo asks how old Bella is, "**his voice sounded frustrated for some reason**". It's not because he can't read her mind, is it?

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 33**

Before Bella can answer him, we're at her house, which means Wardo drove through a wormhole or something.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 16**

Also, the light misting of rain at the school has changed to complete downpour in this time. What kind of weather is this?

Bella finally replies that she's seventeen. Wardo claims she "**doesn't seem seventeen**". I feel you. She seems about six years old. Bella laughs and says "**My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle-aged every year.**"

No, Bella.

Bella mentions that Wardo doesn't "**seem much like a junior in high school**" either, to which Wardo changes the subject.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 34**

BLENDING IN: Wardo's doing it wrong.

Then he asks why Renee marries Phil. She married Phil? That's who he is? This is news to me.

Bella says "**the attraction was a mystery to [her]**".

They ramble and I'm about to fall asleep when Wardo asks if Bella approves of her mother's relationship. Bella shrugs and says it doesn't really matter to her. Wardo asks "**Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who your choice was?**"

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 35**

Stop trying to set up the forbidden love angle, Meyer.

Bella says Renee would, Wardo insists she wouldn't if he was scary despite that he has not met Bella's mother, they argue about what's scary and what isn't, Wardo asks Bella if she thinks _he's _scary, she says he could be, and Bella hints that she's scared of him right now.

WILL THIS POINTLESS CHAPTER OF NOTHING BUT FILLER AND ILL LOGIC _EVER END?!_

(And anyway, why is Wardo so obsessed with the idea of Bella being scared of him? It reads like he WANTS her to be scared of him. Wtf, Meyer.)

Bella asks about Wardo's family, and immediately goes completely silent. That's not suspicious at all. She asks what happened to his biological parents, and he says "**They died many years ago.**" You've been alive for, what, 104 years and never bothered to come up with a decent cover story? Really, Wardo?

Bella says she's sorry for his loss, he's like "Whateves, I don't care," and says "**Carlisle and Esme have been [his] parents for a long time now**".

Didn't Meyer say in the first chapter that they were adopted when they were teenagers and only Jasper and Rosalie have been with them since they were kids?

Continuity: Don't expect it from Meyer.

Bella asks about his siblings, and all we hear about them is that they're waiting at school and he's the driver.

Are you telling me this conversation has lasted an hour? Does the time space continuum not apply in Forks? I know Wardo drove home through Warp Ten, but does he own a Tardis or something? How does this even work?

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 17**

They banter needlessly, because, you know, THIS CHAPTER HASN'T GONE ON LONG ENOUGH, when Wardo reveals that he's not going to the beach that weekend or even going to be in school tomorrow. He's going hiking with Emmett, starting tomorrow. Why he didn't inform her of this originally apparently isn't important, because Bella's too busy wallowing in a Deep Pit of Dark Despair.

Then Edward DAZZLES HER out of nowhere.

_**Do I Dazzle You?: **_**12**

Bella nods "**helplessly**" and Wardo asks her not to "**t****ry not to fall into the ocean or get run over**". Bella stomps into her house, Wardo chuckles at her, and the chapter ends.

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE CHAPTER?

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 17**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 35**

_**Do I Dazzle You?: **_**12**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 22**

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 11**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOOOOOOM: 2**

**Adjective Overkill: 3**


	12. Beyond Twilight: My Life is Twilight

**I apologize for doing another Twihard Stupidity so soon, but the fabulous HPPJOTHG3 told me about a website called "My Life is Twilight" and I just had to see it. It's similar to F My Life and makes me sad for this entire world. I present to you my favorite entries.**

**(This chapter is dedicated to OhSnapItzLara, Just Veia, oBsEsSiVe bOoKwOrM, bobblestgeninja, and of course HPPJOTHG3.)**

_Today I finished reading Breaking Dawn... I started reading it this morning at 9. I've read the book literally 12 times, not overexagerating, but I know find myself not wanting to date anyone and when i do date someone i break up with them because something doesn't feel right.. he's no Edward.. MLIT_

1.) Please, child. Spend your time reading real books.

2.) He doesn't stalk you and isn't a ginormous asshole? Sounds fine to me. The only book character asshole I like is Draco Malfoy. And he's like that on purpose.

3.) Please note that if you keep this up you're going to end up on Twilight Moms, and forever alone.

_Today I realized that whenever I think of a girl name for a story or etc. I first think of Bella. Haha MLIT. :*) That's my sparkly face_

1.) Protip: Don't write anything. Ever.

2.) Kindly cease with the sparkly face. (This has been a PSA)

_Today, We got a new laptop. Its pale and white, I named it Edward. MLIT_

1.) YOU NAMED YOUR LAPTOP?

2.) Yes, if it's white, it's pale. You sound like Egogy from My Immortal, informing us that it's raining so there's no sun.

_Today I realised my dad's name is Jacob, and he has a tatoo of a werewolf. I'm epicly sad that my mother's name isn't Renesmee. ): MLIT_

1.) Are you okay? Like, in the head?

2.) RENESMEE IS. NOT. A. NAME. It didn't even exist when your mother was born, it shouldn't exist now, I digress.

3.) Word of Advice: Learn how to spell "tattoo".

4.) Be happy your dad isn't a pedophile.

_Today, there was a big thunderstorm in my town. I told my children that the thunder was vampires playing baseball. MLIT._

YOU HAVE CHILDREN?

God help them.

_Today, I made my mom sign a three page contract. On the first page it stated what I wanted. I wanted to go see Breaking Dawn the opening day. The second page said why I wanted it. The third page said what would happen to her if she broke this aggrement. Lets just say, i'm watching the movie. MLIT_

1.) You are a terrible person; it sounds like you walk all over your mother. Did you learn that from Bella?

2.) Your mother is a pushover. If I ever threatened my parents, I wouldn't get to see a movie. I'd be grounded until next year. And have my ipod taken away.

_Today I was sitting in class and my thumb started bleeding. I got scared in case it attracted the vampires. MLIT_

1.) *headdesks so hard the desk shakes*

2.) Once again, are you okay? Like, are you sure?

_Today, i was walking into class when there was a new guy. His name is Edward! My name starts with a b, but its Beth not Bella. MLIT!_

1.) NO WAY. HE HAS A COMMON NAME, AND SO DO YOU! HE MUST BE THE ONE! *squee*

2.) Lord help the poor guy you're taking about.

_Today, I realized, my name starts with a B! Just like BELLA! And my boyfriend Eric's name starts with E like Edward! It was meant to be... MLIT!_

1.) And people ask why I hate my generation...

2.) Please give me Eric's phone number so I can inform him that he has no idea what he's walking into here.

_Today, I was re-reading Twilight, and as I read I realized that in 7th grade I had the same schedule as Bella her first day at Forks High School. 1. English, 2. Social Studies, 3. Math, 4. Elective, 5. Science, 6. Gym. ! :) MLIT_

1.) How the hell did you even figure out Bella's schedule? It's so warped and messed up.

2.) This means Bella had the intelligence of a 7th grader in 11th grade. I am not surprised.

_Today, while in Biology we got a new student i instantly introduced myself and said "Hi Im Carly is you're name Edward?" He replied with "No, and just cause im new doesnt mean im a vampire ;)" I think im in love._

1.) How exactly did he manage to speak ";)"?

2.) I'm pretty sure he thinks you're stupid as hell. I sure do.

3.) I wish I could've seen the look on his face.

_My life is literally TWILIGHT! My name is Bella Callen (1 letter away!) and sadly instead of having a dreamy boyfriend, I have a twin brother named Edward. He is a track star at our school. If you think that this isnt weird enough we are both SUPER FANS and we are always quoting it._

1.) Have an inbred baby.

2.) I get the quoting things you love, my brother and I are always quoting things to each other. So, no, you are not a special snowflake for doing this.

_Today this Blonde haired mean girl came up to me and started saying how twilight is stupid and instead of punching her in the face, I just said "Well it doesnt matter, cause Edward cullen prefers brunets anyway." Then smiled and walked off. -MLIT_

1.) You would actually consider punching her in the face over a difference in opinion? You could say Harry Potter was terrible, and all of you I adore Harry Potter, to my face and I wouldn't punch you or get mad! What the hell is wrong with you?

2.) Twilight IS stupid. I'm a brunette.

COME AT ME, BRO.

_Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I grabbed his manly p**** in my hands and screamed, as he bit my neck. I felt the vibrations running through my body and truly believed I was becoming a vampire. He then said "Never leave me, Bella". MLIT_

1.) It's times like this I think we need a new plague.

2.) Best wishes to you and your imaginary boyfriend. Kudos.

_Whenever I'm about to cross the street and it either has the red hand or the white person I think of Bella's dream in Twilight. The red hand is Jacob (cuz of his russet skin) saying, "No, Bella don't go into the woods." While the white hand is Edward saying, "Come, follow me Bella." MLIT!_

I have no words to describe you. Just...no.

_Today I was in 5th hour when my friend got a papercut. I immediately told her "Where's Jasper!?" like seven people turned to look at me and a few twihards snickered. Made my whole day :). MLIT._

You left out the several people banging their heads violently into their desks.

_Today, I created a religion called EDWARDCULLENISM. I will now begin to convert everyone from Christianity, Muslim, Hinduism, Judism, Buddhism, Satanism, and Paganism to EDWARDCULLENISM. New world order has arrived. (sarcmark) MLIT_

1.) I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ON THIS PLANET ANYMORE.

2.) Are you going to go door to door and hand out pamphlets? Prepare for me to slam the door in your face, open it again, and slam it again for emphasis.

EMPHASIS!

_Today in my Intro to Human Disease class the Prof. showed a death toll chart of the past 100 years. In the 1920's there was a large spike in the chart labled 'Influenza Epidemic.' I turned to my friend and said "That's when Edward died." She replied, "No that's when Edward was born." -MLIT_

1.) No, that's when Edward - IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE HE'S NOT FLIPPING _REAL._

2.) Once in Bio we had to make powerpoints on different bacterial diseases and viruses. A girl in my class did the Spanish Influenza, and for "notable victims" she had Edward Cullen, and, I quote, "lots of other people". I wanted to stab myself in the eye with my pencil.

_Well, today someone carved Team Jacob into the plastic on my binder. i did something a little drastic, I tore off the cover of my bider, Burned it when i got the next day i wrote TEAM EDWARD in Sharpie on the back of her north face! i felt kinda bad later, But she'll never doit again!_

1.) ARE YOU EFFING INSANE?!

2.) It's times like this that, even if I can't stand some of the people at my school, I'm thankful I haven't had the displeasure of meeting anyone like YOU.

_I have a tattoo of the New Moon book cover on my left shoulder and I'm going to get the Eclipse book cover tattooed on my right should in two days. MLIT!_

When you're feeling stupid, remind yourself that at least you're not as stupid as this person.

_Today I made out with my large sybarian husky because he reminded me of Jacob. MLIT_

ARE YOU _SICK_? DO YOU NEED _HELP_?

_Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT_

1.) It sounds like these girls are dating the sweetest guys ever. I mean, really?

2.) He can do better.

_Today I had twin boys and named one Edward and the other Jacob. MLIT_

While there's nothing wrong with those names, I'm still dumbfounded that some of these people have children.

_Today, me and my BFF Jessica went to see a movie. i looked for motorcycles guys to give me a ride so i could see Edward's face like Bella did. (: MLIT._

1.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

2.) You know what? Do it. Let's just let the stupid self-eradicate.

_Today, I was half naked and getting dressed when my Edward cutout (which I bought on one of my frequent trips to Forks) fell on top of me. Instead of pushing it off, I exclaimed, "Oh Edward! Not this early!" Then my mother walked in and took him out of my room saying, "its for my own good." MLIT_

1.) You sicken me.

2.) Parent of the Year: This Chick's Mom

_On May 1st i went to Columbus Ohio. Me and my mom and aunt and people we met went to a mall. and we see lifesize Edward and jacob cutouts. of course i got and Edward one. Now i am for sure taking Edward to prom. CANT WAIT! MLIT. = ]_

...I'll just let this one speak for itself.

_Today, posters for our prom were put out around my school. The theme? Roses at Twilight. My high school is having a Twilight themed prom. MLIT_

Are you unaware that twilight is a time of day?

_Today I realized that since I started reading the Twilight books, every time my husband and I argue or he says something mean to me, all I can think of is "Edward would never say that/ treat me like that." MLIT_

1.) WHY ARE YOU MARRIED THEN?

2.) You're right - Wardo would just laugh condescendingly at you.

_I had a dream I was having sex with Edward, then the alarm clock went off and when I rolled over I seen my boyfriend next to me and I frowned. Then he looked at me and asked "Why are you stairing at me?" I replied "your not edward" then he jumped up and said "Edward? Who's Edward?" -MLIT_

For those of you who worry about being forever alone: these chicks have boyfriends and husbands, and considering they seem pretty damn stupid, I find that quite reassuring.

_My friend gave me a perfume for my birthday. and it said "TWILIGHT" on it. I started screaming up and down, thinking she bought me the actual trademark perfume, but then I noticed the smaller print "By Sarah Jessica Parker." I stopped screaming and said "Oh." I really hurt her feelings. MLIT._

These Twihards needs to stop taking a page from Bella's book. They're all being mean.

_Today in history class, my teacher was saying how next year we'll be learning more about the early-mid 1900s. She asked if we knew anything important that happened then and my BFF leans over and says "I'm pretty sure that's when, like, every Cullen died." I love my friends._

1.) You're not going to learn about the Cullens. Too bad, so sad.

2.) Hmm...how about both World Wars? Or when the Wright Brothers took their first flight? Not important, huh?

_Today me and a friend were walking in a WalMart parking lot and a car was heading towards us and I was the only one who saw. Instead of saying something I first had the thought "Just see if Edward saves her" Sadly the car stopped before I could see. I'm such a good friend. MLIT._

Please tell me this one's trolling. PLEASE.

_Today I made Pizza with my roommate. While I put cheese on the dough, she turned around and said to me: "Edible Art, Bella?!" ... I just got to smile!_

I don't even understand this one.

_i happily fill my friends facebook news feeds with twilight quotes..including the book, page number and person speaking (without even using the book)...mostly against their will...even though i've been told to "get a damn twitter"...i am hopeful that sum of that stuff is sinking in :) MLIT!_

1.) Learn about homophones, then come back when you've learned which form of "some" is appropriate.

2.) And people ask me why I only use tumblr...

3.) You're not gonna have friends for long. Please, read books, not Meyer's wet dreams regurgitated onto paper.

_Today after i got a fight with my guy friend who really hate Twilight Saga, I told him " You dont belong to my world. This is the last time you ever see me ". MLIT_

Twilight: Losing people friends since 2005.

_Today I went to Boarders and moved all the Twilight books in front of other books so people searching for books would only find Twilight! MLIT!_

I now know why they closed Borders! No one could find any books worth reading!

_Today I got into a fist fight with my best friend because she said Remus Lupin was a better wearwolf than Jacob Black. She gave me a black eye and broke my finger and I gave me a fat lip... I think we know who won! MLIT._

1.) Both of you need a damn time out if you act that why over fictional characters.

2.) You gave yourself a fat lip?

3.) It sounds like she won...

4.) Lupin puts Jacob and all his "werewolf" friends to shame.

_Today I gave a report in History on why Twilight is the best book ever. My teacher pulled me aside after and told me I had failed because I didn't do anything that we required. I don't really care, because I got to talk about Twilight for my whole presentation. MLIT!_

*screams for twenty interrupted minutes*

_Today, my friend told me she was doing a project on the spanish influenza. I immediately yelled Edward! She said that there was a picture of him on her powerpoint! Can't wait to see her presentation. MLIT_

1.) Is that the girl in my bio class who did that? Or are there more idiots who do things like that out there?

2.) What about all the men, women, and children who actually died horrible deaths because of this?

**Sometimes I just hate the world.**


	13. Chapter 6, Part 1

**Hello! CHAPTER SIX, Y'ALL. FINALLY. I think they actually DO things in this chapter. It's dedicated to i. spy. a. thief. xo, HPPJOTHG3, thefabulouskatie, GoldenArrow1997, FireEnchantress, joeyjoecharchar, InvaderKiwi, chokapikchoco, Mahou Shoujo Grell, The-blackfirewolf, Guest (I went to that girl's blog…Dear lord), Kitten the Ghost, OmenProphecy, Crossroader32, Infinitemaze, OhSnapItzLara, and ObSeSsIvE bOoKwOrM! I feel like a special hailstone. **

**ONWARD!**

Chapter Six – Scary Stories

The chapter opens with Bella sitting in her room reading _Macbeth – _I think it's for school, but I really can't figure out if Bella enjoys the classics or what – but, evidently, she isn't actually reading and is listening for her truck, which Alice is supposed to bring over from the school. I don't understand _why _Bella trusts Alice to bring the truck or how Alice is even supposed to get in without the keys, but I'm just going to file this one under _I, _for _Ill Logic. _

However, when Bella looks out the window, her truck is magically there!

"**I would have thought, even over the pounding rain, I could have heard the engine's roar. But when I went to peek out the curtain — again — it was suddenly there."**

Okay, so they're vampires – big whoop-de-doo – but being vampires doesn't mean they can break the sound barrier and make Bella's truck appear silently or, if Alice picked the truck up over her head and walked it to Bella's house or something, she would've been caught.

And, again, why is Bella not wondering how Alice GOT IN WITHOUT THE _KEYS?_

I guess it doesn't matter because we flip subjects in a matter of five seconds:

'_I wasn't looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations. Of course there  
were the fainting comments. Jessica especially seemed to get a kick out of that story. Luckily Mike had kept his mouth shut, and no one seemed to know about Edward's involvement. She did have a lot of questions about lunch, though._

"So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?" Jessica asked in Trig.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "He never really got to the point."

"You looked kind of mad," she fished.

"Did I?" I kept my expression blank.

"You know, I've never seen him sit with anyone but his family before. That was weird."

"Weird," I agreed. She seemed annoyed; she flipped her dark curls impatiently — I guessed she'd been hoping to hear something that would make a good story for her to pass on.'

List time!

1.) Is this a flashback or a flash-forward or a prediction or what? I thought Bella was in her bedroom reading Macbeth! What the hell?

DOUBLE COUNTS:

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 23**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 18**

2.) People were making fainting comments? First of all, she didn't faint, second of all, she wasn't the only one to get sick, and third of all, do they have nothing better to do?!

3.) Wardo never got to the point, huh? Don't get your hopes up – he _never _does.

4.) No worries about keeping your expression blank, Bella. It's always blank.

5.) I still don't understand why we're supposed to like Bella. She automatically assumes Jessica was looking for a story to pass on, when, perhaps, she was actually trying to carry on a conversation with you, which is probably difficult because you insist upon monotonous, one-word responses to EVERYTHING. And, once again, Meyer needs to stop painting the other characters as bad guys. It reads like Bella was refusing to participate in an actual conversation and Jessica got annoyed with her.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 12**

Moving on.

Despite the fact that Wardo TOLD her that he wasn't going to be in school that day, Bella still looks for him and is thrown into a Deep Pit of Angst-y Despair when he isn't at the lunch table with his pseudo-siblings.

No, really:

"**I couldn't stop the gloom that engulfed me as I realized I didn't know how long I would have to wait before I saw him again."**

OH, THE MELODRAMA. THE _**ANGST.**_

(Guys, you should see my copy. I write my notes directly in the book, and this page is covered with "MEYER JUST _**STAHP**_"'s.)

Everyone else at Bella's lunch table is totally psyched for tomorrow, and it's supposed to be sunny. Bella is still not happy: "**I'd have to see that before I believed it. But it was warmer today — almost sixty. Maybe the outing wouldn't be completely miserable."**

Would it KILL you to enthusiastic about _something? _ANYTHING?

I'm going to apologize for this quote, BUT GOOD GOD, this is terrible. Our more faint-hearted readers might want to sit this one out:

'_I intercepted a few unfriendly glances from Lauren during lunch, which I didn't understand until we were all walking out of the room together. I was right behind her, just a foot from her slick, silver blond hair, and she was evidently unaware of that.  
"…don't know why __Bella__" — she sneered my name — "doesn't just sit with the Cullens from now on."_

I heard her muttering to Mike. I'd never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had, and I was  
surprised by the malice in it. I really didn't know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me — or so I'd thought. "She's my friend; she sits with us," Mike whispered back loyally, but also a bit territorially. I paused to let Jess and Angela pass me. I didn't want to hear any more.'

You know what? I feel like I'm supposed to hate Lauren, but, c'mon, don't tell me you aren't on her side, too. She's basically the only one who isn't kissing Bella's butt, and that makes her badass in this book. And anyway, we don't even know anything about her. We don't even know her last name. All she's here for is to make Bella look good, and that's _ANOTHER _THROW-AWAY CHARACTER.

(By the way, remember when I predicted a blond villain? This book is so predictable.)

Also, Territorial!Mike is creepy.

That night at dinner, Charlie is more enthusiastic about Bella's trip tomorrow than she is, and he already knows all the kids going, and he "**seems to approve". **Bella then wonders if he'd approve of her plan to take her idiotic trip to Seattle with Wardo – "**Not that I was going to tell him."**

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 13**

I hate Bella. I absolutely DESPISE Bella.

Bella remembers where Wardo said he was going camping, which we all know was a bad, cover-up lie, and Meyer pretends she researched:

_"Dad, do you know a place called Goat Rocks or something like that? I think it's south of Mount Rainier," I asked casually._

"Yeah — why?"

I shrugged. "Some kids were talking about camping there."

"It's not a very good place for camping." He sounded surprised. "Too many bears. Most people go there during the hunting season."

"Oh," I murmured. "Maybe I got the name wrong."

Hmmm. Wardo and Emmett? Grizzly bears? COULD THIS BE *camera zooms in on my face* _**FORESHADOWING?**_

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 36**

Oh, and Meyer? Just because the word "bear" appears in the name of the approximate area they'll be (Goat Rocks is near Bear Creek and Bear Creek Mountain) does not mean that there will be bears there, and there are probably at least 50 hiking trails there. The real question is why Wardo would be hiking/camping in March, when hiking season is in the summer. By the way, according to _Midnight Sun, _they run into not one, but two grizzlies when they go, which makes no sense because they're hiking in the _south _part of Washington when bears are usually located in the _north._

Good god, Wardo. You've been alive 104 years and never bothered to come up with a decent cover story.

**Apparently dinner ended and the rest of the evening and night passed, because it's suddenly the next morning: "****I meant to sleep in, but an unusual brightness woke me. I opened my eyes to see a clear yellow light streaming through my window. I couldn't believe it. I hurried to the window to check, and sure enough, there was the sun. "**

NO WAY, THE SUN.

(What was the point of describing the light as "**clear"? **Are you implying that light can be opaque?)

However, the sun loses its novelty in all of 3 seconds because then we're transported to Newton's Olympic Outfitters in the next paragraph. Apparently Eric, two boys who have had absolutely no relevance to the story so far and probably won't in the future named Ben and Conner, Jessica who is suddenly named "**Jess"**, Angela, Lauren who is the best character so far other than Charlie, and three random girls who don't even get names, but Bella fell on one of them in gym.

The girl that Bella fell on gives Bella a "**dirty look" **and whispers something to Lauren, "**who shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully."**

(Corn silk is _two _words, Meyer, not one.)

Bella's reaction towards this?

"**So it was going to be one of those days."**

I cannot stand your emotionless-ness, Bella. I really can't.

The only person happy to see her is Mike, which doesn't make sense since she supposedly is the queen of Forks, who informs her that they're waiting on "Lee" and "Samantha".

WHO.

THE.

HELL.

ARE.

_**THEY?!**_

WHY DO YOU KEEP INTRODUCING CHARACTERS OUT OF NOWHERE, MEYER? SCRATCH THAT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN INTRODUCING THEM; YOU'RE JUST THROWING OUT NAMES AND EXPECTING US TO KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

THAT. IS. NOT. GOOD. WRITING.

Mike asks if she invited anyone, and she lies "**lightly" **which is not the correct adjective for this situation and says she didn't, **but also wishing that a miracle would occur, and Edward would appear**".

That is immediately followed by this:

_"Will you ride in my car? It's that or Lee's mom's minivan."_

"Sure."

He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.

"You can have shotgun," he promised. I hid my chagrin. It wasn't as simple to make Mike and Jessica happy at the same time. I could see Jessica glowering at us now.

Oooh, **chagrin!**

And, if you have such an aversion to sitting with Mike, SAY NO.

Guess what, Meyer? You're actually making me dislike Mike! He is right in front of his date for the Sadie Hawkins dance (Did you think I forgot about that, Meyer? I haven't) and is making it extremely clear that he's only going with her because Bella turned him down. That's just rude.

Anyway, Lee (whoever the hell he is) shows up with two more people (whoever the hell they are), so Bella puts Jessica in between she and Mike, and then has the nerve to say "**Mike could have been more graceful about it, but at least Jess seemed appeased.**" You shouldn't be talking about who should be more graceful about _anything_, Bella.

So they ride off into the distance to La Push. Meanwhile, Bella "**tried to absorb as much sunlight as possible**". What on earth is with your obsession with the sun? I get that some people actually are affected by whether or not the sun is there because they have season affective disorder, but you weren't happy even when you were always in the sun. Anyway, they get there, and Bella says the beach is familiar because Charlie used to take her there (I bet she didn't go without a fight), and describes how "**breathtaking" **it is:

_The water was dark gray, even in the sunlight, white-capped and heaving to the gray, rocky shore. Islands rose out of the steel harbor waters with sheer cliff sides, reaching to uneven summits, and crowned with austere, soaring firs. The beach had only a thin border of actual sand at the water's edge, after which it grew into millions of large, smooth stones that looked uniformly gray from a distance, but close up were every shade a stone could be: terra-cotta, sea green, lavender, blue gray, dull gold. The tide line was strewn with huge driftwood trees, bleached bone white in the salt waves, some piled together against the edge of the forest fringe, some lying solitary, just out of reach of the waves._

There was a brisk wind coming off the waves, cool and briny. Pelicans floated on the swells while seagulls and a lone eagle wheeled above them. The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.

That was actually decently written (dreams do come true!) and it does, indeed, sound breathtaking, but…Meyer…

This is supposedly Bella's thoughts. This is in the same book that includes "grr". And, while I'm sure plenty of people do think "grr" every once in a while, no one thinks like _that._

They head down to a fire pit and build a "**teepee-shaped construction**" out of driftwood, and then light a fire.

"_It's blue," I said in surprise._

"_The salt does it. Pretty, isn't it?"_

Really, Meyer.

_Blue _fire.

Yes, driftwood fires DO have little streaks of green and yellow because of the salt, but if you wanted an entirely BLUE fire, you'd have to soak the wood in copper chloride for about two days, dry it completely, and then light it. They wouldn't be able to get blue fire from some driftwood they found on a beach.

Did I ever tell you I hate this book?


	14. Chapter 6, Part 2

**Hello, friends! This chapter is dedicated to TheDreamer006, HPPJOTHG3, Socrates' prodigy, kiltstoneded, WashingtonGirl, Mahou Shoujo Grell, ToLazyToLogin, Akari-Chan'96, Lee Kyle, OhSnapItzLara, ObSsEsIvE bOoKwOrM, bobblestheninja, joeyjoecharchar, i. spy. a. thief. xo, animebookfreak12, Ariana Raven, and bestgyrl because they're so awesome they defy adjectives.**

**I also thought of something. In the first chapter, I mentioned that there are some fantastic Twilight fanfics that I adore. I've decided that, every once in a while, a chapter will have a Twilight fic that I love, simply because there are some people who can actually make these people likable.**

**This chapter's story:****_When She Smiles _****by l'heure bleue. I chose this one first because it's about the two characters you guys ****_know _****I despise – Alice and Jasper. This fantastic writer not only made them and all the other suckish characters likable, she actually made me feel ****_bad _****for Jasper, who I would normally want to throw off a 5-story building.**

**Onward with the chapter!**

Following the ridiculous blue fire incident, Mike sits next to Bella around said physics-defying fire. Bella is overjoyed when Jessica starts talking to him so she does not have to interact with someone who is not OMGZHAWT.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 14**

Can someone please tell me why Bella didn't just say she didn't want to come on this trip?

Half an hour where, evidently, nothing happens because Meyer skips over it passes, and some of the guys want to go see the tide pools. In a shocking turn of events, Bella actually mentions she likes the tide pools. According to her, "**they were one of the only things [she] ever looked forward to when [she] had come to Forks**" when she was a kid. How much do you want to bet Charlie doesn't make the list? Of course, Meyer sees this as a wonderful chance to remind us of the LOLCLUMSY! "**I'd also fallen into them a lot.**" Dear lord, Bella. Your faux-flaw just keeps getting more ridiculous as the book goes on, huh?

Then, of course, the situation turns disturbing again:

"**Not a big deal when you're seven and with your dad. It reminded me of Edward's request — that I not fall into the ocean.**"

Are you saying Wardo reminds you of your father? Scratch that, I've read _Eclipse – _Wardo practically thinks he owns Bella. Actually, scratch that, too – he _does _think he owns Bella.

_Romance:_ Meyer can't write it.

Bella eventually decides to go because Tyler, Eric, and Lauren aren't, further cementing the idea that Bella bases all of her actions off what other people are doing into my head. Mike gives her this giant grin and I'm seriously suspecting that he's trying to make Jessica mad. Anyway, off their group goes into the woods in the direction of the tide pools, and Bella whines the whole way there, mostly about the "**adolescent laughter**". Are you saying laughing is _childish? _Just because you're a little b*tch who is never happy doesn't mean you're the mature one. Sorry. She also spends a whole paragraph lamenting about her LOLCLUMSY. However, she doesn't trip the entire hike, supposedly because she's concentrating. See? I told you guys; she's not LOLCLUMSY. She, as Wardo said, is just really, really unobservant 99% of the time.

When they arrive at the tide pools, Bella ramps up the LOLCLUMSY by like, 50%, now claiming that just sitting down to watch the tide pools puts her at risk for a LOLCLUMSY moment. Really, Meyer? I'm not buying this. Anyway, when she sits down, she starts saying what kinds of sea life are in the tide pool, including "**one small black eel with white racing stripes**". Wow, he must be really lost, because, according to the internet, all the species of black and white stripped eels are from Africa. Or, you know, Meyer didn't bother to research what kind of sea life live in La Push.

Then Meyer tries to convince us that Bella is in LUV: "**I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.**"

I know exactly what Wardo would be doing. In fact, I'm gonna write it. And I'm gonna try and write it in Meyer's style, in Bella's point of view:

_We sat at the end of the tide pool, staring down at the countless sea life._

_"They're pretty," I commented, surprised that I enjoyed something._

_Edward scoffed – his butterscotch eyes twinkled at the prospect of correcting me – and pointed to a fish._

_"You are clearly very unobservant. That fish has 3 eyes," he said, his voice musical, as he is apparently singing everything again._

_I cursed myself inwardly for using such a broad term – I should've said, "Most of them are pretty"._

_I stood up with the intention of looking at a different tide pool, when I suddenly felt a hand push me right into the tide pool._

_"Hey!" I said, surprised._

_Edward shrugged, his perfect crooked smile cemented onto his face. "You're just clumsy, Bella. Let's go see the other tide pools." He chuckled._

_I picked myself up out of the tide pool. "You're so _pushy_."_

_We walked to the other tide pool, Edward snickering the whole way there._

Yep, Wardo pushed her into the tide pool and blamed it on the LOLCLUMSY (and then laughed condescendingly).

And then we hit an awkward time jump because it's suddenly time to head back to the fire to eat, even though they just got to the tide pools.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 19**

I guess Bella stops focusing on what she's doing or Meyer felt she hadn't rammed the LOLCLUMSY into our heads enough, because Bella falls every two seconds all the way back to the campsite. Upon arriving back at the fire, they realize they have been joined by the Quileutes. It is obvious that they are from the reservation because they look like stereotypical Native Americans with "**shining, straight black hair and copper skin**".

(This is the best description we get of these guys throughout the entire series. I have literally no idea what they look like other than, like, _brown_.)

Food is already being passed around the circle, and Bella says that she and Angela are last to arrive at the circle even though Angela didn't go to see the tide pools. (?) There are seven Quileutes, but Bella doesn't bother to listen to their introductions because she doesn't give a crap. The only one whose name she even bothers to remember is the one who gives her the most attention, and that's Jacob.

Now, if you've read these books, I'm sure we're all aware of what Jacob's point was in this particular book – to move the plot along. He's not a real character, and I'm not going to call him by his given name because he doesn't deserve one. I'm going to call him exactly what he is: a Plot Device.

Bella sits next to Angela to eat because Angela is the only one worthy of this honor, although she is not worthy enough to be talked to or given any attention. Bella's thoughts are as follow: "**And I was thinking about how disjointedly time seemed to flow in Forks, passing in a blur at times, with single images standing out more clearly than others. And then, at other times, every second was significant, etched in my mind. I knew exactly what caused the difference, and it disturbed me.**"

Meyer, your time jumps are so bad even the _characters _are starting to notice.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 20**

As the day passes, people start walking about the beach and socializing, only not Bella because she doesn't want to be here so she remains seated and waits around for entertainment. And, lucky for her, Plot Device comes along to do just that.

_He looked fourteen, maybe fifteen, and had long, glossy black hair pulled back with a rubber band at the nape of his neck. His skin was beautiful, silky and russet-colored; his eyes were dark, set deep above the high planes of his cheekbones. He still had just a hint of childish roundness left around his chin. Altogether, a very pretty face._

Get excited, Plot Device. Bella, the supreme judge of beauty and worth, has deemed you pretty. However, you are not pretty enough: "**However, my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth.**"

Let's take a moment to wonder what he said. Perhaps, "You're a little b*tch" or "Get off my reservation, whore"? I imagine I'd be pretty offended if someone I didn't know said that to me.

Let's see what he said:

_"You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"_

It was like the first day of school all over again.

"Bella," I sighed.

Wow, Bella. He might not have called you it, but you _are _a little b*tch.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 15**

He introduces himself to her because it was pretty damn obvious she wasn't paying attention before, but she still doesn't really pay much attention, and since I'm not even calling him by his name, I'm not going to pay much attention either.

He says that his dad was the previous owner of her truck, and she says "**probably should remember**" him, which is almost certainly the reason she doesn't. She also describes his hand as "**sleek**", which is one of the absolute worst adjectives Meyer could've put there because I don't understand how a hand can be "sleek".

Plot Device says that they really didn't hang out, so the ones she would remember would be his sisters Rachel and Rebecca. Billy, Jacob, Rachel, and Rebecca; evidently, despite their stereotypical appearances, they aren't named something like "Sunset" or "Squanto" which I can totally see Meyer doing, if she ever bothered put any thought into her names. Anyway, Bella mentions that she stopped going on fishing trips with the Blacks at age 11: "**Of course, I'd kicked up enough tantrums to end the fishing trips by the time I was eleven.**"

And Bella is still trying to convince us that she has always been a very mature and grown-up person.

**WE ALL HATE THEM: 16**

Bella asks if Plot Device's sisters are at the reservation, and he says that they aren't because one is in college and the other's married. Bella claims to be **"stunned" **as they aren't much older than her.

*laughs for ten uninterrupted minutes*

This is hilarious because Meyer has said many times that she was moving in the direction of Breaking Dawn the entire time, wherein Wardo and Bella get married and birth to Death-Baby straight out of high school.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS:

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 37**

Bella notices Plot Device "**looking at [her] appreciatively in a way [she] was learning to recognize**". Okay, first of all, I don't get why EVERY SINGLE BOY in this town wants her. It just doesn't add up. People don't work like that. Second of all, Plot Device often saw her throw tantrums at the prospect of doing something she didn't want to do. If anything, he should despise her because she was the biggest brat ever, and, frankly, still is.

Then someone notices Plot Device gawking at Bella. I'm not even going to look – I'm just going to guess it's either Mike or Lauren.

_"You know Bella, Jacob?" Lauren asked — in what I imagined was an insolent tone — from across the fire._

"We've sort of known each other since I was born," he laughed, smiling at me again.

"How nice." She didn't sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.

Whaddaya know.

I don't get why the other girl who gets all the attention is Lauren; according to Bella, she's an ugly b*tch with an annoying voice. I'm actually starting to assume Lauren is based off some blonde Meyer knew in high school that all the guys she liked wanted, because this is getting ridiculous.

However, I'm getting an impression that your beloved Bella is the jerk, because she comes up with a new flaw of Lauren's every time she's featured just because Lauren doesn't like her. I mean, c'mon. I thought you were "mature".

Lauren asks if anyone invited the Cullens just to be a jerk, and one of the nameless and unimportant natives, the biggest one, asks if she means Dr. Cullen's family, and Lauren asks "**condescendingly**" if he knows them.

OF ALL THE PLACES YOU COULD'VE USED THE WORD "CONDESENDINGLY", _THAT'S_ WHERE YOU PICK?!

His response?

_"The Cullens don't come here," he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question._

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 38**

Let me fix that sentence for you, Injun-Joe:

_"The Cullens don't come here _***cough cough* VAMPIRES *cough cough***_," he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question._

There we go!

Tyler, who evidently can't decide if he likes Bella or Lauren, attempts to win Lauren's attention back with a CD and succeeds. I'm assuming she is part magpie and enjoys shiny objects.

Then we switch back to Injun Joe's words:

_I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He'd said that the Cullens didn't come here, but his tone had implied something more — that they weren't allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success._

Jacob interrupted my meditation. "So is Forks driving you insane yet?"

"Oh, I'd say that's an understatement." I grimaced. He grinned understandingly.

I was still turning over the brief comment on the Cullens, and I had a sudden inspiration. It was a stupid plan, but I didn't have any better ideas. I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn't see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.

Stop holding my hand! It's like Meyer's building Sparknotes right into the book.

And, let's get this straight: Bella is going to manipulate a boy who obviously likes her and pretend she likes him back just so she can get what she wants? Really?

I need to edit my "We all hate them" count again.

**WE ALL ****_DESPISE _****THEM: 17**

Much more appropriate.

Oh, and really? "Young Jacob"? Plot Device is TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU. That lines might work if she was, say, 22 and he was 15, but he's not. Stop trying to make yourself seem mature. You're looking like an ass.

I can actually sum up this part of the chapter in ONE SENTENCE:

Plot device says "Yeah, my Native American friends and I are gonna be werewolves in the next book and it's gonna be a huge deal, and BTW, the Cullens are vampires."

He's supposedly telling some ancient myth, but his stories are only from eighty years ago at the latest, and some of the people he mentioned are still alive. He flat-out says that his great-grandfather formed a treaty with the Cullens back in the thirties instead of slaughtering them because they eat animals instead of people, and their numbers have grown but none of them ever go to Dr. Cullen's clinic because he's a vampires (although Plot Device calls him a "Cold One") and they don't roll that way.

Can we dissect this?

Okay, this book is FOUR HUNDRED AND NINTEY-NINE PAGES LONG. It has 25 chapters. We've been building up to this since the first chapter - even though it was obvious as hell – and a quarter of the way through, WE'RE JUST TOLD THEY'RE VAMPIRES?! And yet this is supposed to be a big *GASP* moment, even though it isn't because Meyer is the least subtle writer whose work I have ever had the misfortune of reading and we all knew what they were by chapter 3, and if you didn't figure it out then, then you figured it out in chapter 5, that is, if THE BACK OF THE DAMN BOOK HADN'T TOLD US BEFORE WE EVEN OPENED IT.

And Meyer continues to insult my intelligence because Bella, too, was just told what they were, and yet we're supposed to believe Bella is some clever special snowflake who saw through the façade, when, in reality, she was just flat-out TOLD what they were.

And then Meyer doesn't realize she's painting Bella as some idiot who doesn't realize that this boy who she barely knows could be WRONG. She just believes him right off the bat, even though there really isn't much solid evidence. Yeah, the readers could figure it out because Meyer's a bad writer and foreshadows every two minutes, but Bella's not reading a book, and there's no set-in-stone evidence that they're vampires for her. Stopping a car doesn't point to being a vampire. Not eating doesn't point to being a vampire. You could say that skipping the blood typing lab was a sign, but he was totally fine around three people with bleeding fingers in the nurse's office, including Mike, who, as I said before, had his finger sliced open by the teacher. Every single one of those incidents can be explained by logic – the van? She had been knocked against the pavement and was seeing things. Not eating? They don't like cafeteria food or have an eating disorder. Being inhumanely beautiful? That's her opinion. Skipping blood typing? He heard about it from someone who had already had class that day and was too afraid to do it, either from having a fear of blood or needles.

Yet, the minute someone says they're vampires, she believes it.

BELLA IS A MORON.

And let's not forget how she got this information. Instead of just ASKING, she felt the need to play around with Plot Device's feelings and manipulate him, and all throughout, every other sentence was about how fake she was being. She USED him, and I am genuinely insulted that Meyer thinks I would like Bella. And since this is a self-insert, and Meyer says crap like this:

**_Q:_**_ Have you ever personally been involved in a love triangle?_

That is a really good question. Actually, yes, but I was the only one who knew about it. It was in college, and ... I don't know. So I had these two boyfriends and they didn't know about each other. And I just realized that if you actually count someone who will remain unnamed, there was actually three. I had fun in college.

I think it reflects pretty badly on Meyer as a person.

**WE ALL DESPISETHEM: 18**

I actually had to take a moment before I could continue on with this chapter. I've never read anything this bad in all my life. I actually think My Immortal, of all things, was better than this. At least Egogy had actual feelings.

Plot Device and Bella are interrupted by Mike and Jessica, who Bella can somehow tell are "**fifty yards away**". Why don't you play football?

Mike is happy to see her, and Plot Device wants to know if he's her boyfriend, "**alerted by the jealous edge in Mike's voice**". Bella is apparently "**surprised it was so obvious**", and honestly, so am I, because all he said was **"There you are, Bella,"**. Bella assures Plot Device that he "**definitely**" isn't, and continues to manipulate him by winking.

**WE ALL DESPISETHEM: 19**

_"So when I get my license…" he began._

"You should come see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime." I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I'd used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.

**STOP. DOING. THAT.**

And don't even try to tell me how bad you feel for using him. Don't you even try. Because you got what you wanted and CONTINUED to use him solely to make Mike jealous, which you succeed in and it makes Mike obviously mad, right in front of Jessica, who is, you know, his date for the dance.

Mike says they're leaving now because it's going to rain: "**We all looked up at the glowering sky. It certainly did look like rain.**"

A sky can't glower, you idiot.

(My dad actually read Twilight. Yup. All four books. It was back when I liked Twilight – which, I'll admit, I did, although I was never a Twihard and it was never my favorite book, thank God – because he wanted to know about what I was reading because he's awesome. He said they use the word "glower" way too much, and he's right. The best part about the fact that my dad read them is that now we get to complain about it together.)

Bella gets up to leave and says she'll come down with Charlie to visit soon, which is a lie because she never does and we all knew she wouldn't. They get in the car, and Bella refuses to talk to anyone.

What did I learn from this chapter?

Bella is a mean, lying, rude spoiled-rotten conniving little b*tch.

Your move, Meyer.

**WE ALL DESPISETHEM: 19**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 38**

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 20**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 23**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****12**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 2**

**Adjective Overkill: 3**


	15. BT: Their Lives are Still Twilight

**Hello! I'm actually writing chapter 7's commentary right now so if you reviewed the last chapter (or this one by the time chapter 7's commentary is up) then your dedication will be there. In the meantime, I wanted to review some more "My Life is Twilight". I had a bunch that didn't make it into the last chapter because it just would've been too long. So, here they are. Strap in, folks. This is going to be just as stupid as last time. **

_There is a new kid at our school his first name is Cullen. His middle name is Edward! i was soo MIND BLOWN. HLIT_

I'm assuming you're a teenager. This was posted in 2011. Unless you were about 6 years old, he was not named after Twilight and his name has absolutely nothing to do with Twilight, and furthermore, he probably has been associated with Twilight in the past and is sick of it.

STAHP.

_I teach kindergarten and am obsessed with Edward. My 8 year old was messing with my computer, so I changed my password. Well yesterday my husband's computer froze. He had to use mine, and called at work to get my new password. My password was; you guessed it, Edward Cullen. My husband flipped! MLIT_

A Twilight mom! Duck for cover!

_Today my boyfriend was holding me in his arms and he grabbed my arm and looked like he was gonna give me a kiss, but instead he bit my arm. He looked up to see my slightly disturbed face to which he replied I'm sucking the venom out. Glad to know my boyfriend is now more obssesed than I am. MLIT_

He _bit _you? HE _BIT_ YOU? DO I EVEN HAVE TO LIST ALL THE WAYS THIS IS MESSED UP?!

Also, if you are truly obsessed with Twilight, I highly suggest learning how to spell "obsessed".

_Sometimes I worry that my boyfriend or other really attractive people can read my mind. MLIT_

Sometimes, when I'm thinking something really stupid, I worry that maybe other people in the room can hear me. So I get you there. However, I don't understand why only the attractive people can read minds…?

_While handing out tickets to my friends to go see New Moon for the 5th time, I got a papercut. Coincidence? MLIT_

1.) Yes.

2.) How on earth can you sit through that movie FIVE TIMES?

_Today I typed "Jacob Black" into mystery google. Mystery google responded "Marry Me?" Thank you mystery google, it seems I have to plan a wedding =)_

Mystery Google no longer exists. Guess the wedding's off. You can always try Cleverbot.

_Today there was a pep-rally in my school and the theme was hawai. So the school invited this "tribe" (pro. dancers from hawai) to do some indian dance. All I could think about was the quileutes :) So my friend asks me "There from where?" And i said " La push baby, La push..." XD MLIT 4Ever!_

They're from HAWAII. **_HAWAII. _**THEY! ARE! NOT! FROM! LA PUSH!

And the Quileutes were Native American, not Indian. Why is it that I know this canon better than you?

AND the dance the dancers did probably was HAWAIIAN, you dolt.

_Today, I tried to use the word "chagrin" as much as possible, and I'm at 35 and counting. MLIT!_

Meyer only used the word "chagrin" correctly a handful of times throughout the entire series. Please, child. Stop.

_I have over 10 copies of each book and I have too many posters to count on my walls. My locker is all twilight, I have 3 twilight blankets and a Edward New Moon bed set and i have t-shirts for every day of the week for a whole month! im all twilight! :) MLIT_

I spent a good 5 minutes trying to figure out if they ever released the books in English with different covers, the way Harry Potter has both British and American editions and were re-released with box sets themed with different houses, have special covers for the 15th anniversary, etc. But, to the best of my knowledge, Twilight never did this. So buying 10 copies of each book was a waste of money. The only times I've ever bought a new copy of a book I already owned that looked identical to the original was when the original was destroyed for some reason.

I was also not aware they made 31 varieties of Twilight t-shirts. It's like a whinier and less tasty Baskin Robin's.

_Today I saw a truck just like Bella's going down the road, same make/model/year etc and it was red. Instantly I was jealous of the old man behind the wheel. MLIT_

Unless you're a crazy car buff on the side of being a Twihard, I'm not sure how you knew the exact make/model/year of a car just barreling down the road. However, I can actually relate! I want a '67 Impala like Dean Winchester on Supernatural.

(His car is _so _much cooler than Bella's, just FYI.)

_A week ago I got really angry at my sister. I wanted to phase into a wolf so bad._

So you wanted to…mar her face? Have you read what happened to Emily?

_A month ago I had a baby girl and named her Bella, today my best friend from elementary school had her first child a boy, whom she named Edward. I now plan to devote my life to making sure when they grow up they get married._

Okay! I so get it! I get that you want your daughter to marry your best friend's son! Seriously! I get it!

But it probably won't happen.

It might. Totally. It could.

But it probably won't.

How about you devote your life to being a good parent, mmkay?

_Today, I went at . I told some stranger My name was Isabella Swan, I lived in forks, I was 19, had a husband named Edward Cullen, and was pregnant with my first child, who seemed to grow very fast. He believed me. MLIT. And his isn't._

He obviously doesn't know anything about Twilight. I envy him.

_Today, I saw New Moon again...I sat there counting to 23...23...23...23...23...23...23...23 because it takes twenty three minutes for Jacob to appear in Twilight...23...23...23...MLIT_

You…you counted this? You sat down with your popcorn and counted how long it took for Jacob to show up in the movie?

Please. Get a hobby.

_Today I was talking with my girlfriend about how I don't see the appeal in the Twilight series, so she took me to see New Moon. Needless to say I picked up every Twilight book the next day at the bookstore! MLIT_

You liked New Moon?

New Moon convinced you to read Twilight?

You're going to be disappointed, bucko.

Here's why.

I know people hate the Twilight films. Yeah, they're bad. But I hate these books and, as you see, I catch a lot of little, dumb things in here. So, believe it or not, I can pretty much only see what they improved upon in the movies. They're terrible, yes. But the books? Even worse.

(I seriously love Robert Pattinson, though. I haven't liked any of his film roles since _The Goblet of Fire, _but he's such a lovable derp. Seriously. He's not an Edward at all. He's a Twi-hater! He's one of us! If you're reading this, Rob, this is for you, buddy. How you even stood playing Wardo for 5 films, I don't know. Your self control is amazing.)

_Today was a terrific, lovely, inspiring, gorgeous, hilarious, tantalizing day. There's a guy in my class that looks exactly like Jacob Black and he talked to me today. Oh, no. This dangers my efforts on trying to pass my final. At least I go to class but I can't seem to concentrate! MLIT_

Um, okay? Glad you're enjoying your day, friend. Please study so you can go to college and find real literature. Please.

_I love twilight so much that today I took my truck 40 minutes away to the coast, picked a nice spot on top of a windswept yet secluded outcrop, and watched the sun disappear below the horizon. The colours of the sky were bright topaz and purple. What a truly great evening. MLIT._

That does, indeed, sound lovely. I'm not sure what it has to do with Twilight.

_Today at school, my teacher was listing off names for attendance, and when he got to "Edward", the cutest boy in the class, all of the girls sighed, and the boy, Edward, got up and thanked everyone, then walked over and kissed me. My name is Bella. MLIT._

And the teacher just let him? She stopped mid-way on the attendance so he could kiss you? _All _the girls have crushes on him? _All _of them? Does he thank everyone for no apparent reason every day? He just kissed you on the lips without consent and you just took it? Isn't that what Jacob did? Does this happen often?

Your story here has more plot holes than Swiss cheese.

*cough* FAKE STORY *cough*

_I saw New Moon for the 13th time on Friday. When I got home, I cried for 8 hours, stared out my window and didn't eat for a few days. Needless to say, I love Edward Cullen more than anything in the world._

Please get help, friend. That isn't healthy.

_Today, I sat down in this cute bar and just as I was about to leave a guy who looked excactly like Jasper walked in. Just to be funny I walked up to him and we reanacted the 'Alice-Jasper' meeting scene in Eclipse. My name is Alice, and his name is Jasper. We're going out on Friday. MLIT_

I just…I just…please, guys. These fake stories are kinda pathetic.

_Today i was on a baby name website and i was scrolling down when all of the sudden i saw the name Jasper, Alice, Emmet, Edward, Rosalie, and Esme. I was looking for Carlisle but it wasn't there. Isabella is name #2...MLIT_

Stephenie Meyer did not create the names Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Edward, Rosalie, or Esme. Of course they're going to be there. The only name in her series she actually created was Renesmee, which I think we can all agree was stupid as hell. In fact, let me see if it's on any actual baby name sites.

(Researching!)

OH, YOU ARE **KIDDING **ME.

IT MEANS 'REBORN AND LOVED'.

**_'_****_REBORN AND LOVED'._**

AND OH MY GOD THE WEBSITE I WAS ON ALLOWS YOU TO UPLOAD YOUR PICTURE IF YOUR NAME IS THE ONE LISTED.

THERE ARE **FIVE **LITTLE GIRLS NAMED RENESMEE.

I'm so done.

_Today I dreamt of my own version of Edward. Average height, green eyes, soft lips, and pale cold-skinned. Life would be so much easier if I weren't in love with him, but I can't help it. If i could dream, it would be about him because someday we will be together. MLIT _

Do I even need to talk about this one?

_Today in physics class we were learning how humans can't hear more than 15000MH, and my taecher added "so no, noone would be able to hear a sound of 30000 MH" I added in silence "Edward would!" ;) MLIT_

Last time I checked, Wardo did not possess supersonic hearing. He would not be able to hear that sound.

And, pray tell, how do you "add in silence"?

_Today, while playing "Paper Mario" (yes, I am a girl btw) I got to the part where you get Yoshi. The video game then proceeded to ask for name for it. What did I name it? EDWARD _

The only reason I have this one here is because she thinks we're all gonna be shocked she plays Paper Mario and she's a girl. NO WAY, A GIRL PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. NO WAY, A GIRL PLAYING A GAME FEATURING A VERY COMMON AND WELL LIKED CHARACTER.

**_NO WAY._**

(Seriously, though. We're not amazed. My favorite video game is Super Mario Brothers 3. SNES FTW.)

_My Record For Seeing Twilight Is About 10 Times A Day My Record For New Moon Is (Forever)T_

On Christmas I tried to watch the entire twenty-four hour marathon of A Christmas Story last year, but after like 5 times I got sick of it, and this is a movie I adore and watched about a million times last Christmas season over the course of the weeks leading up to Christmas. Your dedication, although it kind of confuses me as I don't think I could sit through Twilight once, amazes me.

_Today my grade went to boston for a field trip. All the girls in my grade told me to bring the movie Twilight to watch on the way back. I thought all the guys mad. They didnt care they sat there through it, watching it, and being amazed, yet before we put it in they were complaining about it. MLIT_

**FOLLOW THOSE OWLS: ***gets on bus, elbows every guy (and all the girls who didn't like it, I mean, you can't honestly say ALL of them wanted to watch Twilight), whispering "This movie sucks, did any of you bring anything else? I've got The School of Rock. Wanna see if we can convince the teachers to play this after? I mean, seriously, you just KNOW one of them is gonna try to play New Moon when this is over. And they're gonna cry. They're gonna cry because some sparkly jackass isn't in the movie for an hour."*

And that's me on your school trip.

_Today I found a new contact in my phone named "Jessica". I'm tempted to call it and ask to go see a movie with her. MLIT_

You just "found" a new contact? As in, you didn't put it in there? Care to explain how it got there?

_Today I went to go see NEW MOON, when Edward took of his shirt the only thing I noticed was that his right nipple seemed bigger than his left nipple. MLIT_

I'm 900% done with this post and 37% done with the next one.

_Today at my step-brother's baseball game a ball hit me in the head and everyone kept asking me if I was okay and I was, but I kept thinking to myself "haha I had a Bella moment"!_

A BASEBALL HIT YOU IN THE HEAD AND THAT'S ALL YOU THINK OF? It's not like when I run for a long time and get out of breath I'm like "LOL I'm having a Hazel moment" because of the The Fault in Our Stars! You scare me!

_Today, we had art at school. i went and sat down next to the only empty space next to a new guy. He had bronze hair and hazel-almost golden eyes . I flipped shit. My best friend then proceeded to turn around from her seat and say 'this reminds me of twilight'. it was awkward. MLIT_

I have hazel eyes, and I swear to God, I have heard so many goddamn Twihards telling me I look like a vampire because I'm pale and my eyes are supposedly golden, which they _aren't. _For all my pale, hazel and amber-eyed friends out there, I feel you.

_Today I woke up from a nap on my girlfriends couch only to realize that she had covered me in Twilight body glitter while I was asleep. FML+MLIT_

*gives you a hug* I know, man. It sucks.

_Today, I was in my kitchen. I was hungry. I got some ice cream from the freezer. The cold air from the freezer reminded me of Edward. I ate it with a spoon. The spoon reminded me of a fork. I realized that the sun was shining on my ice cream and making it sparkle. MLIT_

These people can relate ANYTHING to Twilight!

"I was at my computer, which reminded me of the keyboard, which reminded me of typing, which reminded me of books, which reminded me of Twilight! Yay!"

_Today, I told my History teacher that I was a vampire and I had eaten seven humans over the weekend. I am no longer her favourite, just the weirdo who sits in the corner. MLIT!_

Today my history teacher spoke in a redneck accent all period. How's your life?

**I'm so sorry for subjecting you to this, friends.**


	16. Chapter 7, Part 1

**We hit 200 reviews, guys! You're all still here! Just…wow. I'll never give up on, you friends. Just don't give up on me. Also, if you're in to Supernatural, you absolutely ****_must _****read the fic ****_The Wedding Crashers_****. Somebody suggested it to me a while back after I made an SPN reference and I literally could not put it down. It bashes Twilight while remaining interesting, keeping everyone frighteningly in character, and highlighting the actually good but neglected characters of Twilight like Leah. And the Cullens ****_so _****get theirs. It's glorious.**

**Dedicated to: torlaisgay, KC Pendragon, ineverhadapony (I cried during Les Mis too, but I didn't refuse to eat!), Eep, ToLazehToLogOn, Secretly Imaginative, AwesomelyMe2015, S, Xylia1014, backwards wonderland, Kitten the Ghost, Lady Jade Scribbler, Guest, bestgryl, HPPJOTHG3 (I did! I'm more excited for the prequel to Monsters Inc., though!), Mahou Shoujo Grell, another Guest, i. spy. a. thief. xo (I DIED laughing at your review), BeautifulMasterpiece, Crossroader32, OhSnapItzLara, ObSsEsIvE bOoKwOrM, two more Guests, and Silver Demon Sword. Gosh, I love you guys.**

**Chapter 7 – Nightmare**

OVER 30,000 WORDS IN, GUYS. OVER 30,000 WORDS IN AND _NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. _

Dear god.

Instead of saying hello or telling Charlie about the infamous beach trip, Bella tells Charlie that she has homework and isn't hungry. Bella, it sounds like you're just trying to blow him off.

However, Charlie's cool with this because there's a basketball game on that he's excited about. Bella is promptly a bitch: "**though of course [she] had no idea what was special about it" **and that it does a nice job of distracting him from her strange behavior, even though she isn't acting OOC in any way. Meyer, you know, there were several other ways that you could've phrased that so it didn't sound like Charlie valued basketball over his daughter. You could've just said it distracted him and she wasn't interested, but **NOOOOOOOOOOOO. **He probably didn't question her behavior because she's no happy camper and she loves to avoid him. He probably has accepted it at this point.

Also, I'm like 900% sure that Meyer is just trying to see if she can make me hate Bella. Mission accomplished.

When she gets in her room, she locks the door which is kinda strange. Why does her bedroom have a lock? It's pretty rare to run into a teenager with a lockable bedroom door. Anyway, she whips out her headphones and her "**little CD player**". She has a CD player? MP3 players were becoming pretty big in 2005. You could get them for like $15-$20. The ipod was 4 years old. I digress. Anyway, she puts in a CD that Phil gave her for Christmas because "**it was one of his favorite bands**". I love how Meyer is trying to convince us that no ever gives Bella what she wants and she's so selfless and special and no one can connect with her. This is followed by nearly 250 words of describing the CD without ever mentioning its name or the band. There are ways around mentioning actual bands or songs so you don't get sued, Meyer. This isn't one of them.

(If you were really curious, Bella was listening to a Linkin Park CD. I know this because, despite what you may think, I did my flippin' research before I wrote this and read the FAQ on Meyer's website as well as like, 15 interviews. Don't worry; I'm so gonna review this "FAQ" eventually, probably at the end of the book.)

By the way, these 200 words were unnecessary because she could've just said she put on loud music to block out her thoughts. Don't make me start a Word Abuse in General count, Meyer.

She eventually falls asleep, and I can't even convey the stupidity of her dream through a summary. You just have to read it yourself:

_I opened my eyes to a familiar place. Aware in some corner of my consciousness that I was dreaming, I recognized the green light of the forest. I could hear the waves crashing against the rocks somewhere nearby. And I knew that if I found the ocean, I'd be able to see the sun. I was trying to follow the sound, but then Jacob Black was there, tugging on my hand, pulling me back toward the blackest part of the forest._

"Jacob? What's wrong?" I asked. His face was frightened as he yanked with all his strength against my resistance; I didn't want to go into the dark.

"Run, Bella, you have to run!" he whispered, terrified.

"This way, Bella!" I recognized Mike's voice calling out of the gloomy heart of the trees, but I couldn't see him.

"Why?" I asked, still pulling against Jacob's grasp, desperate now to find the sun. But Jacob let go of my hand and yelped, suddenly shaking, falling to the dim forest floor. He twitched on the ground as I watched in horror.

"Jacob!" I screamed. But he was gone. In his place was a large red-brown wolf with black eyes. The wolf faced away from me, pointing toward the shore, the hair on the back of his shoulders bristling, low growls issuing from between his exposed fangs.

"Bella, run!" Mike cried out again from behind me. But I didn't turn. I was watching a light coming toward me from the beach.

And then Edward stepped out from the trees, his skin faintly glowing, his eyes black and dangerous. He held up one hand and beckoned me to come to him. The wolf growled at my feet.

I took a step forward, toward Edward. He smiled then, and his teeth were sharp, pointed.

"Trust me," he purred.

I took another step.

The wolf launched himself across the space between me and the vampire, fangs aiming for the jugular.

"No!" I screamed, wrenching upright out of my bed.

I know I just ranted to y'all about how it's unfair that Bella was just told the answers. But, seriously? She just DREAMED them? I know that Plot Device becomes a werewolf in the next book because I've read it, mmkay? But how does Bella know, huh, Meyer? Did she read the books, too? Can she predict the goddamn future with her dreams? What is your answer, pray tell?

**_Q:_**_How did werewolves end up in the Twilight series? Was that planned from the beginning?_

_**A:**__ Stephenie said that she didn't know Jacob was a werewolf in the first book. Even when Bella had that dream with Jacob morphing into a werewolf, he still wasn't a werewolf—that was just Bella's mind twisting all the things she had learned that day._

BULL. CRAP.

I mean, this isn't regular foreshadowing? This is ADVANCED foreshadowing. So, we've got Mike, but SURPRISE, SURPRISE, Bella doesn't turn to him! She turns to Wardo and Plot Device, who is turning into a werewolf and is conveniently the other option she will eventually have! And, SHOCKER, she takes a step towards Wardo!

I can't even anymore.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 43**

Bumped up by five.

So Bella jerks awake, her headphones go flying off her head, her CD player **"clatters" **to the floor, and she apparently fell asleep with her shoes on. This confuses me, as she got in bed in the last chapter; it's not like she wasn't trying to go to bed. Did it never occur to her that she should take her dirty, sand-covered boots off?

AND OH MY GOD I'M SORRY FOR FLIPPING OUT RIGHT NOW BUT I JUST REALIZED THAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS CHAPTER, BECAUSE THERE IS SOMETHING SO DAMN UNBELIEVABLE IN HERE THAT I'M JUST SO EXCITED TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD AND I JUST –

Sorry.

Moving on, Bella gives us a really stupid laundry list, including how she attempts to take off her jeans without getting up, how she takes a braid of her hair – she **"rips" **a rubber band out; is Meyer not aware that doing that _hurts? – _how it's five-thirty in the morning, how **"[her] subconscious had dredged up exactly the images [she'd] been trying so desperately to avoid",** and how she now had to face said images.

I'm about to slam you with a big quote, sorry:

_I sat up, and my head spun for a minute as the blood flowed downward. First things first, I thought to myself, happy to put it off as long as possible. I grabbed my bathroom bag._

The shower didn't last nearly as long as I hoped it would, though. Even taking the time to blow-dry my hair, I was soon out of things to do in the bathroom. Wrapped in a towel, I crossed back to my room. I couldn't tell if Charlie was still asleep, or if he had already left. I went to look out my window, and the cruiser was gone. Fishing again.

I dressed slowly in my most comfy sweats and then made my bed — something I never did. I couldn't put it off any longer. I went to my desk and switched on my old computer.  
I hated using the Internet here. My modem was sadly outdated, my free service substandard; just dialing up took so long that I decided to go get myself a bowl of cereal while I waited.

I ate slowly, chewing each bite with care. When I was done, I washed the bowl and spoon, dried them, and put them away. My feet dragged as I climbed the stairs. I went to my CD player first, picking it up off the floor and placing it precisely in the center of the table. I pulled out the headphones, and put them away in the desk drawer. Then I turned the same CD on, turning it down to the point where it was background noise.

With another sigh, I turned to my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word.  
Vampire.

1.) 315 words. THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN, AND WE ONLY NEEDED ABOUT FIFTY. IF THAT.

2.) I love how Meyer is so aware that this is filler. She practically says it.

3.) I love how even Bella realizes this is filler.

2.) This…this is such a list. It's not good writing. I learned back in the first grade that good writing is not listing. They even taught us how to write lists so we'd know the difference.

4.) Why does Bella have dial-up at all? Dial-up is typically reserved for people who live out in the middle of nowhere, which, despite what it seems like Meyer wanted us to believe, Bella does not. She lives in Forks, Washington. Nice try.

5.) Why doesn't Bella have an ad-blocker? The year is not 1995.

6.) I figured it out.

Everything in this book is almost wildly out-of-date for 2005. She has a CD player; reading ahead, she capitalizes Internet, which you rarely see done anymore; she has dial-up; she doesn't have an ad-blocker. This doesn't sound like it was set in 2005 at all does it? It sounds like it was set in the early nineties, perhaps the late eighties.

You know, when Meyer went to high school.

Bella scoffs at most of the sites, commenting on how they aren't what she's looking for despite the fact that she put in one of the broadest terms she possibly could've, and then she comes across a **"promising" **one, called Vampires A-Z.

This is the stupid thing that I was so excited for. You'll see.

Anyway, Bella describes what the website looks like: **"simple white background with black text, academic-looking." **She also includes two verbatim quotes that I don't give two craps about, so I'll spare you because they don't add or subtract from the plot. Anyway, the reason I was so excited is because this website is absolutely real. I have it open in another window right now. And I don't get why she called it academic. Bad wording, Meyer.

AND HERE COMES THE STUPID PART!

_The rest of the site was an alphabetized listing of all the different myths of vampires held throughout the world. The first I clicked on, the Danag, was a Filipino vampire supposedly responsible for planting taro on the islands long ago. The myth continued that the Danag worked with humans for many years, but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood._

Wow! That description sounds quite descriptive and actually smart! Wanna know why?

Meyer didn't write it.

I went into the C-D listing and found Danag, and this is what it said:

**_Danag _**_  
Area from/nationality: Filipino. Vampire held to be very ancient as a species, responsible for having planted taro on the islands long ago. The Danag worked with humans for many years but the partnership ended one day when a woman cut her finger and a Danag sucked her wound, enjoying the taste so much that it drained her body completely of blood._

Meyer copy-pasted it from the website.

Are you not aware that this is _plagiarism, _Meyer? You could actually get into a lot of trouble for this! You aren't allowed to steal someone else's work and claim it as your own! This is the equivalent of a high school student looking on Amazon for a book summary and slapping their name on it!

And, actually, you could've just included them in your acknowledgments, somewhere on the copyright page, etc. You probably could've even said something like, "I saw a vampire called a Danag and its description said: [insert quote here]." But no, you had to make it seem like Bella is super smart.

**THAT! IS! NOT! OKAY!**

Anyway, Bella totally just brushes off copyright infringement and keeps going:

_Only three entries really caught my attention: the Romanian Varacolaci, a powerful undead being who could appear as a beautiful, pale-skinned human, the Slovak Nelapsi, a creature so strong and fast it could massacre an entire village in the single hour after midnight, and one other, the Stregoni benefici._

About this last there was only one brief sentence.

Stregoni benefici: An Italian vampire, said to be on the side of goodness, and a mortal enemy of  
all evil vampires.

It was a relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that claimed the existence of good vampires.

The name and description just got really dumb, so I looked in the S section of the website, and it wasn't there.

Yup, Meyer did write that one. Wanna know why?

Because not a single entry on the website mentioned the existence of good vampires.

This is why you do your research before you start writing, you twit. You back yourself into corners and come up with silly vampires with a name that means "sorcerer's benefits".

FOR PLAGIARIZING:

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 20**

(Yep, now the count includes you, too, Meyer.)

FOR PADDING YOUR WORD COUNT AS IF THIS BOOK WASN'T LONG ENOUGH:

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 21**

AND FOR BEING AN IDIOT IN GENERAL:

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 22**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 24**

Tara was flipping idiot, too, Meyer. Don't feel bad.

Bella whines that none of the myths match up and takes her wrath out of her computer by **"snapping"** off the computer's power switch instead of turning off the correct way. You're a bitch, Bella. I'm so done with you.

Then Bella feels embarrassed because of how stupid it was to be researching vampires – explains why Meyer barely did any of her own – and promptly decides that **"most of the blame belonged on the doorstep of the town of Forks — and the entire sodden Olympic Peninsula, for that matter."**

Blaming Forks for all your problems won't get you anywhere, you idiot. How about, and I know this might come as a shock, you actually take responsibilities for your own actions? Just a thought, you know, since you're the epitome of mature.

I can't even with this book anymore. I swear to God, I'm gonna burn this damn thing when I'm done.

**Not my best; more factual and pointing out mistakes than funny, but oh well. Can't win 'em all.**


	17. Chapter 7, Part 2

**This chapter is dedicated to the reviewers, who I love but it's just so late and I'm so tired and I just want to put this chapter out and I just can't put your names today. You're loved by me, friends.**

Just to make something clear, prove that I don't hate Bella without perfect reason, and to make sure I'm not contradicting myself: As I've said before, I don't mind asshole characters who are INTENTIONALLY assholes. I love them. But I do also like when a character is nice, even very nice, but has mean or jerk moments. We all do and it's realistic. Some characters are even good-naturedly rotten – look at Fred and George Weasley. They could be such little _snakes _but you knew they weren't bad or mean characters, even when they were being very rotten. It's actually very common to have characters like that because we are all rotten at times, so it's nice to see characters that are good and well-liked, but can be very mean when they want to be.

And Fred _isn't _dead.

Is not.

Is not.

Is not is not is not.

Is not infinity.

Bella, however, thinks she is a saint and is one of the meanest book characters I've ever seen, which, as I said before, could be great if it was one PURPOSE. You know, this really developed psychologically messed-up villain who thinks they're the epitome of perfection and blame everything on others.

But as the common, everyday teenage girl who is supposed to represent us all?

Nope.

* * *

Anyway, after our lovely adventure on the computer, Bella storms out of the house, angry at absolutely nothing, and spends over 500 words walking into the forest, including highlights like, "**There was a thin ribbon of a trail that led through the forest here, or I wouldn't risk wandering on my own like this. My sense of direction was hopeless; I could get lost in much less helpful surroundings." **Which, besides being totally pointless because no one cares, just adds to Bella's dumbass in distress factor.

("_I shouldn't wander on my own like this!" Bella cries as she walks into a small forest wherein the most danger she will face may be a small chipmunk. "It's so dangerous! Wardo! Help! I'm lost because my sense of direction sucks! Blame the LOLCLUMSY; Meyer feels like we haven't had enough in recent chapters.")_

She spends about 1,000 words speculating the thought of Wardo the Vampire. I think I can speak for everybody when I say that I think if I genuinely thought that a classmate of mine was a vampire, I'd spend, oh, I don't know, a little more than a thousand words on the subject. I just don't get it. This is supposed to be our climax (as if we couldn't figure it out). We are supposed to SHOCKED. We're supposed to be absolutely STUNNED and maybe even have to put the book down to let this information sink in. We are not. But Meyer thinks we are, so I don't understand why she spends a mere fraction of the book on this subject.

She goes over the evidence:

_There was no rational explanation for how I was alive at this moment. I listed again in my head the things I'd observed myself: the impossible speed and strength, the eye color shifting from black to gold and back again, the inhuman beauty, the pale, frigid skin. And more — small things that registered slowly — how they never seemed to eat, the disturbing grace with which they moved. And the way __he__ sometimes spoke, with unfamiliar cadences and phrases that better fit the style of a turn-of-the-century novel than that of a twenty-first-century classroom. He had skipped class the day we'd done blood typing. He hadn't said no to the beach trip till he heard where we were going. He seemed to know what everyone around him was thinking… except me. He had told me he was the villain, dangerous…_

Could the Cullens be vampires?

As I've explained, I have no idea how you came to this conclusion, especially since none of the traits match up to your half-assed research. And, no, Wardo never speaks like a character from a turn-of-the-century novel, he speaks exactly like you. I've read turn-of-the-century novels, Meyer. Wardo fits in perfectly in Twilight, not in a turn-of-the-century novel.

(Of course, I like to imagine he speaks like he does in the hilarious creation Growing Up Cullen, which is on LiveJournal and you should go read this instant. _NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME,_ he seethes as he presses his wildflowers.)

Oh, and cadence basically means rhythm. I told you Wardo was singing all his lines.

While Bella sits in the OHSODANGEROUS woods and ponders this, she decides to come up with a plan. Her first idea is to tell him to get lost, which I think we all would've done by now. I personally would trap him in some sort of purgatory where his only companions are the Garbage Pail Kids (from the atrocious movie, not the cards). Have you seen that movie? If you have not, I envy you. I think I got stupider watching it.

Bell doesn't agree. Her reaction when she considers this option is as follows: "**I was gripped in a sudden agony of despair as I considered that alternative. My mind rejected the pain, quickly skipping on to the next option.**"

I know _all _about forced romance, Meyer. I've gone back and read my old stuff, from waaaaaay back (Spring 2012) when I started writing. Luckily, I did not send the first thing I wrote to a publisher, insisting that I'm genius, because I can now see just how terrible it is and improved. I learned I can't write romance very well, and it just seems awkward – so I'm _practicing. _And it'll do me well someday when I _can _write it. You see, that's why Meyer never improved. She was brainwashed into thinking the first thing she ever wrote was perfect and saw no reason to improve. That's why one day, when all of us are great writers because we went back to our old writing, saw the mess that it was, and took the time to _improve_, we'll get cringe reading our old stuff because we know how bad it is. Hell, I can do that now. And Meyer will never get that moment. I pity her.

(Wanna read the mess that is my very first story? It's on my profile and called _Since You've Been Gone _and makes me want to puke.)

I digress.

THIS.

IS.

NOT.

**_ROMANCE._**

This is forced beyond forced! For the last six chapters, Bella and Wardo have done nothing but snark and gripe at each other, yell at each other, constantly get irritated by each other, and let's not forget that Wardo is freaking abusive. Am I supposed to think that this is _love? _Meyer, I am a girl who has no dating experience. I prefer friendship over romance. I have more affection for fictional characters than I do for most real people. YOU are a middle aged woman who is MARRIED and apparently had a lot of boyfriends in the past. I recall an interview wherein you said you went on dates every weekend in college. That's all fine and dandy, but **_WHY AM I ABLE TO TELL THAT IS NOT AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EVER WILL BE CONSIDERED LOVE AND YOU CAN'T?!_**

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 23**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 25 **(I'll never forget when Ebony was crying because Draco was dead and then she started screwing Harry, or, as she called him, Vampire.)

Sorry.

Bella just infuriates me more by bringing back up that goddamn dream and how she feared for Wardo's life and started screaming when the werewolf lunged at him. Shut up, Bella. I hate you.

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 24**

Bella doesn't care that I want to throw her off a building because the next words out of her mouth are, "**Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.**" You know what, Bella? Go to hell. Go straight to hell.

It took Bella ONE THOUSAND WORDS – actually, no, a little less – to reach a conclusion, and I don't think it means she's "mature", "grown-up", "falling in love", Wardo's soul mate, or even smart. It just means one of two things:

A.) Bella is an idiot. THE STUPID. IT BURNS.

B.) You're a terrible writer, Meyer.

I think it's a combination of the two.

Anyway, Bella goes inside to work on her Macbeth essay for school and she's weirdly happy. I don't really get why, and the way it's worded makes it seem like she's all pleased that she and Wardo are working out the kinks in their relationship – Meyer, hellllloooo. They aren't dating yet. They aren't friends or even friendly. They don't HAVE a relationship.

Bella suddenly remembers the Seattle trip. Instead of reacting like a normal person and questioning whether or not Wardo actually wants to go shopping – although I can so see that happening. Can't you? Wardo and Bella in TJ Maxx or something and cruising down the aisles? Maybe they laugh and try on ridiculous shoes. She doesn't even consider that perhaps he's looking for, oh, I don't know, **LUNCH?**

**_HOW MUCH MORE STUPID CAN THIS BOOK GET?_**

You ADMIT that you know he's a vampire! You ADMIT he's probably doing some kind of pseudo-mind-control thing on you – hell, we all know he can read minds at this point. You ADMIT everything about him is alluring, although it _isn't _and you're a goddamn idiot, and **_MEYYYYEEERRRRR-_**

**_I HATE YOUR BOOK, I HATE YOUR "HEROINE", AND I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU SEEM TO THINK YOU'VE PENNED THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. _**

**_You!_**

**_Can!_**

**_Not!_**

**_WRITE!_**

I'm not even going to apologize for that.

Bella apparently can just go to sleep after my screaming at her and wakes to another sun-drenched day. And then she scares me by mentioning that her window doesn't stick or creak when she opens it; I believe Wardo greased it or something so he could sneak in without detection. Don't believe me? Read _Midnight Sun, _which I hate even more than Twilight, mostly because it's told from Wardo's point of view. And Meyer literally thinks Wardo is perfect:

_**Q:**__ Edward is so perfect—you've ruined regular men for a lot of teens. Do you feel bad?_

_**A:**__ Oh, a little bit, I guess. I just wanted to write for myself, a fantasy. And that's what Edward is. But it could be a good thing, too. There's nothing wrong with having high expectations, right?_

**O RLY?**

Do you know who's a better man than Wardo? DROP DEAD FRED. THE GODDAMN IMAGINARY FRIEND FROM A MOVIE I DESPISE WHO IS ALSO A PSYCHOPATH, A PERVERT, DISGUSTING, AND ANNOYING AS HELL.

_HE _BEATS WARDO.

YOU REALLY NEED TO REEVALUATE YOUR IDEA OF A PERFECT MAN, MEYER, IF _DROP DEAD FLIPPING FRED _WINS OUT.

REALLY.

(Although I do love the actor who plays him, whatever his name is, because he's very funny when actually given a good script, you know, like KRISTEN STEWART IS A GOOD ACTRESS WHEN GIVEN A GOOD CHARACTER. Off topic, but I do hate when people bag on her because of her performance in Twilight. I'm not a fan, but Bella sucks. No one could make her likable.

Where was I? Ahh, yes, Drop Dead Fred guy. Rik somebody. Google him.

I'm getting so sidetracked this time, sorry.)

I'm so done with this book.

Bella gets dressed and heads downstairs with a spring in her step, says hello to Charlie with a smile for the first time in this damn book, and then goes on for a paragraph out of nowhere about how her parents got married quickly and without thinking much about it, mostly because Renee thought Charlie was hot, and his looks faded, and that's why their romance fizzled out.

**_SHUT UP, BITCH._**

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 25**

Oh, and this line comes up: "**I ate breakfast cheerily, watching the dust moats stirring in the sunlight that streamed in the back window."**

Do…do you mean dust particles, Meyer? What is a dust moat?

She heads off to school, still pleased as punch, gets there early, and is one of the first students there. She decides to check over her trig homework, which is done, due to her **"slow social life". **Your social life is slow? Can't imagine why. She doesn't get far, though, and decides to draw eyes on her homework instead. Lovely foreshadowing, Meyer. I can't even begin to guess why she's doing that.

Here comes Bella's idea of Sata – I mean, Mike. Bella looks up and notices everyone is arriving and that they're all in shorts and t-shirts, "**though the temperature couldn't be over sixty**". It's probably not even eight in the morning, you idiot. It's going to get warmer. Anywho, Bella waves to Mike, "**unable to be halfhearted on a morning like this**". We aren't even given time to recover from Bella being a decent person, because the next line is, "**He looked so delighted to see me, I couldn't help but feel gratified.**"

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 26**

Ha, I remember this part. Mike comments on how Bella's hair has red in it in the sun and starts fondling it. Bella dislikes this but, unlike a normal, sane person, doesn't say a thing about it. You don't have to be rude about it, you know. Just say, "Please don't touch my hair."

He asks what she did yesterday. She has the nerve to say that "**his tone was just a bit too proprietary.**"

Remember this when Wardo is dismantling your car engine, chickie-baby.

Anyway, Bella says she worked her Macbeth essay. "**I didn't add that I was finished with it — no need to sound smug.**" Mike apparently forgot about this altogether and the fact that it's due on Wednesday and not Thursday. *winks at readers* This supposed to make us think he's stupid. I hate you, Meyer. Mike asks what her essay topic is. Bella's response is, I swear to God, **"Whether Shakespeare's treatment of the female characters is misogynistic."**

**_O RLY?!_**

Meyer must've gotten mad at me for laughing at her stupidity, because the next line is, "**He stared at me like I'd just spoken in pig Latin.**"

You know, because he's stupid.

Small-town country bumpkins are like that, right?

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 27**

Please go away, Meyer.

Anyway, Mike says this: **"I guess I'll have to get to work on that tonight," he said, deflated. "I was going to ask if you wanted to go out."**

He's like bed bugs. He never goes away.

He's also forgotten about his dance date with Jessica. Again. Why am I more concerned with your appointments than you, Mike?

Bella whines because she can't "**ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike… without it getting awkward**".

_WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL HIM __**NO**__ BACK IN JANUARY?_

He persists, inviting her to dinner. Bella? "**I hated being put on the spot."**

(Say no.)

She says she doesn't think it's a good idea.

(Say no.)

He wants to know why.

(Tell him you like him only as a friend.)

Bella randomly thinks of Wardo, "**wondering if that's where his thoughts were as well**". No, Bella, not everybody is creepy obsessive like you.

Bella says it would hurt Jessica's feelings to go out with him.

(Say no.)

Mike doesn't get it.

(Because you won't say no.)

Bella vaguely explains it and Mike somehow gets it, she never says no once, and heavily implies that the reason she won't go out with him is because it'd hurt Jessica and not because she doesn't like him, stringing him along even further.

**JUST SAY NO, GODDAMIT!**

Hey, remember this?

**_Q:_**_Have you ever personally been involved in a love triangle?_

**_A_**: _That is a really good question. Actually, yes, but I was the only one who knew about it. It was in college, and ... I don't know. So I had these two boyfriends and they didn't know about each other. And I just realized that if you actually count someone who will remain unnamed, there was actually three. I had fun in college._

I see where Bella gets it!

Bella flounces off, leaving him hanging, and enjoys every moment. She goes to Trig, and Jessica invites her to go dress shopping with her and Angela and Lauren. Bella whines, not wanting to go because of Lauren (not sure why, since you love insulting her), but she still wants to go with them. Why, I do not know, considering she does not like these people. She also mentions she has no idea what she's doing tonight. "**But that was definitely the wrong path to let my mind wander down.**"

I have no idea where that came from or what it means, but I'm kind of frightened now. I guess Meyer is too, because Bella's thoughts flip to the "**sunlight**". Bella says maybe, but she has to ask Charlie first, which I don't get because we all know if she really wanted to go she'd go no matter what he said.

The sentence immediately following is "**She talked of nothing but the dance on the way to Spanish**". I believe that Trig class just started.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 21**

The other half of the sentence is "**…continuing as if without an interruption when class finally ended, five minutes late, and we were on our way to lunch.**"

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 22**

Bella doesn't give a flying flip what Jessica is saying because she's in a "**frenzy of anticipation**" over seeing Wardo and literally panics when the Cullens aren't in school. Did you forget they're vampires? Why are you astounded that they're not in school on this BRIGHT, LUMINESCENT day?

"**Desolation hit me with crippling strength. I shambled along behind Jessica, not bothering to pretend to listen anymore.**"

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 28**

Go ahead and roast in Garbage Pail Kids Puragatory with Wardo.

This is crazy! Bella is now "**spiraling downward in misery**". JESUS CHRIST, Bella. Calm down! Bella eventually agrees to go shopping with the girls because she thinks it'll distract her from her tortured, Cullen-deprived soul.

Bella says "**the rest of the day passed slowly, dismally**", which is only half-right because it certainly didn't pass slowly to the readers. How many wormholes have you encountered today, Bella?

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 23**

Bella gets home, "**free to pout and mope**" (oh, please, you don't need the house), and Jessica calls because she's canceling the dress-shopping plans because Mike asked her out. Somewhere, off in the distance, Tara Gilesbie is nodding in approval.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 26**

Since the shopping adventure is postponed until tomorrow, Meyer decides to bump up her word count with a pointless laundry list of Bella's activities. I really don't care, Meyer. Bella has quite a few emails from her mother, who is upset that Bella has not been emailing. What did you expect, Renee? Bella's only your best friend, it's not like she's going to communicate with you. In response to the many emails, Bella writes about 50 words.

Meyer, do you not understand how being a best friend works?

Bella wanders outside and reads. She has a quilt and her favorite book, which is a compilation of Jane Austen works, since she's so mature. The book only includes _Pride and Prejudice_, _Sense and Sensibility_, and _Mansfield Park. _You know, the most popular and well-known ones.

Please, Meyer. I know you want me to think she's all mature because she reads the classics, but she only reads what you could find on a high school reading list and books who people who have never picked up a book in their lives know the name of. What about _Northanger Abbey _or _Emma, _which are works that not everybody has heard of? I had to google to even find out about _Northanger Abbey._

Bella only skims two of them, making it seem like Meyer just wants to throw out titles of classic books. Bella completely gives up on _Mansfield Park _and _Sense and Sensibility_ when she reads that the heroes' names are Edmund and Edward because they remind her of Wardo. I thought you loved this book, Bella. You just forgot their names? Really?

"**Weren't there any other names available in the late eighteenth century?**" Bella whines obnoxiously. Was that an attempt at foreshadowing? Because you fail. Not only was Wardo born in the early 20th century, but the name "Edward" didn't even fall out of the top 100 baby names until 97 years after he was born.

And why is she so obsessed with how "old" his name is? It's not that old. He's supposedly 17, which means he was born in 1988. The name was still in the top 100's then. Why doesn't she ever mention Jasper or Rosalie's names, whose names were well after the 500 mark that year?

This next part reads like Bella has sex with the sun: "**I pulled all my hair over my head, letting it fan out on the quilt above me, and focused again on the heat that touched my eyelids, my cheekbones, my nose, my lips, my forearms, my neck, soaked through my light shirt…**"

I'm kind of creeped out now, thanks, Meyer.

Bella than passes out (narcolepsy?) and travels through Warp Ten, because now Charlie's home.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 24**

Bella gets the feeling that "**wasn't alone**", which, according to _Midnight Sun_, she never was. Wardo was creepin' around. And that line would've worked better pre-narcoleptic fit, because now Charlie's home – of course you're not alone.

Bella gathers her things and dashes inside like Charlie's going to whip her with his belt because dinner's late. Charlie doesn't care and just goes into the living room to watch the game. Is that all he does, Meyer?

Bella's so good at finding the warp zone. Now dinner's over: "**I watched TV with Charlie after dinner, for something to do**".

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 25**

There's an unbelievable bit about Charlie changing the channel so Bella he and Bella can watch a sitcom since he knows she's not into sports. Bella acts like she's being selfless for sitting there and enduring because Charlie likes the idea of them doing things together.

Bella actually asks Charlie for permission to go dress shopping, which I thought she didn't do because **"it set a bad precedent". **Remember when you said that, Bella? I do. Anyway, she gets all huffy that Charlie wants details because, you know, it's so stupid for a father to want to know where his child is going and when she'll be back. Charlie points out she isn't going to the dance, and Bella condescendingly says she's only going to help them choose. "**I wouldn't have to explain this to a woman.**"

I HATE YOU AND YOUR _UGLY_ BOOK, MEYER.

Some more mindless conversation, and Charlie reminds her that he'll be fine for dinner because he fed himself for seventeen years before she graced him with her presence in town. She patronizes him because it gives her joy and says she'll leave sandwiches. YOU KNOW, HE CAN **_READ THE BACK OF A GODDAMN BOX AND MAKE HIMSELF SOMETHING, YOU KNOW._**

(I am proven wrong in_ Eclipse_, because he somehow makes congealed macaroni and puts a jar of spaghetti sauce in the microwave, lid and all. I am not kidding.)

OH MY GOD. GO. TO. HELL.

One more page. I can do this. I _can._

The day finally ends. The next one begins. "**I awakened with renewed hope that I grimly tried to suppress.**" Bella tells us all about what shirt she wears, since, you know, I care. She apparently plans to spend the whole day following Wardo around. She gets to school and apparently planned her arrival time so she'd have an excuse to circle around like a creeper, "**searching for the silver Volvo**".

Who says Wardo's the only stalker?

Bella is once again stunned that the Cullens are not in school on yet another bright, sunshiney day. I know, I'm stunned, too. Really.

Bella is all excited because Lauren isn't coming on the shopping trip. She also says that she will be periodically glancing over her shoulder all day in case Wardo just happens to appear out of thin air. Bella also says she's "**ruin Angela's or Jessica's enjoyment in the dress hunting**". Well, you're sure ruining my fun, Bella.

The chapter ends with the trio of girls heading to Port Angeles and Bella's "**excitement increased exponentially as [they] actually drove out of the town limits**". Why? You have shown no excitement over this trip and have just been in the darkest depths of sadness and tragedy because Wardo wasn't in school.

And that was the last line of the chapter. You're really good at closing lines, Meyer.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 25**

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 26**

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 28**

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 43**

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****12**

**THE CROOKED SMILE OF DOOOOOM: 2**

**Adjective Overkill: 3**


	18. BT: TWILA, DA GIRL W A REALLY BAD FIC

**Special edition chapter! This chapter is much more similar to the My Immortal commentary I did, wherein it was reposted in all its glory with my comments in between. I recently stumbled across the story of TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAZ IN LUV W/ A VAMPIR. And that is its true name. For fun, and since it's a Twilight badfic, I'll be commentating on the abruptly short first two chapters. **

**Dedicated to: The Weirdo Next Door, backwards wonderland, CGryffindorGrimm, OhSnapItzLara, bobblestheninja, Secretly Imaginative, and joeyjoecharchar!**

hay guyz my nami is Twila Beautiful PSyco Topaz Cullem. **ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME? I SAT THROUGH MY IMMORTAL. BRING IT ON.** i go 2 skewl in waschington wif da SEXIIEST VAMPYRE EVER, **This…is an author's note. This girl is already scaring me. **hiz name iz edward Cullen **Good to see you, Wardo.** n he iz sooo sexii n hot n gerad way mite play him in da movi **_Must _****Gerard Way come up in all badfics? **TWILITE!1 omfg i wuld hav an organism **You're going to have an organism? What kind?** lololbut neway dis iz mi stori its called XXX TWILA, THE GURL WHO WAS IN LUV WIF A VAMPIR XXX' **Ahh, yes. I left the XXX parts out of my original titling. **ok btw im gothik **I guess this is closer than "goffic". **n so is edword so we wer ment to b ok! so haterz bak off n if u lyk bella den fuk U!** I do not like Bella. I also do not like Wardo. And from what I have seen, I do not like you.** ok thanx 2 my editar, Midnite Cullen **Editing doesn't work when your editor is fictional.** (dnt get ne ideaz shez not marred 2 ed, she iz maried 2 jasper) plz plz plz giv me reviews plz i wuld lyk dat, this is da 1st time i eva rote a stori, btw my infleuence is enoby darkness dementia ravn way **Kill it with fire!**! i fink she iz da best OK ENJOY GUYZ

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**You really couldn't take the time and energy to write "with"? I have a feeling this will reflect in the story.**

CHAPTER 1

Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz **How did you fit this on your birth certificate? "Phyco" is a good description word for you, though, even if you spelled it wrong.** (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) **Way to keep us interested.** n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires. we feest on blood n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS. **I am so frightened. *waves hands around weakly* Ahhh.**

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott, **Staple of a Mary Sue. **i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. **Is she okay? She should get that looked at.** i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok. **Who the hell is steraphie myers? Sounds like a bitch.**)i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up)**Am I the only one who gets an image of some kind of homemade, lumpy tapioca pudding from that word?** that menz i hate other ppl **You really wanted me to look that up, huh? **accept midnite. one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan's gift to dis planet (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.)

**I can't decide if the funniest part of that sentence was the fact that she doesn't know what atheist means, that she's a Satanist just like my other least favorite Sue, or the fact that she said "God bless you, Satan."**

so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. **Why is this? Are the chairs greased?**

edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. **My thoughts exactly. Oh, wait, you're talking about Bella. **i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, **This bizarrely reminds me of one of those "First response" pregnancy tests.** i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine. **Maybe he's your brother. You seem like the type who would call their own brother sexy.**

"Heyy" he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce **I can't even react** n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away.** I guess I was wrong earlier. The chairs aren't covered in grease, they're covered in Greece!** i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, **I don't even know what that means **i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL **You're such a charmer, Twila.** rite neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob. **Poser, plot device, same deal. **ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me. **I guess Carlisle is Spanish now. **n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet **His ****_sisters_****, Jasper and Emmett.**all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2. **My Sue Senses are tingling.** so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way. **"Damn trees! Always standing around where they aren't wanted!" **when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty

"You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive" he teasd me seductevly. **He is not only Spanish, but also a pedophile.** ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married. **I guess they're all lesbians now. This is news to me.**

"Yea thats me lol" i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) **Let me say this slowly so you understand. You…are…in…****_Washington._**

"nice to met you i said.

"So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it."

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends.

**I'm concerned and slightly disturbed.**

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD

**What am I even doing with my life?**

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine **_O RLY?_** u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos. if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names. **You'd also think you'd know their genders.** and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2. **I'm not even going to comment.**

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) ***He-Man voice* ****_I HAVE THE POWER! _**he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans. **"Mi Chemical Romans".** i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice "Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?" **Wow, those Mi Chemical Romans sure are deep. **every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me.

OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths. **I ****_told _****you this Carlose guy was a pedophile. He roped the others in.** "WOT R U DOING?" i creamed. ***screams* ****_BANANA CREAM PIE _**deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused. **"Why is this whore in our house? Carlisle, when did you become Spanish? When did Jasper and Emmett get a sex change?" **"Sorry Twila." edward sed. "sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen" puting bak on mi clothe."Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me" i excplaned. they all understod. "it must be ur blood" sed carlose in horrofied. "Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. **Why am I always having to tell these Sues? VAMPIRES. DON'T. HAVE. BLOOD.**

itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?"

"Dat bytches nam is bella" sed jasper growling. Midnite hugged him **Hello, Midnite. I did not hear you come in. **so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk. **JASPER SMASH. **

"twila, i wnat u 2 marri me" sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian. **A plebian, huh?**

edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly... he htransformed! **_Into a piece of birthday cake, which I consume. He is tasty._**

"OMFG NOOOO" i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice **You said Jasper was Da Hulk. **"TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI" he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her. **Since a piece of glass didn't sever your head and kill you, I don't care. **He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me. "Guyz guys" i suddenly compromized "Guess wat srry im not a lebian." **The "Guess what" part just confuses me. Are you playing Guess Who?**

alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. **She's a vampire. She also can't cry.** "Y r her tears blood" i asked all curios **Your grammar did this to her, Twila. Your grammar.**"Oh no this is bad" said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time. **Oh, hello, Emmett! You've just made it I ntime to make a really stupid explanation! **

"wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN" **Nice job, Emmett.** Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me n her throat flew open. **Am I the only one imagining her through flying open as if on a hing?** n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it. **She ****_ate _****it? She ate blood? Nice job, Alice. You just broke physics.** "Ohh mi satan" i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed "its ok babe" he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed **Who is, Michael Jackson? What the hell is this? **(a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET **..Fruity Basket. Wow.**) n he was calm agen.) "Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life." so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner **Because, you know, that's what vampires eat. **bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTA **The voice in my head just read that in a German accent.**

**Hmmm. I might have to make this a whole separate story. I'm having too much fun.**


	19. Chapter 8, Part 1

**My dears! I love you all, my sweet angel friends. I have the best readers ever – did you know this my most popular story? It amazes me that so many of you like to hear me nitpick and pin-point and ramble and rant and rave and carry on. Truly. I'm ****_dazzled _****by all of you. (Pun absolutely intended.)**

**With love to the truly magical: HPPJOTHG3, Amber Eyed Pixie, Maomeo-chan, Pandora'sMoon, Milk of Awesomeness,** **Akari-Chan'96, The-blackfirewolf (The word document, was, indeed, just pages of red. My eyes hurt), Sparklingjewel12, Guest, and bonfires lit up the shores, , Silver Demon Sword, AwesomelyMe2015, The Weirdo Next Door, bobblestheninja, joeyjoecharchar, and Secretly Imaginative. What would I do without you, my lovelies?**

**THIS CHAPTER'S RECOMMENDED STORY: ****_6 Little Faces _****by Sylvia Cullen. This one is nearly 100,000 words long and absolutely wonderful. I've only read it all the way through twice, and it was worth it both times. In it, Bella and Wardo, who are likable and probably like what Meyer had been going for, have sextuplets, and the whole thing details Bella's pregnancy and after they're born. It has lots of fun and surprising twists and is just really hard to put down, even if you hate pregnancy fics like me. Absolutely worth checking out. She's also now releasing "outtakes" which are lovely. **

**Chapter 8 – Port Angeles**

I have a good recollection of this chapter. From my memory, it's a pile of crap. I don't doubt it.

(I love how I just go from the sweetest person on the planet in the author's note to a total bitch in five seconds. This is what Twilight does to me. _This_.)

Hopefully, this chapter, at the very least, won't be another one of those unbearably long filler chapters that make me want to stick my head in a car door.

The first line of the chapter picks up directly from the extraordinarily dumb closing line of the last one: "**Jess drove faster than the Chief, so we made it to Port Angeles by four.**" I see we're back to the old-song-and-dance-routine of calling Charlie "the Chief" for some damn reason. And what's up with this sudden comparison? There's no basis for it in the first place.

Don't you love when you just know a chapter's going to suck?

And if the chapter wasn't idiotic from the first sentence, the fact that Bella actually says "**the estrogen rush was invigorating" **means it sure is now. Anyway, the ride up to Port Angeles had lots of boy talk and they listened to "**whiny rock songs**". Meyer, please. You and your Sue listen to Linkin Park and Muse all the time, not to mention the fact that Bella of all people has the audacity to call _anything _"**whiny**". Bella continues in this manner, describing Jessica as badly as she possibly can. Apparently she "**jabbered**" about her date with Mike. Good God, Bella, would it kill you to just say "She told us about her date with Mike," instead of demeaning her? Then Jessica says, and I quote, that her date went well and she hopes they'll soon be in the "**first-kiss stage**".

What are they, in fifth grade? No seventeen-year-old girl talks like this! Are you really in your thirties, Meyer? _Really?_

Bella's reaction to the **"jabbering" **is priceless: "**I smiled to myself, pleased.**" I love how this theme of Bella hating herself whilst thinking she's That Awesome keeps popping up.

Meyer isn't done yet. As we all know, Bella loves playing matchmaking as if she's some kind of love guru and basically pushed Angela to ask Eric to the dance, because, for some reason, Bella and Bella alone is allowed to not attend the dance and/or come without a date. And Angela _did it: _"**Angela was passively happy to be going to the dance, but not really interested in Eric.**"

**WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?**

Spoiler alert: you don't need a date to come to the dance. There is an upcoming scene where somebody – take a wild guess who – invites Bella to come to the dance with their group without a date. Therefore, you _can _come to the dance alone. Apparently, Angela apparently really wants to go to this dance. So why does she feel the need to ask Eric if she doesn't actually like him? And I'm also noticing that Angela is actually a lot like Bella, only without all the whining. She's quiet and demure and "modest" and – everyone now – _passive. _Meyer out and said it up there. Add in stringing Eric along simply so she can have a date to the dance and that's Bella right there.

I suppose this wouldn't be half as bad if any woman who actually goes after a man instead of playing games, doesn't have a problem showing that they're interested in someone, or even just likes to giggle about boys is automatically vilified and bad, like Jessica. _*Meyer voice* No, no, that is bad, women should remain quiet and passive. We should smile approvingly down on the girl who lets her boyfriend lead her in any direction, no questions asked. Those are the good girls! _Just look at Bella; Wardo is controlling, abusive, and unashamedly irritating. However, Bella never calls him out on it and rarely even disagrees with him. Nope – she just lets herself be dazzled time after time again and never argues. And the fact that Meyer later on rewards Angela with a boyfriend just further cements the idea that this is correct and appropriate behavior by both parties in.

I am not amused.

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 29**

(This isn't a passing thing, by the way, which is why I'm making such a big deal. This is a theme that pops up time and time again throughout this series, and annoys me very much because it's something that inexperienced authors seem to do with this strange idea of pairing up every single one of their characters. Don't act like you've never done it – we were all beginners once.)

Anyhow, Jessica is badgering Angela to divulge "**who her type was**" because she is a gossipy, nosy brat and this point will continue to be emphasized to the extreme of extremes, and Bella changes the subject **"to spare her". ** Oh, the horror. Giggling about boys. This is criminal.

They end up at "**one big department store in town**". Okay, newsflash, Bella: just because a town is not Phoenix-sized does not mean they have remained untouched by industry. Plus, I recall Bella saying she doesn't know the town well; how the hell does she know this is the only one? I digress. Anyway, they start looking for dresses, and it comes up in conversation that Bella has never been to a dance; this is shocking news. Jessica and Angela are "**surprised and almost disbelieving**", and I know for a fact that they're just so shocked that Miss Beautiful Swan has never been to a dance with a boy, and are not assuming it was because she wasn't interested, or the fact that she's unrealistically LOLCLUMSY. Reading further, it appears that Bella has never had a boyfriend or even gone on a date, nor has she ever had a crush or ever even saw someone and thought that they're cute. Is she asexual? I don't believe this.

Jessica is skeptical that no one has ever asked Bella out, which makes perfect sense in this universe, considering three different boys asked her out on the same day (Of course, if this was set in the real universe, it'd be no surprise – who _would_ date Bella?) and the only reason she doesn't have a boyfriend is because she tells everybody no (which she doesn't). Glossed over is the fact that Bella thinks she is better than all these small-town bumpkins. I find it really funny when Meyer's own characters point out how ridiculous and illogical this plot is, don't you?

Of course, it's Angela to the rescue because Meyer had no idea how Bella could answer Jessica. Angela informs Bella that Tyler's been spreading around that he's taking Bella to prom. *winks* Bella hasn't heard this rumor herself because she was too busy wallowing about her Cullen-deprived soul to notice her surroundings. Bella's so shocked that she lapses into a functioning coma and Angela has a z-snap-formation "told you so" moment because Jessica bought this rumor. Considering that Bella has led on every boy she's run into so far, I think Jessica had every right to believe it.

Bella's all angry and annoyed at Tyler, but spoiler alert: she never confronts Tyler about this. Ever. She never tells him no or to leave her alone. And it comes back to haunt her in the epilogue.

Jessica adds this in:

_"That's why Lauren doesn't like you," Jessica giggled while we pawed through the clothes._

…What?

_What?_

**_WHAT?!_**

DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE ANY EVIDENCE AT ALL TO BACK THIS UP? ANY? SERIOUSLY. SKIM THROUGH THE CHAPTERS UP TO THIS POINT AND FIND ME EVIDENCE. PRETTY DAMN HARD, HUH?

_BECAUSE. THERE. IS. NOT. ANY. __**EVIDENCE.**_

Every comment out of Lauren's mouth so far has been about Wardo – she gets angry because Bella sits with him, wants to know if he's coming to the beach, and has nothing but bitch about Bella's "relationship" with him. Tyler has not come up AT ALL. In fact, the one time she and Tyler are together, he has to put forth extra effort to get her attention because Lauren was too busy whining about Bella's "bond" with WARDO.

AND YOU WANT TO SIT HERE AND TELL ME LAUREN HATES BELLA BECAUSE OF **_TYLER?_**

NO. NOT BUYING IT.

**TWILIGHT = My Immortal: 27**

The next line is just as infuriating:

_I ground my teeth. "Do you think that if I ran him over with my truck he would stop feeling guilty about the accident? That he might give up on making amends and call it even?"_

"Maybe," Jess snickered. '"_If__ that's why he's doing this."_

She's dead serious, by the way. There isn't a trace of sarcasm there.

Moving on, Meyer takes waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time describing the dresses in boring, excruciating detail so it sounds like Bella is very fashionable and has good taste in clothes. Instead, it seems very fake and like Bella is pretending she favors certain dresses to speed up the process. She also mentions that the "**process was much shorter and easier than similar trips [she'd] taken with Renee at home**". Wow, did you just mention your mother? I'm in shock. Oh, and it's not taking as long because Meyer doesn't feel like writing it. This is immediately followed by the sentence, "**I guess there was something to be said for limited choices.**"

Hold on a second.

According to a google search of "department stores in Port Angeles, Washington", there is a bridal shop, a boutique, and two other clothing stores in Port Angeles, not to mention four Wal-Marts (two of which are supercenters), as well as a general store and a gift shop.

Please shut up, Bella.

**WE ALL DESPISE THEM: 30**

They continue on to shoes and accessories. You know, Meyer, this is why I dislike dances and getting dressed up – it's too much work. You could've easily used that as why Bella didn't go to dances. It would've been a personality trait – you know, one of those things Bella doesn't actually possess. Nope, it's because of the LOLCLUMSY and her lack of a boyfriend. And even Bella doesn't care about this scene anymore: "**The girls'-night high was wearing off in the wake of my annoyance at Tyler, leaving room for the gloom to move back in.**"

Ha, you didn't think it'd be that long before we'd have to hear about Wardo again, did you?

While they are alone, Bella feels the need to take an entire page to ask Angela if the Cullens are absent a lot. Angela says that they are, any time it's sunny. (_WAKE UP, YOU IDIOT! YOU KNOW THEY ARE VAMPIRES! V-A-M-P-I-R-E-S! ANY TIME IT'S SUNNY! DEAR GOD!) _They all just skip – and that really means all of them. Dr. Cullen even blows off work so they can go backpacking into the wilderness.

*deep breath* Let's take a minute to explain to Meyer how jobs work.

You CANNOT just skip work,_ especially _when you're a doctor. Does Meyer seriously think the hospital is going to understand that camping takes precedent over the patient with a flesh-eating virus? I don't care how great a doctor is – they're not going to keep him around if he's constantly out.

Not to mention this crap it _not _going to go over well with the school. There are more than two or three sunny days a year, Meyer; I know this because Forks is REAL, and I can look up the weekly weather forecast, which I just did for this week – wow, whaddaya know, SUNSHINE ON SATURDAY, SUNDAY, AND MONDAY, not to mention it's only partly cloudy today, tomorrow, and Friday. NO RAIN. AT ALL. The Cullens would end up missing _weeks_ of school, and, in case you didn't know, you can get held back for that, no matter how good your grades are, which they probably wouldn't be that good anyway, considering the fact that they'd be missing tests and other in-class work – like labs – that can't be made up. Do you seriously think teachers are going to take the excuse "I was camping" as a legitimate reason to let you do them later on?

Meyer once said something along the lines of, "It's not like I'm thinking about what I'm writing." Yeah, we've noticed.

Anyway, so Angela answers her question and doesn't ask anything about it despite the fact that it came out of absolute nowhere. "**I was beginning to really like Angela.**" It's like she doesn't realize the reason she likes her is because she doesn't have to put any effort in to actually get to know her and Angela isn't trying to get to know Bella, either.

Jessica returns, and then we're suddenly talking about dinner plans. Since dress shopping apparently took about five minutes, Angela and Jessica want to go to the bay for a while. Bella wants to go to the bookstore, so she sends them on their merry way and completely ignores the fact that she has no idea where the bookstore is or if it exists at all. Bella goes on her own because "**they didn't know how preoccupied [she] could get when surrounded by books**". Yeah, neither do we, considering you've shown no evidence of being a bookworm and have only mentioned two books at all, one of which you didn't even read.

Off through the streets of Port Angeles Bella treks with only the faintest idea of where she's actually going. Wow, that's really smart. Darkness is quickly falling, you're a clumsy seventeen-year-old, you're alone, you have no idea where you're going or what you're looking for, you have admitted to having a terrible sense of direction, and you aren't even paying attention to what you're doing because you're too busy concentrating on Wardo. Pure brilliance.

By some magic, Bella manages to find a bookstore, but it's apparently full of "**crystals, dream-catchers, and books about spiritual healing" **and the only person inside is the most stereotypical hippie on the face of the earth. Bella just makes fun of her a bit and wanders away without even going inside, in search of a normal bookstore. Then we're forced to read about Wardo some more and Bella's "**despair**" and the fact that he might cancel their plans on Saturday. Did she forget he's a vampire? He is.

On this vague expedition to nowhere Bella sees a silver Volvo and just about drowns in her own despair. Bella also proves that she does remember what Wardo is by calling him a "**stupid, unreliable vampire**". I knew Bella was too clumsy to not have some sort of significant brain damage. No sane person reacts this way. It's not as though she just discovered he's transgendered or has a glass eye or has twenty siblings or something. She has learned that he's an undead, blood-sucking entity with no conscience or mercy, and she reacts with no fear or worry and barely gives it a second thought. She acts like she's just learned he has diabetes or something. _HE KILLS AND EATS PEOPLE. HUMAN BEINGS. __**YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING, YOU IDIOT.**_

Bella continues to have the most unrealistic reaction to learning a boy she likes is a murderer who sucks the blood of his victims and instead we are given over one thousand words of Meyer foreshadowing and setting up a bad red-herring. I'm summarize: Bella is being tailed by some men who are so obviously bad that they might as well have it tattooed on their foreheads, and Bella, being the brilliant girl she is, decides to go into A DARK ALLEYWAY. Perfect plan. Meanwhile, Meyer is saying OH YES BELLA HAS DEFINTELY LOST THOSE EVIL GUYS GUARANTEED NO QUESTIONS while simultaneously throwing up red flags all over the place to make sure we are aware that Bella has _not _lost them, they are extremely evil and have extremely evil intentions, and that Bella's just backing herself into a corner. She's also all but holding up cue cards to tell us how to feel at certain moments.

This is painful.

**FORESHADOWING FAILS: 44**

As expected, Bella is now cornered by the evil men, and I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be really intense, but it's written too blandly to actually be interesting. Also, even this is Bella's point of view, she's only describing actions and not her thoughts or feelings whatsoever.

This is also straight out of some old movie – Bella is completely useless and the predators are all but twirling their mustaches. Bella also takes a minute to address the readers and inform us of all the self-defense she knows:

_I braced myself, feet apart, trying to remember through my panic what little self-defense I knew. Heel of the hand thrust upward, hopefully breaking the nose or shoving it into the brain. Finger through the eye socket — try to hook around and pop the eye out. And the standard knee to the groin, of course. That same pessimistic voice in my mind spoke up then, reminding me that I probably wouldn't have a chance against one of them, and there were four. Shut up! I commanded the voice before terror could incapacitate me. I wasn't going out without taking someone with me. I tried to swallow so I could build up a decent scream._

What, did she see those in _The Matrix _or something? If we're going by what we've seen in movies, I know A LOT of self-defense! Hell, I've seen _Harry Potter, _I can totally just pull out a wand and say _avada kedavra _and POOF! My problems are gone.

You see, Meyer, the trick here is actually being able to APPLY THESE MOVES TO REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS. While you're being cornered by evil men is not the time to talk of specific moves you saw on TV four years ago. THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM AND ONE OF YOU. YOU DO NOT KNOW KARATE. YOU ARE EXTREMELY CLUMSY.

BITE. PUNCH. CLAW. KICK. _SWING YOUR PURSE AROUND LIKE A MASE WHILE FLAILING AROUND LIKE A MANIAC AND SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS. __**RUN LIKE THE HOUNDS OF HELL ARE ON YOUR TAIL.**_

Oh, hold on, I forgot. Bella can't run because of the LOLCLUMSY. However, Meyer expects me to believe she can shove a guy' nose into his brain and hook somebody's eye out of its socket.

Here comes The Unexpected Silver Volvo of Justice! It's about damn time – we've been waiting for about 1,500 words for you to get here, Wardo. Bella's genius plan? Jump into the middle of the street: "**I dove into the road**". Good thinking. It's not like he might hit you or something.

She even admits that it was idiotic: "**This car was going to stop, or have to hit me.**"

Try jumping in front of a plane as it taxis down the runway! It will either have to stop or hit you!

Luckily for Bella, it stops and the passenger door pops open. This is so damn realistic.

_"Get in," a furious voice commanded._

It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me — even before I was off the street — as soon as I heard his voice. I jumped into the seat, slamming the door shut behind me.

**BELLA: **Crisis averted! Never mind that I could've been raped, kidnapped or murdered just now – onto the next plot point.

Have you ever met someone who was _almost _in a car accident? They're still scared, you dolt. Are you emotionally stunted? Have you EVER FELT FEAR IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? Fear doesn't just disappear the minute you're out of the situation. Either Bella is the stupidest person to ever walk the planet or an emotionless robot. I think it's a bit of both.

Wardo proves to be just as scary as the evil men back there, because he's literally commanding Bella, only now it's to put on her seatbelt. Bella even called it **"commanding". **However, she's quick to "**obey**". Can we go back to the criminals? This pair gives me the creeps.

Bella doesn't take a day off from annoying:

_But I felt utterly safe and, for the moment, totally unconcerned about where we were going. I stared at his face in profound relief, relief that went beyond my sudden deliverance. I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry._

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****13**

I'm waiting for Bella to just be like _As he stared angrily out the window – did I mention he has the most perfect ass? – I sat obediently in my seat _or something. These random instances of describing Edward's appearance are getting more and more irritating.

Bella asks if Wardo's alright, he says he isn't and asks if _she's _alright, she says she is, and Wardo tells her to distract him – or, in his words, "**Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down.**" Then he all but facepalms. He doesn't seem furious, Meyer. He seems annoyed.

Bella decides to talk about herself. She says she's going to murder Tyler for saying he's going to take her to prom, and talks of totaling his car so he can't drive, along with paralyzing him from the waist-down so he can't even go to prom, or anywhere else, for that matter. Why don't you just cut out his tongue so he can't spread the rumor anymore, too? (Seriously, it's one thing to blurt out that you're going to kill someone in a fit of rage. It's another to describe in detail what you're going to do to them.)

Oh, and are you ever going to ask about what Wardo's doing here, how he found you, what he's so mad about, or where he's going? Did you forget that he's a vampire again?

Anyhow, Bella's grotesque descriptions of torture and murder aren't enough to distract Wardo from his unexplained fury, so she asks what he's so angry about. However, it's still not reading like he's angry and seems like he's pissy about her not putting on her seatbelt fast enough or something. Perhaps he's constipated.

Either way, his reply is as follows:

_"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." He was whispering, too, and as he stared out the window, his eyes narrowed into slits. "But it __wouldn't__ be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those…" He didn't finish his sentence, looking away, struggling for a moment to control his anger again. "At least," he continued, "that's what I'm trying to convince myself."_

Well, that told us nothing. I have problem with my temper sometimes, too, but you don't see me speeding around Washington with an angry expression on my face, hunting down girls I barely know. I'm also not a blood-sucking creature of the night.

In case you were wondering, Bella is extremely calm sitting next to a vampire. She has also just realized it's past six-thirty. How long was she looking for that bookstore? It only seemed like about fifteen minutes.

**WORMHOLE TRAVEL: 26**

I wouldn't have given her that one she'd actually _found _a bookstore, I but refuse to believe that looking for a bookstore, making fun of some hippie, getting pursued by The Backstreet boys, and getting saved in THE VAMPIRE VOLVO OF JUSTICE took over an hour.

Wardo turns right around and just so happens to know the exact restaurant they were planning on going to, La Bella Italia and Meyer thinks I don't realize what she did there. Edward also manages to parallel park in a space too small: "**He slid in effortlessly in one try.**" He just broke the laws of physics, apparently, but I find the sexual innuendo there hilarious. Park that car, Wardo. Park it all night long.

Bella started to ask how Wardo knew where to go but then drops it because she has the I.Q. of a walnut. Wardo gets out and decides to tell her that he's taking her to dinner and throw her an Strong Glare which renders her useless and she can't say no. She just hops out after him and says, "**Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too. I don't think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again.**" Wow. You're a bastard, Edward. Bella just "**[shivers] at the threat in his voice**".

Can we talk about how much of wuss Wardo is? A few paragraphs ago he was like, "Yeah, I so could've taken those guys, but I didn't want to! They better not run into me again, because I'll _really _teach 'em a lesson then! Really!"

I also wouldn't have been wasting time shivering like a idiot, I would've been running like the wind over to my friends and begging them to get me away from Edward, because he's just freaky. Seriously – "track them down, too"? I'd also probably make sure to inform my police chief father that I'm being stalked when I got home.

Bella, however, just does what she's told and goes over to Angela and Jessica as they're leaving the restaurant. They're all stunned to see Wardo, and Jessica asks where the hell she's been, her voice "**suspicious**". I think I'm supposed to scoff at her for that, but I'd be suspicious too. You say you're going to a bookstore, just disappear for two hours, miss dinner, and show up with some guy and without any books. Hate to tell you, but it doesn't sound like you were looking for a bookstore at all. Told you Wardo was parking that car. Bella says she got lost and ran into Wardo, he wants to know if it's okay if he joins them for dinner, and dazzles the girls into getting his way.

**_Do I Dazzle You?: _****14**

Jessica instantly says yes, but Angela says they've already eaten. If you think I don't realize that you just skipped unrealistic amounts of time so Wardo and Bella could eat dinner alone, you're wrong.

Bella says it's alright because she's not that hungry, and guess what Wardo does:

_"I think you should eat something." Edward's voice was low, but full of authority._

I'm done. I'm so done with this damn chapter.

Part two to come.


End file.
